How To Distinguish Your Patterns And Identity
We’re all built on habits and patterns, but they are malleable.
For years I’ve been telling people that we are an extension of our habits. That the habits that we choose to have form and influence our identity, who we spend time with, and ultimately determine our entire life. At the core of it, what is life-changing for us is something that encourages us the adoption of a new habit.
And for that habit to stick.
I still believe in this ideology, especially since many self-help gurus talk about identity-based habits and there is a lot of research done in that area as well. However, I haven’t much dwelled on the negative aspect of it. After all, negative habits are part of who we are too.
Amongst the many areas and struggles that we face when developing new habits, patterns, and all-around growth as people, a particular phenomenon occurs when we stop or run into a roadblock. For some, they tap into their motivation and climb over the struggle and continue onward.
But a lot of us run into that wall again and again.
Whether we intend to or not, it’s easy for us to look at this behaviour of trying to do something followed by an eventual halt for some reason as part of who we are. That by doing this pattern we lack commitment, we’re lazy, or procrastinate a lot.
And unless you’ve done a good amount of self-reflection, we tend to believe and reinforce those negative habits.
But the reality is a lot of people get this all mixed up.
In a world where gurus are encouraging us to grow, giving us mediocre systems to do so, and instilling the idea we are the problem when they don’t work, we allow this for the simple fact that we’re also confused about our patterns or habits and how they connect to our overall identity.
After all, we don’t often pause and think about how these two things are different. Not when there is so much evidence to have us focus on positive habit-building and how that’s connected.
What Are Patterns And Identity?
To start, we need to know exactly what are patterns and identity. For the context of this article, this is how I personally define these two things when it comes to habit-building:
- Patterns at their core are a set of recurring themes, behaviours or characteristics that we have. Pertaining to habits, patterns can be defined as human nature broadly speaking. This makes the scope quite large, but we still find a way to connect it to ourselves. For example, we still relate to the idea that “when people leave a weight loss program, they revert to their previous level of fitness”, even though that’s a pattern among those who leave weight loss programs for any reason.
- Identity on the other hand is narrower in focus in that it’s connected to who we are and how we fit into the world. It’s the traits we have, beliefs, values, and experiences throughout life. Our personality, interests, talents, cultural background and personal history are what encompasses our identity. Ultimately, this is how we see and interact with the world.
Despite patterns and identity having different focuses, it’s clear our brain doesn’t make that distinction. We instill feelings of inadequacy when we leave weight loss programs or general training. When the advice from a self-help guru doesn’t help us, we think we’re the problem. The same can be said when involving career pursuits as well where we think we’re not cut out to be in an industry if we fail a test or have low test scores.
But when you take a step back and consider the distinction between the two, you’ll notice there is a big difference and you can detach yourself from that regressive thinking.
How To Distinguish Between The Two
Even though both have different scopes in what each one is, it’s still easy to interconnect them. What I think helps in distinguishing between the two of them are the following methods.
Identifying Context
The first thing that helps a lot is to give your own self-help journey context at every step. Whenever you are reflecting or looking at something, it’s important to take a bit of time and establish what it is you are looking at and through what lens.
Again, we can so often mistake general human nature and behaviour for ourselves since we are part of that percentage. We are human after all. But the scopes I presented do help because you can begin to ask yourself questions connected to that and the overall problems you are facing.
If you’ve stopped working out and equate that to your lack of commitment are you basing that off of the general patterns that people gain weight after they stop going to the gym? Or are there several specific examples of you personally giving up that extend well beyond personal health?
Another way to look at it is to figure out if you’re looking at general patterns or if you are trying to understand your own personal identity in that moment.
Using Self-Reflection & Observation
One of the slower, but still effective methods is self-reflection & observation. Both of these methods serve as a sort of filter for the other. In the case of self-reflection, this is a way for you to discover this is your own personal identity.
Self-reflection engages you to consider your own values, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses, interests, and desires. Combined with introspection you create a specific picture of who you are at this moment.
Observation works in the same manner but it’s for general patterns that you have. These are connected to your thoughts and actions, but they’re not fueled by those interpersonal aspects of yourself.
Building Upon Distinction Through Differentiation
This one is built upon self-reflection and observation. It’s a natural progression where you take what you’ve identified and dig deep. The big thing is to figure out how it’s all connected to your identity. Ultimately it’ll come down to you seeing the patterns in your life either being things that are unique to you or that they are generally shared by other people.
A lot of people don’t get much from self-help seminars for example. That doesn’t make you slow, or lazy, or bad at listening. Differentiation helps you to recognize that this is simply a common problem that the industry has. You still have to work around it, but you know now if a method doesn’t work or you feel you’re not getting much from it, you know the issue is with the material or the guru and not with yourself.
Ultimately these techniques are used in specific circumstances. But it’s those circumstances that are most important. Rich self-help gurus would rather have us take their advice, use it, and think that we are the problem when things don’t work.
They want to keep us in a loop where we don’t grow or that certain big events in our lives are more like options we no longer go to. Even with all the positivity and inspiration, some of their advice is designed to lead us down a path where we think our dreams are too big or unobtainable all because we tried and failed multiple times in the past.
And for sure some of it might be the case where we’re not meant to be there. But I’m willing to bet a lot of us think negatively about ourselves when it comes to certain goals because of particular patterns rather than for being who we are.
And even in the case where we do identify with that, we are still malleable. We can still change and be different.
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