How to deal with the overwhelming mental load
Becoming aware of your condition, Taking stock of the situation, Reviewing one’s expectations, Asking for help — Delegating, Sharing, Relativising
Last week, my dearest came to me, worried. Is everything all right? Sure, why? I just found the milk in the cupboard and the cocoa powder in the fridge. I smiled.
It didn’t worry me. It’s just one of those moments when my brain, overwhelmed with mental load, goes into automatic mode and makes a bit of a mess.
But I should worry, and I shouldn’t smile.
Theory
We have been reading a lot about mental load since Emma Subiaco sketched out situations from everyday life that highlight it. [Emma | Politics, things that make you think, and recreational breaks](https://english.emmaclit.com/)
It has made it possible to put a word on situations that we all experience without being able to name them.
According to a psychiatrist [Aurélia Schneider](https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aur%C3%A9lia_Schneiderul, a specialist in behavioral and cognitive psychotherapy, the typical profile of the person affected by mental illness is anxious, perfectionist, with a need to “control everything.”
I don’t describe myself as an anxious, perfectionist, with a need to control everything. I don’t particularly worry about everything compared to my friends, but I am more concerned than my husband. And this is the case for ALL the women I know.
For example, my significant anxiety these times concerns my bigger child, who will attend the 6th Grade. What I am anxious about is not the college entrance; it is only the bus ride. So, I’ve planned the whole thing, the trip with the girlfriends, the bus training for the previous weeks and if I can, I’ll go with her for a while until I’m sure she’ll be able to handle it. My husband doesn’t even see what the problem is. AND HE’S RIGHT.
On perfection, I have always seen myself as a LYNETTE (Desperate Housewives) wholly overwhelmed by the servant. I don’t recognize myself in perfectionism. But you don’t have to be a BREE to feel the mental load. Even if I bother to sleep while the dirty dishes are still in the sink, the permanent, repetitive, demanding character of the maid is a source of significant mental load. AND who appreciates the condescending look of a girlfriend passing by unexpectedly on the untidy entrance?
Without being a control freak, I feel bound to ensure the emotional and physical security of my little world. So, I always arrive at the nursery half an hour early; I’m in front of the school door 10 minutes before the opening and managing extra activities. Besides all this, I can’t even imagine my baby taking the bus without me having tested the route, installed three geolocation applications on her phone, and photocopied his diary in 3 copies. I’m not a control freak at all.
From my point of view, the mental load is a gender issue and is a feminist subject, but not only.
Our brain has a limited memory capacity to track tasks and information. Moreover, the parallel functions of a similar nature reduce this working memory.
Therefore, it is logical to put the milk in the cupboard and the cocoa powder in the fridge when filling the insurance form, planning the meal, and asking my daughter to fill in the dishwasher.
So, in summary, Mental Load is all the mental work, organizing, listing, and planning, that you do to manage your life and the lives of those who depend on you.
/I’ll sprinkle this article with thoughts of mental workload that interrupt my writing./ /”I have to order groceries for this week’s drive.”
WHY?
Any woman with the choice between an outside job and the household is mad as hell if she doesn’t throw herself on the job GROUCHO MARX
When I think about my current situation as a woman, wife, mother facing a mental burden, there is something I can’t explain to myself. Why is it that while I have been fed to gender equality, I have a higher income than my husband, I have no specific household skills, I have a todo list as long as my arm for the domestic family children component while my husband does NOT have a todo list.
Don’t get me wrong. I bless the God of the ToDoList every day since he looked into my case and provided me like Moses returning from Mount Sinai with the ☐ box, the check ☑︎ , and the list.
But the ToDoList is not enough.
I am the queen of the Todolist; I have several todo list apps, three bucket list, three agendas, different sorts of post-it, a magnetic board. But, I’m always afraid of forgetting something important, and the worst thing is that sometimes it happens to me.
Before the birth of my daughter, we could compete with my husband (and we did) who doesn’t fill the dishwasher, and I won regularly. I had a higher threshold of tolerance for clutter and mess than he did.
Since the first child born, everything changed.
From the moment the need to be AND to appear to be a “good” mother arose, the mental load made its bed.
“Good” mothers are fully invested in their children’s education, which involves a “well-kept” house and cookies in the oven.
Should I keep putting the milk carton in the cupboard, or is there something I can do?
We usually combine managing the mental load with task sharing and planning.
And while that’s the first step, it’s not enough.
You are not playing a basketball game where you pass the ball, support your teammate during his dribbles and then get the ball back after a few passes for the final shot. AKA: Tell him to do the dishes, show him where the washing-up liquid is and come back to check that everything is lined up correctly, and then launch the washing machine.
Sharing the mental load and therefore lightening our load means giving our partner a whole aspect of our responsibilities and making them his own. They become his responsibilities.
But to get there, it takes several steps: - Becoming aware of your condition, - Take stock of the situation, - Reviewing expectations, - Asking for help — Delegating, - Share, - Put into perspective.
TAKE NOTE OF YOUR CONDITION
Before we can change anything, we must first become aware of it. Take the time to observe your body and mind by meditating, for example. Observe your feelings, your stress, your fatigue. Take action and draw from this feeling the motivation and the desire to change your situation.
