How To Disagree Without Destroying Your Relationship

Summary

The article outlines a methodology for disagreeing constructively in relationships by defining the playing field, understanding the basis of disagreement, and agreeing to disagree when necessary.

Abstract

The article "How To Disagree Without Destroying Your Relationship" presents a three-step approach to manage disagreements effectively. It emphasizes the importance of first defining the criteria of the disagreement, such as what 'best' means when planning a trip. Next, it suggests understanding the root of the disagreement, which could stem from personal experiences, values, or logical discrepancies. Lastly, it acknowledges that sometimes, despite comprehension of each other's perspectives, parties may choose to agree to disagree, maintaining the relationship's integrity.

Opinions

The author believes that defining the 'playing field' is crucial before engaging in a discussion about a disagreement.
Personal experiences and values are considered significant factors that influence one's stance in a disagreement.
Stating the basis of disagreement aloud can clarify each party's perspective and potentially resolve the conflict.
The article suggests that acknowledging and respecting different viewpoints can lead to a constructive outcome, even if it means agreeing to disagree.
The methodology promoted in the article is derived from Edward de Bono’s work in "How to have a beautiful mind."

Three steps to follow if you want to disagree in a thoughtful and considerate way

Disagreements are a part of life. Whether it’s with your partner, a friend, a co-worker, a boss, a neighbour, a customer service rep or a customer, how you disagree can improve or destroy your relationship.

Herein is a simple methodology I learned from Edward de Bono’s How to have a beautiful mind on how to disagree effectively with others.

Define the playing field

You and your partner are planning an upcoming trip to a nearby city. You think the best way to get there is by car. Your partner says that the best way to get there is by plane. Does this sound familiar?

You disagree, but before you start to get into the source of disagreement, you and your partner need to define the playing field, that is, agree on a definition of ‘best’.

Does best mean most economical? Fastest? Most scenic? Safest?

Without understanding and agreeing on the definition of ‘best’, you can’t start discussing the disagreement productively.

Understand the basis of disagreement

Once you agree on the playing field, you and your partner need to understand the source of disagreement.

Disagreements can occur for many reasons:

Your personal experience

Your values

Cultural history

Family background

Conclusions do not follow

Broken logic

For example, if you say that it’s safer to travel by car because you think you’re a safe driver, your partner might disagree because in general, car accidents are more common than plane accidents. Your disagreement comes because you are basing your view on your personal experience of driving for over a decade whereas your partner is using statistics to back up their view.

Once you both understand the basis for your disagreement, it helps to state this aloud. Assuming you have agreed on the definition that ‘best’ means safest:

“My view is that driving a car is safer because, in my personal history of driving, I’ve never gotten into an accident or any traffic violations. Your view is that flying is safer because there are more car accidents than plane accidents statistically.”

Sometimes one of you will change your mind. Other times, you might point out erroneous conclusions or explanations that do not follow from specific information. Then, there may be times where you agree to disagree.

How To Disagree Without Destroying Your Relationship

Three steps to follow if you want to disagree in a thoughtful and considerate way

Define the playing field

Understand the basis of disagreement

Agree to disagree