Handling Things With Your Partner’s Family After A Breakup

When our romantic relationships breakdown, it’s important that we also remember the ties we’ve formed with our in-laws.

by: E.B. Johnson

There are millions of breakup articles out there which will tell you the best ways to heal, but few of them address what to do when it comes to breakup up with our in-laws.

When we find ourselves in longterm relationships, we bond not only with our partners, but also with their friends and family.

Likewise, when we find those relationships coming to and, we can find ourselves dealing with some sticky connections that do more harm than good. Breaking up with our partners means learning how to breakup with their family too, but that can be a hard, hard thing to navigate.

When things come to an end with our partners, they often end (out of necessity) with their family and friends. This isn’t always the case, however, nor does it need to be.

That decision ultimately comes down to us, though, and what we need in order to feel as though we are getting what we need in order to feel happy, whole and fulfilled again.

If you’ve found yourself in the midst of a raw and gut-wrenching breakup, part of getting through is figuring out what to do with the in-laws you’ve gained along the way.

That’s something which can only be determined with understanding and brutal honesty — both with your ex’s family and with yourself.

Why we get so attached to our in-laws.

Though we don’t often think about it when we’re in the process of falling in love, the families of our partners are vitally important; both before and after the relationship falls apart.

Just because we’ve ended things with our spouse or partner doesn’t mean we’ve severed ties with them completely. When we’ve grown close to our in-laws, we also have to navigate complicated breakups with them. And that’s something that can be just as heartbreaking to do.

We get just as attached to our in-laws as we do to our partners in many ways, and it’s not hard to understand why. The family of our partners are just as close as our own once we bring our lives together, meaning that they are there for just as many important milestones and moments of happy memory.

They show pride in us, they include us, and they can share with us countless happy memories or joyful experiences that make it easier to bond and connect on deep and meaningful levels.

Just as our own families can be important fonts of compliments, advice, wisdom, and unconditional love — the families of our longterm partners and spouses can also become important figureheads in our lives. Sometimes which can make it hard to let them go or say goodbye in the wake of particularly devastating breakup.

When it’s okay to keep in-touch and when it’s not.

When we find our relationships coming to an end, it often means the end of the relationships that we share with their family. This isn’t always the case, however, as we can sometimes salvage some of these bonds in the right circumstances.

Infidelities

Many relationships end after one partner (or the other) commits an infidelity of some type. Infidelities are emotionally complex, and this is true not only for those directly involved, but the families of the partners too.

If you or your partner has betrayed the trust of the other by straying outside of the relationship, you’ve betrayed the trust of your inherited family of in-laws as well. In this respect, it’s better to walk away and drop the contact that was betrayed in the first place.

Painful breakups

Relationships end sometimes, and there’s nothing we can do about it. People and situations change. What we want shifts and grows along with our own personal transformations.

When that happens, however, our in-laws and our new chosen families can become painful reminders of what can never be again. Clinging to those relationships — when they cause more pain than happiness — is self-defeating and unhealthy on a number of levels; making it necessary to cut the ties and walk away entirely.

Uncomfortable exes

No matter how good your relationship might be with your ex’s family, if maintaining those relationships make your ex uncomfortable — they’re inappropriate. Even if your ex is someone diabolical, there’s a certain modicum of respect that has to be observed.

It can also come down to recognizing your own longterm safety, or the mental and emotional health of both yourself, your in-laws and your own family and support networks who could become involved along the way.

A civilized separation

On the bright side, not all relationships explode into fiery and dangerous wreckage. Sometimes, our relationships come to a close both naturally and peacefully, with both partners recognizing that it’s time for them to move on.

When this occurs, both parties demonstrate that they have both understanding and empathy, as well as a solid hold on boundaries and what they mean. This knowledge to hand, it becomes more appropriate to maintain a relationship with your ex’s family — so long as the same boundaries and levels of respect are observed.

A fresh breakup

When a breakup is brand new, things are often chaotic with lots of emotional ups and downs that make it hard to see straight (let alone navigate the delicate dance of maintaining a post-breakup in-law relationship).

Even if you have a great relationship with your in-laws, it’s important to put a hold on those relationships in the wake of a breakup — even the best one. Fresh breakups leave us raw, and it’s important to give ourselves the space we need to recalibrate and reassess who we are and what we want in that delicate time.

Genuinely shared interests

Just having a civilized breakup isn’t enough of an excuse to keep things going with your exes family. If you’re truly looking to keep those relationships alive, you have to make sure they’re organic in the first place; don’t try to force something out of fear or desperation.

Only maintain communication with your ex’s family if you have genuine shared interests; these connections can’t be a relationship that’s forced or forged in the wake of heartache.

The rules for dealing with your in-laws after a breakup.