ASSESS THE PLACE
Make a list, two lists, three lists, ten lists. Clear your head. That’s it. Is it hollow? Go on. The cheese to buy, got it? The vaccine in six months, got it? Help yourself to some sample lists.
Here you have your material.
From these lists, set goals, what you will no longer do, what you will delegate through supervision, what you will share in responsibilities, and what you will do.
REVIEW YOUR EXPECTATIONS — DO YOU WANT THE AWARD FOR THE PERFECT MOTHER?
The household of the world is like the household of a house. You have to start over every day ELSA TRIOLET
I hate cleaning. You make the bed, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
We all have a BREE in our entourage. The perfect house, perfectly tidy, perfect children, who speak Chinese, English, Finnish, like to do puzzles, play tennis, football and aikido. She practices QIGONG at 8 am, and when you show up unexpectedly with the secret desire to see her in her juice, she takes a roast lamb out of the oven and says, ‘it’s nothing, just a little nibble for a snack’. Yes, you love this one, but you often feel like strangling her. Next time you see her, remember: BREE was an alcoholic, control freak, and her kids hated her. A little word to my BREE friends who recognize each other: I love you and don’t want any of this for you. But some days…
Having a tidy house and perfect children is not a goal. A home is either tidy or full of children, rarely both. So stop cleaning all the time. Set a minimum routine to keep the boat afloat and don. Take it in turns to find your ideal rhythm.
/Mr. Big was supposed to be at dinner, why is he late coming home from his drink? »/.
ASK FOR HELP — DELEGATE
Often, our halves don’t know a quarter of what’s going on in our heads. If I don’t say that the load is too heavy and I can’t handle it anymore, he won’t realize it on his own.
From our spouses’ point of view, we are WONDER WOMAN and are happy like SABRINA wiggling her little nose to take care of everything until ‘all of a sudden we turn into MISS HULK and break the old dishes (which we wanted to change anyway, right?). So speak up, say in a HIGH VOICE that you need help.
DELEGATE
Who has never heard his spouse say: “I can’t do the laundry, too complicated.” Here’s the guy with a MASTER 2 able to write a thesis on the economic situation of the world, to operate a remote control with — wait, I’m counting with my fingers — 33 keys. He claims not to know how to use the washing machine (just washing, no drying) (5 choices, one button).
I saw mine going down a manhole to get his phone and get it back without wincing then wincing when it was time to sort the laundry.
DELEGATE anyway.
In extreme situations, extreme measures ladies. I played arm wrestling with my husband. I decided not to care about the dishes and waited until he decided to DO SOMETHING about it. I won. Pinch your nose, close your eyes, take out the disposable plates and hold on. He’ll give in eventually.
Then, he understands that you’re willing to stay on the couch without caring. He will try to discuss this. Don’t fight. Just say: “Would you do something about it?”
Don’t Move. Don’t Move. Hold On.
Here we are. Mr. Big takes a plate and begins to wash.
Delegation. DONE.
But remember, when you say delegation, you say congratulations.
GREEEAAAT, the dishes are done. My savior, my hero. Make the heroic rope work. Yes, I know your feminist streak is growing. It’s up to you to see if ten years of feminist demands haven’t made your half sway, it might be time to change your method or your half.
AND NO CRITICISM
As long as he has not become accustomed to feeling responsible for the state of your kitchen, count for that 1 or 2 months, you will not utter any criticism. Otherwise, you will only give water to his mill of “you see that I don’t know how to do”.
DELEGATE AGAIN
There are several ways to delegate, depending on who you charge to: - To my daughter, to whom I delegate the dishes, vacuuming, and taking out the trash, I transfer a specific task. But given her age, I take it upon myself to remind her to do it, I monitor and correct, - To my husband, I don’t delegate a task but an area. Managing dinner tonight means that he will answer the question “what are we having for dinner tonight”, will do the shopping, the dinner, call the children to the table, and manage the kitchen cleaning afterward.
SHARE
At this stage, you and your half are ripe for shared responsibility. Enjoy. But stay alert.
What’s bred in the bone will come out in the flesh. I’m not talking about your better half. I’m talking about our need for control over how the dishwasher is filled or our aim to the black belt of the cleanliness house. That’s how you end up washing your kitchen walls while cooking and watching a web conference.
Know what is important and what is not
/Mr. BIG is taking care of dinner now or what? “Well, I’ll do it. “GRRRRRR
You go home one night. You don’t have a shred of a dinner idea, yesterday’s dishes are still in the sink, your head is still at work. You even don’t know where to start.
Mr. Big on the couch says, “so what’s for dinner?”
The mustard gets up your nose? Tears? Sit down, sit down. Take a breath. Breathe again. Call the Japanese or the Indian. Cut up a sausage and get some chips.
It’s the only thing to do. As far as I know, the dishes won’t run away, and Mr. Big keeps better in bed than a clean kitchen.
BIS
There will be ups and downs. That’s what life is all about. Family life even more. Your only goal at the end of the day is always to be aware that your value is not in your household’s cleanliness, that you will delegate and ask for help. You know that if you lose your way, you will know how to find it again.
That’s why I smiled when I put the milk in the cupboard and the cocoa in the fridge.
