How to Dismantle a Love Bomb

You can shield yourself from a narcissist's love bombing

There were no flashes of light. No mushroom cloud. No deafening boom. No atomic shadows on silent walls. But there were words. Words that rained down like deadly shrapnel.

“I never felt this for anyone. I want to share my life with you. Be your rock. Be your other half.”

And then the “Little Boy” of explosions — “I am in love with you.”

Yikes. What is sweet from someone you know becomes saccharin from someone you don’t. Unfortunately, I didn’t know him.

And that’s when it hit me — I was being love-bombed.

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by fervent demonstrations of attention and affection. Bombers will typically shower their crushes with compliments, gifts, poetry, and promises that only a knight-errant could keep. It’s a form of conditioning that many people with narcissistic traits use to groom targets.

The attention can be intoxicating….until it is not. That’s when the devaluing stage starts. Then the bomber uses a different tactic — verbal abuse, stonewalling, contempt, criticism, and demands that cannot be met.

You pull away. Then the love-bombing starts again. But there is always a nuclear fallout to come.

Luckily, this was not my first supernova. I came prepared. But if you get love-bombed, here are few tips to protect yourself.

How to dismantle the love bomb

Ask the bomber to respect your boundaries

Not everyone who expresses their undying love is disingenuous. But most people, including me, need to get to know someone before picking out baby names.

So you need to make your boundaries clear with a love bomber — I care for you, but we are moving too fast. And do NOT keep repeating your boundaries. A respectful partner will hear you the first time. A love bomber disrespects everyone’s timetable except their own.

Much like tightly written novels, healthy relationships follow a narrative arc. The hero doesn’t fight all their battles and fall in love with the fair maiden on page one. Instead, their character develops through the victories and defeats that make them multi-dimensional. Love bombing falls flat because it ignores the narrative arc of love.

So, if your romance feels like it is unfolding at warp speed, ask for space and then wait. A person with true affection will always be sensitive to your needs.

Beware of words like ‘forever’

Call me a cynic, but nothing lasts forever. Eventually, we all become fertilizer for the greener days of those we leave behind. So if you hear words like “soulmate” from someone you hardly know…beware.

Love bombers use smoke and mirrors to keep their victims blinded. The bombing is often intended to distract you so that you only see their adoration and not the person behind the mask.

One way to separate a love bomber from someone who has real affection is to gather intel about their past relationships. How soon did they get into a relationship with their past lover? How soon did they declare their love? How did it end? People tend to follow patterns. Not always. But usually. A love bomber has a pattern of misguided forevers.

But if it didn’t work out with their past relationship, clearly they didn’t detonate with “forever.” So what makes you think they will defy death this time?

Ask the love bomber — what do you think is my biggest flaw?

Love bombers use idealization to form a picture of their beloved. And part of that idealization process is not allowing blemishes to tarnish the image they have created in their mind. It’s a really high pedestal.

But everyone has flaws. Does your love bomber see your warts? If they don’t, you are going to need a tall ladder to climb down from that pedestal.

If it is real love, that person will have no problem listing a few of your flaws and idiosyncrasies that make you uniquely you.

Ask the love bomber — what is my favorite color?

Although equally as dangerous, there’s an essential distinction between stalkers and bombers. Stalkers study their targets. Bombers vomit out affection without much forethought. This is why love bombers often don’t know the most basic things about their target. If you have fallen madly in love with someone, you should at least know their favorite color.

I once put my hands over my eyes and asked a love bomber to tell me the color of my eyes. He said green. Wrong answer.

Basic questions help remind the bomber that they can’t possibly be in love with someone they don’t know. Perhaps they are getting carried away and just need to get their feet on solid ground. By reminding the bomber that they don’t really know you, then you may be able to get them to see they are being unrealistic.

In the sitcom How I Met Your Mother, Ted Mosby presents the brilliant and hilarious Dobler-Dahmer Theory. The theory states that if both people are into each other, then a big romantic gesture is touching (like the romantic gestures Lloyd Dobler makes in the movie Say Anything.) But if the other person isn’t into romantic advances, the same gesture comes off as serial killer crazy (like the serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.)

It basically asks love bombers to read the room. Let’s face it. Sweet gestures when you know someone (Dobler) can be creepy when you don’t know someone (Dahmer.) Love bombers always leave you with the unsettling “Am I going to end up chopped up in your fridge?” feeling.

Of course, not everyone who showers you with affection is a bomber. Some people just fall hard and fast. Show me a man with a boom box, and I will show you a woman hanging her head out the window with tears in her eyes. Totally Dobler.

The difference is that bombers need someone… no, anyone to fill their emptiness. They may try to make you feel like you are that special person, but really any warm body will do.

And unless you want to end up as a Dahmer victim… a warm body can become a cold body when you fall prey to a love bombing.

Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books.

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