Breaking up with the family of your ex isn’t something that just happens overnight. Just as our romantic breakups can take time (and a serious toll), calling things off with our in-laws can be a process that takes time for us to analyze and action.

Talk to your ex, create space and embrace the new way in which things much function in order to protect your sanity. There’s nothing wrong with walking away, but there’s nothing wrong with learning to love change either.

1. Clear it with your ex first

It’s not uncommon for the families and friends of our exes to become important to us in their own special way (especially if you’re someone who didn’t come from a big or welcoming family).

Merging lives with another person means their family becomes your family, and the care that you hold for them doesn’t necessarily change just because your romantic relationship does. As discussed, it’s not always appropriate to stay close to your ex’s family, however. That’s why the first step in deciding whether or not to cut that cord begins with talking to your ex.

If you have aspirations for keeping your ex’s family around — that’s fine — but make sure you have that conversation with your ex first. Make sure they open up the channels of communication for you, don’t reach for their family without them making that move first. For it to truly be okay with them, they need to actively help you maintain those relationships. Anything less could cause major emotional conflict.

You also have to have a conversation when it’s time to cut that family out, though. If your mother-in-law or sister-in-law was important to you, and you feel like that relationship can no longer be sustained — you need to share that information with your ex.

Family can become closely intertwined during a relationship, and when things end they also have to be brought to a close with those same family members. If the way you interact with your family-in-laws is about to change in a major way, have that conversation with your ex first and let them begin that conversation with their own family.

2. Establish boundaries

Setting boundaries is one of the most critical skills we can master in this life, but it’s often one of the hardest to tackle. Boundaries are the lines by which we define what we need and what we want.

It’s how we protect ourselves and respect ourselves, and it’s the guide by which we teach others to treat us. These boundaries are especially important to focus on post breakup, and can be key in creating the new and limited relationships with your in-laws that breakups often demand.

Be respectful — of both yourself and others — but communicate your new needs honestly and earnestly. Let them know what you expect and why, and let them know that this is not only for your own mental and emotional health, but theirs as well. Your boundaries are what can help you cut the cord, and they are what can protect you and your heart during this delicate time.

Lean into your boundries and don’t make apologies for them. As hard as it might be to accept, the ending of your relationship also means the ending of the responsibilities to your in-laws.

It’s okay, in any stage of a relationship, to set up the bounds that you need in order to be happy. Take a step back and analyze your situation honestly. Can things stay as they are? Probably not. Communicate that, and do it through unbreakable boundaries that help protect who you are and what you need and want.

3. Accept that things are different

Our families (whether inherited or chosen) are an important part of our life foundation, and that becomes especially true when we find ourselves in the midst of a major breakup.

When our romances breakdown, we rely on our families and this means opening up and sharing aspects of ourselves and our experienes. Necessarily, this can change how our families view our partners. Likewise, it can also change the way they relate to them.

Things change when we breakup with our partners, and that’s an important fact to embrace in the midst of the heartbreaking upheaval. No matter how close you might have been to your in-laws, things will forever be different between you because of the ending of your romantic relationship. You have to accept this, and you have to embrace it, before any real steps toward resolution can be made.

Understand that different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. As humans, we fear change more than we fear any monster under the bed. It unsettles us, and makes us insecure, but it can be a truly transformative thing when we learn how to navigate it and understand it for what it is.

Only by accepting the fact that the relationship you share with your in-laws is now different can you then figure out how to navigate that relationship in future. It’s all about creating space, but that can be something that can be hard to do in the wake of a major heartbreak.

4. Step back when it’s necessary

Space is a strange thing, and something we fear almost as much as change. When we create space between ourselves and people (or experiences) we allow ourselves to take a step back and reassess things for what they really are.

Finding yourself in the fallout of a major relationship breakdown can be a painful experience, but it’s a necessary one and one that only takes place when you’ve put some space between yourself and the the other party. The same goes for the in-law relationship.

Once the combustion has happened, it’s important that you take a step back from them and give them and equal opportunity to analyze and assess.

When things get weird or awkward, be the first one to take a step back. Hit snooze on social media, and stop reaching for that “Send” button. Create space between you and your in-laws by not calling, texting or seeking them out. Breakups don’t just hurt the people directly involved.

They hurt our loved ones too. Respect their need to heal, just as you would want someone to respect yours. Put some distance between yourself and the family of your ex as soon as the breakup is official. It doesn’t have to be forever, but it does have to be for right now.

A big part of creating this space is giving not only them time to heal, but giving yourself that time as well. When you’re living in the shadow of your ex and their family, it’s impossible to get perspective on your own emotions or what steps you need to take next.

