How to do a 60 Day Detox from your abuser after leaving the relationship when you have shared kids
Co-dependency recovery is tough, but it gets easier when you have a plan of action. Use this path to get started so you can heal.
These are going to be uncomfortable and seem harsh but they aren’t. Boundaries aren’t mean. Only people that want to step all over them think they are.
Your abuser is not going to take it well. They will think it’s stupid. They will act like a bratty child about it. Expect those things. This way you can set up a plan for yourself on what to do when the blowback happens.
This is the opportunity for you to focus on solely yourself so you can get those things you want for you, your kids and even your future co-parenting relationship with your ex partner.
Think Of Your Ex Like A Drug
And you are the user. How do you stop being addicted to them while you still have access to them?
It is going to be a detox. To do this, every avenue possible for a “hit” from them has to reduced to basically zero. It does not matter if it feels different than before when you’re around them. That is a very good thing and a nice sign of progress, but it is still something. It doesn’t allow you to hyperfocus on the one person that needs your attention →you. Because they are still there hanging onto the ledge and asking for you to pay attention to them again.
And remember, this is temporary. Even so, for it to work it has to be done with intention, not gritting your teeth and waiting for the clock to tick down to zero. There will be moments of that naturally throughout this, but those moments will get less and less as you get used to it. When you feel that way it isn’t a failure, it’s part of the process. That is when the work of forgiving yourself will come in.
The intention is to force yourself to do something hard on purpose. To focus on yourself and not worry about what another person thinks, feels or says about you. You aren’t used to thinking about yourself first. Especially as a parent. If you can redirect the energy you put out into other people back into yourself, you’ll be amazed at what that will do to your system.
The Steps of the 60 Day Detox
Step 1:
Don’t talk to your ex about what you are going to do. They’ll tell you it’s a ridiculous plan and say they won’t do it. But this isn’t about them. You do it and they will either fight it or get on board. No one can control what the are going to do.
On a sheet of paper write down the things you’ll need to get started and decide on what date you want to start it so you can mark it on your calendar.
Things you’ll need:
1. Parenting app- I like Appclose. It’s free and it has a family calendar (for things like DR appts and school activities) and a payment system in place as well in case you’d want to use that for child support/ alimony etc, paying for half of kid’s stuff. But you may not need that yet. There are other ones like Our Family Wizard and 2Houses, Parentship, etc… but those cost per month. The apps are good because no one can one-sided erase messages and a CSV file of the transcript can be uploaded in case you’d need them for court. Many courts accept Appclose transcripts as evidence.
2. Email dedicated to contact with your ex. This way they won’t be in your main inbox. It cuts off another avenue of contact.
Step 2:
Make the script you’re going to share with them with the rules of engagement. This is not an explanation of the why, just the what.
Try to boil it down to max of 4 sentences. Things like, “In the future beginning today I will be in contact with you regarding the children through these methods…. I will not take messages given through the children.. I will check the email account at __PM on Mon, Wed, Fri….
Things like that. You get to decide what you’re good with. They don’t get to know the timeline, the reason why, any of it. It will just gives them ammo to come back at you with. If they know the end date they will bide time and make it miserable for you when it’s over. Like a punishment that you dared to defy what they wanted.
It has to be worded in a way that protects you. Typically exes that receive this will try to use it in court to say you are uncooperative and it’s hurting the kids. But that isn’t true, this method allows for as much communication about the kids as possible but limits the amounts of nonsense you have to deal with.
Step 3:
Block on everything. Block the phone number, social media accounts, on your email account except for the one set up for the contact, etc… Anything that is blocked can be unblocked at any time, so this isn’t final unless you later decide you want it to be.
And you both will still be able to communicate through messaging, phone and video chatting on the parenting app. This way young kids that do not have phone can still make contact with their other parent in various ways.
I would recommend turning off the notifications that can pop up on the app so you can decide when you want to check it. You’ll still see them when they arrive, they just won’t be making noise or vibrating your phone so you don’t get that jolt when it goes off.
Step 4:
Talk to the kids and any family or friends that you need to about it.
You don’t have to say much or overexplain. One to two sentences is all that is needed.
“We communicate in these ways only for now and I will not be taking messages from you for _____.” For the kids you can tell them “I won’t be discussing it with you, this is part of our divorce.”
They may not like it and they will be fine even if they don’t.
Kids will have questions. They don’t have to all be answered in that moment though. Give them one or two answers and then postpone more talks for a week later once they’ve had a chance to digest the first ones.
It’s Meant to be Uncomfortable
When you’ve been in an abusive relationship you get used to pushing aside your own needs for the needs of your abuser. You create a habit of doing that. This habit typically didn’t begin with the abuser but it did solidify in that relationship.
Doing the detox is a great way to get the ball rolling on refocusing your efforts back onto you. In creating a new healthy habit. It forces you to fine tune your communication into what’s necessary and provides the space needed for healing and growth. Two things you couldn’t get while in the relationship.
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Narcissism Informed Trauma and Abuse Life Coach- or links to my life coaching services, you can find me at www.cpresleycoaching.com or email me at [email protected]
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