How To Divorce Without Hurting Your Kids

My parents did an outstanding job.

When I tell somebody that my parents aren’t together, they look at me with pity.

Of course, I’m sure some of you can't imagine life without both your parents under the same roof and that's a healthy mindset. But everybody with separated parents hasn’t had a sad childhood.

If you’re somebody with parted parents or if you’re a parent who’s parting ways with their partner, I urge you to take a little inspiration from my folks who’ve made this journey a smooth one for me.

Peace under two roofs > War under one

This is what my school counselor told me when I got the news. The situation made me angry, but this sentence stuck with me forever. It’s something that makes all the difference in the world.

Would you have a complete household only for it to be full of fights day in and day out? I guess not. Here’s what my folks did differently.

Don’t bitch about each other

I have a friend whose dad will talk ill about her mom, and her mom will do the same about her dad and his family.

Don’t do this, please. You hate your ex, but that person is your child’s parent.

If you want your kid to be unaffected by this mess that you both have created, please pretend to respect each other in front of your kids. Bitching about the other person or their families will only shape your child’s mind negatively.

‘Explicitly’ leave your child out of your mess

This fight is between us, and you’re not a part of it. We both love you and all this has nothing to do with you.

I was told this exact statement by both my parents when it all started. It felt like a blanket of comfort in an otherwise chilly time.

Reassure your child time and again that this isn’t about them. As kids, we often question ourselves if we could do anything in our capacity to make sure our parents were still together. And that's a feeling of guilt we stay with, with no fault of ours.

But it's not about us, it's all your mess. Please don't make our young and fragile brains go through this thought process.

Encourage communication, even when it’s unacceptable

I come from India. Our society is super conservative. Talking about the opposite sex is out of the question unless it's about marriage. If I am seen holding hands with a guy, it will bring upon shame on my family.

And I don’t belong to a conservative religion or a small town, this is just the crust of our conservative society. As you go to smaller towns and villages, girls don't speak to men and there’s no such thing as dating.

I have a boyfriend; I told my dad at 19. I could feel he’s awkward. He doesn’t know how to react because a typical Indian father will fume with anger. To my surprise, he was open to talking about it. Today, he knows if I’m dating or other things I’m upset about. And my mom's my go-to person for any problems I face.

If you’re from the West, this isn’t an uncomfortable conversation for you. But there will be times when your kid brings up something which doesn’t align with your values or that of the society, give them an open platform to express. If it’s not you, we’ll suppress our thoughts and feelings, which could cause unpleasant behavioral changes.

Especially if you have a single kid like I am, we have nobody but you. Hear us out. :)

Hide your unpleasant feelings about your ex’s partners

If your ex has moved on and you haven’t, don't bitter talk about your ex’s new partner.

It's natural to feel jealous, angry, or upset when you’re out there alone and the other person has found somebody. You still have a void, whereas they filled theirs.

But if you ill-talk about this to your kid, they’ll only develop negative feelings about this situation. This will lead to your child having friction with that partner or with your spouse.

The battle is between you two, please don’t involve us. Our brains are fragile and we are easy to mold, why influence them for worse when you can towards better.

If you dislike the new partner, we understand you’re hurting but don’t make your kid hurt too. Let them see one of their parents happy.

I hope this helps you as a single parent or as a couple who is parting/has parted ways.

This is my perspective from a kid whose childhood was about dealing with this. It influences us hell a lot. Yet, I feel lucky for what happened and the way it happened. Many around me dealt with worse, including being neglected by one folk.

May the force be with you!

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