How to Deal With the One-Upper in Your Life

They’re not toxic people, necessarily

“They wanna see you do good, but not better than them.”

Remember being young and looking forward to birthdays? Sitting at the head of the table surrounded by family and friends feeling like a king at a coronation.

With the curtains drawn, the only thing visible is your eager face — lit up by the spotlight of dancing candle flames while your fans sing an off-key rendition of happy birthday.

But there’s only one thing in your mind — the once in a year event when the singing ends cueing you for the big finale. For a brief moment in time, all eyes are on you. You will not disappoint.

As your lungs fill with air, enough to smother a small brush fire, the flames begin to quiver upon their pending doom. It will only require a singular exhale, leaving no doubt that this year’s wish will come true.

You can almost hear the eruption of applause and followed by a celebratory face caking.

After reaching intake capacity, at the pinnacle of climax, sneaking in like a ninja, your stupid-faced cousin douses your wishes and dreams in a flurry of wind and spit.

What was supposed to be the highlight of your year, ends in a brawl with your cake as ammunition.

The one-upper strikes again. In signature fashion.

More Than Meets The Eye

Seldom in adulthood are one-uppers so extreme. Besides, all those self-help books have trained us to spot toxic people a mile away.

One-uppers are a bit more subtle, a bit more creative, unexpectedly swooping in using you as a stepstool to regale others with a more fantastic narrative of your story.

They’re so charming, aren’t they? The way they cause you to grit your teeth and smile. The way they make your blood boil as they piggyback off you to propel themselves into the limelight.

But what if we’ve got it all wrong? What if rather than insecure toxic people, thunder stealing is their feeble attempt to relate to others in their own awkward way?

Perhaps they’re just very observant storytellers. They know how to get under your skin. Whether that merits credit is up to you. How you respond is what’s important.

Somewhere along the way, we let competitiveness trump collaboration. I’m not saying one-uppers are all misunderstood scapegoats just as all advisors don’t always have your best interests in mind.

One-uppers don’t exactly go out of their way for you but they’re not necessarily haters either.

With a little extra effort on our end, we can sharpen our empathy, learn to be objective, and keep our sanity.

Eventually, letting them have one won’t seem like taking a loss. We can counter with clever banter while also preserving our mood and our partner’s ear.

But as they say, easier said than done.

We Can’t Escape It

Whether we’re paying attention or not, we’re witnesses to one-upmanship every day. It’s how sports teams crown a winner, which employee gets promoted, and who’s supposedly living a better life.

In the entertainment industry, we watch movies like Gladiator and root for Russell Crowe, the respected general of the Roman army reduced to a common gladiator. His mission — to avenge his murdered family by one-upping his opponents through gruesome death battles.

In the workplace, employees trade literal swords for figurative ones to backstab colleagues on their way to a coveted promotion.

The best Instagram influencers are experts at manicuring the perfect lifestyle leaving us in awe behind a curtain of envy.

It’s no wonder people communicate with a one-up mentality. With a culture that encourages the notion that more is better, we’re trained to outshine each other.

With these daily reminders of how much we’re lacking, it’s easy to take something personally when someone we know trumps us with their version of your story.

We feel like we can’t catch a break.

The problem bubbles to the surface when we start to become wary of people and automatically assume the worst about them until they can prove otherwise.

This negative mindset starts leaking into other areas of thought. One trickle of negativity leads to another one and now all of sudden you’re flailing in a sea of hostility.

By the time you go out to hang with friends and someone shares a similar story as you, you react by raining down enough rage and judgment to make you the crazy villain while Mr. steal-your-story is the innocent victim.

Before you require intervention or resort to passive-aggressiveness by shunning yourself from anyone who isn’t your spouse or your dog, here are some alternative ways of looking at these folks.

Give People The Benefit Of The Doubt

There’s nothing gained by assuming the worst in someone’s intentions. You’re either going to be wrong or you’ll fulfill your own prophecy.

Let’s imagine someone fabricated a story by embellishing yours. What now? By overreacting does he change his ways and do you receive life points for putting a one-upper in his place?

Rather than questioning why a one-upper is a certain way, we ask ourselves why his actions bother us so much. Most of the time, I can barely understand why I do the things I do let alone try to figure out someone else’s behavior.

What if instead, we gave people more slack? Allowing petty things to rile us up only ends with us feeling like junk. I can assure you that you’re thinking about them a whole lot more than they are about you.

If we can assume the worst, we also have the ability to assume the best. Perhaps the show-off is actually down to earth or at least half-decent when he’s not peacocking in the presence of others.

The “It’s Not You, It’s Me” Approach

Take some ownership. No one enjoys wallowing in hate or self-pity and we certainly don’t want to give anyone the power to make us feel that way.

It’s easy to run from or react to our negative emotions. But every time we don’t face it head-on, we’re hardwiring that response into our system. Now when we see that person or come across a similar situation, we fight perceived fire with fire.

As uncomfortable as it is, reflect on things that you surrender your valuable energy to. The alternative is remaining angry. That’s just exhausting.

I’m sure you can think of better ways to allocate your energy. Ways that serve your business, your relationships, and your health.

Let Them Be Or Cut Them Loose

Obviously if someone is shaming or ridiculing you, be secure enough to disassociate and take appropriate measures.

As long as a one-upper isn’t your life coach, let him be. Let him bask in his own glory and trust that others are keen enough to see through his bloated story.

Most of the time one-uppers just want to get a rise out of you to elevate themselves. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

At this point we know who our true friends are, if not it’s about time to reassess your relationships.

You can do this by simply taking a look at your friend’s list. How do you feel about the person your cursor is hovering over? If your first thought is a positive one then congratulations. If not, there’s great satisfaction from an overdue Facebook friend purge.

If he’s not someone you’d take life advice from, you really don’t need to get bent out of shape by his antics.

We feel good when we’re acknowledged, there’s no doubt about it. Some crave the attention a little more and have different ways of communicating it.

While one-upping can be taken too far, everyone who shares a similar experience doesn’t have vicious intent. And if they do, think about how sad that individual must be.

I’m sure there have been many times I’ve come across as a one-upper when my sole intent was to relate or empathize.

Try to zoom out and look at the big picture, if one-uppers are a big contributor to your stress, it’s not the worst problem to have.

Keep in mind that they’re not out to hurt you. This can help you with empathy, shift your perspective, and keep your good mood intact.