Give them a heads up, and communicate that the space you’re creating is just as much about their personal health as yours. Don’t severe ties without a word, but don’t make the “goodbye” (whether temporary or permanent) last forever, either.

There’s no use dragging out the things that cause us pain. Embrace the change and embrace the space and let everyone get focused on what they need.

5. Embrace the time-heal

They say that time heals all wounds and, while that isn’t entirely true, it certainly is a major help-meet in the process. With time, we get new perspective on the things that once caused us pain, and in that same space we also learn more about who we are and whaat we want.

When we embrace the passage of time as a balm the heartache we’re feeling now, we can fall into a process that is both transformative and invigorating.

Allow time to fill the space you are creating between yourself and your in-laws. Even though things are weird now, they don’t always have to be. If someone in your ex’s family is particularly important to you, know that they can be there again one day — but acknowledge that they can’t be there right now.

When we’re hurting, we all need time to get back on our feet and back in touch with our strength. Give yourself the gift of this time and give it to them too. Don’t run to them with your pain. Let them be the family of your ex, and them alone.

It’s hard to be patient when you’re hurting, but it’s vitally important. If this process is complicated by children, rely on your boundaries to retain the space that time can not allow.

Substitute your reliances on them with members of your own support networks you can trust, and look for ways to distract yourself when you’re especially longing for their comfort, compassion or wisdom. No matter how much we love our ex’s family, we have to allow that our ex comes first to them.

Embrace that, and embrace that the salve of time will calm this burn eventually. Nothing lasts forever, not even our pain.

6. Lean into *your* support networks

The family and chosen family we surround ourselves is important, and can be especially important when it comes to healing post-breakup. If you’re struggling to let go of your ex and their family, re-establishing abandoned ties with your own family can be a great way to get back in contact with who you are.

This is because our family relationships allow us to get a better grip in our perspective. And that makes all the difference when it comes to fulfillment and joy.

Get comfortable talking about how you feel, and find a friend you can trust that is willing to listen to you vent. Let them know exactly how the breakup is still causing you to struggle and let them know you need a willing shoulder (and a willing ear) to listen to you on a regular basis.

Talking about our failed relationships can be hard, but it’s necessary. Speaking up about what’s going on inside facilitates healing by helping us to see the reality of the situation and our role in it.

Love often comes at the cost of clarity, but an outside perspective can help us overcome that. If you’re still struggling to thrive in the wake of a relationship that hit the rocks, try reaching out and opening up about how you’re feeling.

7. Learn to love change

You have to accept what’s happened and refocus your attention to the things that make you glad or heartfelt in this time. Learn to love change and embrace it as the only constant force in this life.

While it might be comforting to imagine your loved one coming back to you one day, you have to learn to look at your love from a different perspective. Just because we love someone does not mean that we need them or their family, and it certainly doesn’t mean that they need us in return.

Change is an unavoidable part of life. Our jobs change. Our friends change.It’s only natural that our relationships should change too. There are no rules when it comes to finding ourselves again, or perfecting and readjusting the other relationships that we find in the orbit of our romantic demise.

If we want to be happy, we have to accept that things are as they are and move forward, doing what we can to secure the future we still want.

While your relationship might have started out in bliss accept that it was always bound to twist and turn and transform over time — leaving two people at the finish line that are very different from the two that started the race to begin with.

The same goes for your in-lwas. Give yourself a time limit to grieve, but give them the same. If things are over, they’re over, but life can and will go on. Embrace this never-ending game and zero-in on the people that are still making your heart sing.

Putting it all together…

When we find ourselves in the throes of a devstating breakup, it can be hard to realize the other personal ties that have to be adjusted or severed in the wake. We don’t just fall into longterm relationships with our partners. We form deep bonds with their friends and their family as well.

Breaking up doesn’t just mean things are different for you and your partner, it means things are necessarily different for your and your in-laws as well. This differs by situation, however, and understanding your unique needs is the key to navigating these new and complex changes.

Talk to your ex first and let them know how you’re feeling about your relationship with their family. If you were close to your in-laws, communicate that closeness to your ex and communicate too the possibility that you may (or may not) want to maintain that communication in future.

Breakups are complex, and navigating the relationships we form as a result of those initial partnerships are no less complex. Establish boundaries that allow you to protect your own emotional and mental needs. Things are different. Accept that, and be the first to create the space you all need to heal.

Embrace that time will make things look different for you all eventually. Let go of the close and intimate relationships you shared with your ex’s family and lean into the arms of your family and friends instead. Our support networks can provide critical perspective in this delicate time.

Open your arms to that shift, and learn to love change — the only constant in this life. Breakups are hard for everyone involved. Start looking out for yourself and from there, reassess what you need from the family you’ve gained along the way.

© E.B. Johnson 2022