Summary

The author shares three tactics to make decisions for the long run, using his personal experience of moving to be with his future wife.

Abstract

In this article, the author discusses how he decided to move to be with his future wife, despite the disruption it would cause in his life. He shares three tactics he used to make this decision: the 10-10-10 rule, the regret minimization framework, and memento mori. The 10-10-10 rule involves considering how a decision will make you feel in 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years. The regret minimization framework involves imagining your 80-year-old self looking back at the path you took. Memento mori is a Latin phrase that reminds us of our mortality and encourages us to focus on what truly matters in life.

Opinions

The author believes that focusing on what we want in the long run is key to making important decisions.
He emphasizes the importance of considering our future selves and the potential for regret when making decisions.
The author suggests that imagining our 80-year-old selves can help us gain perspective and make better choices.
He believes that memento mori can help us focus on what truly matters in life and make decisions that align with our values.
The author acknowledges that decisions can be difficult, but encourages readers to act and not let fear hold them back.
He emphasizes the importance of being true to ourselves and not living according to others' values or concerns.
The author shares his personal experience of moving to be with his future wife and encourages readers to make decisions that align with their own goals and

How to Decide for the Long Run

Use these three tactics to focus on what really matters.

Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash

My wife and I met on a dating app. We were living in different cities at the time but happened to connect while I was visiting her hometown (which was also my hometown). A few months in, I faced a big decision: should I move to be with her?

Moving would mean disrupting the life I had built. I would have to give up a job I felt comfortable in. The job market in our hometown was not as favorable. I would be giving up my friends. I would be giving up parts of city life I loved.

The benefit of moving was obvious: I would get to be with my future wife. In retrospect, this decision may seem obvious but nothing ever is, at the moment. The key principle I used to decide was focusing on what I wanted in the long run. Here are three tactics I used to decide: the 10–10–10 rule, the regret minimization framework, and memento mori.

The 10–10–10 Rule

This rule was developed by author Suzy Welch. The concept is simple. As you ponder a particular option for a decision, ask yourself:

How will you feel in 10 minutes about it?
How will you feel in 10 months?
How will you feel in 10 years?

The mental exercise forces us to step out of our myopic present selves and consider someone we care deeply about but do not know: ourselves in 10 years.

In my case, the rule was clear. If I chose to move, in 10 minutes, I would feel no different. In 10 months, there would be a lot of change, but I would be looking forward to building a new life together. In 10 years, I would have no regrets about moving, but if I did not, I would always wonder “What if…?”

Regret Minimization Framework

This framework takes the 10–10–10 rule to its extreme. The idea is to consider your life backwards. Imagine your 80 year old self looking back at the path you took. What would they say?

The idea was popularized by Jeff Bezos. Before starting Amazon, he had to make a similar career decision. He realized his 80 year old self would most regret not trying to start Amazon, rather than trying and failing.

Like Bezos, my 80 year old self would most regret not moving and seeing what potential our relationship held. And if I moved and the relationship failed? So what — I have had relationships fail before. It sucks but you move on, knowing you gave it your all.

Memento Mori

The phrase memento mori is a Latin phrase that roughly translates to ‘remember that you too shall die.’ Morbid, I know, but useful for gaining perspective. Your concerns did not matter before your birth, and will not matter after you die. This is not an excuse to turn to nihilism, but rather to focus on what you do have: your reasoned choice.

Steve Jobs’ famous 2005 Stanford commencement speech provides a more modern take on this:

Do not live a life according to others’ values or concerns. They do not have the full picture of your life that you do. They do not share your values or your vision. Be true to yourself first and foremost.

When I announced I was leaving my job, some of my colleagues tried to persuade me to stay. They were well-intentioned, but I realized they were not seeing the same problem I was. They could not help but focus on the problem I had created for them: a more uncertain future and potentially a more challenging one. While I empathized with their situation, it was a short-term one. Eventually, I would be replaced and they would move on.

But if I failed to act? Would they act on my behalf to ensure I had a life partner? No, they were benignly indifferent to my personal situation. You have to act on your own behalf.

Deciding To Act

Ultimately, you have to act. I acted and moved, leaving my job behind to be with my then-girlfriend. I proposed, she said yes, we planned a wedding…

And then a pandemic hit.

The wedding was delayed, our honeymoon put off, and our lives upended. Yet, I remain perpetually grateful that I took the decision to act. No regrets.

Decisions often seem tough because we fear losing something we have. But you have to realize everything you have is borrowed: the possessions, the money, even the time. All you have is your reasoned choice. Use it well and act.

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