How To Deal With Double Grief Without Losing Oneself

I felt I was spiraling to rock bottom and I couldn’t stop going down

2016 is a year that I’ll never forget. Both my mother-in-law, Marthe, and my brother, Boris, died within weeks of each other. Neither had a long-term illness, it all happened so fast, within a matter of weeks.

I remember Christmas 2015, little did I know then that was the last time we would all be together. My family and I had just moved back to Geneva, Switzerland, and despite still having much of our stuff in moving boxes, I decided to invite the whole extended family over.

I remember waking up on Christmas morning and wondering why I had taken it upon myself to make lunch for 15 people in my tiny kitchen. Today, I don’t regret a minute of that decision because it was the last time we were all insanely happy and complete.

It was an unusually warm Christmas, we were in shorts and T-shirts. We joked and laughed and had a truly wonderful day. Those memories are etched into my brain forever.

That was the last Christmas of pure unadulterated joy. I always feel a bit of sorrow on Christmas day now. I miss both my mother-in-law and brother a lot.

But 2016, was indeed a strange year. I remember that a number of icons died that year. There was Muhammad Ali, Prince, David Bowie, George Michael, Carrie Fisher, and many others. I remember telling my husband that Summer that the year was jinxed and that we’d be lucky to make it through it alive.

Little did I know, that I would lose two of the dearest people in my life before the year was done.

That year, my mum turned 70. My sister organized a surprise family party for her. When I look at the photos today, I see how happy we all were.

My mum had a beautiful smile on her face, one that I was used to seeing ever since I was a baby. Ever since my brother died, she has never again smiled like that. Something died inside her the day he passed.

In 2016 also, we took my mum on a Caribbean cruise. It was her lifelong wish and we wanted to celebrate her for everything that she had given us.

When she was offered a job in Switzerland in the 80s, she didn’t have to come here with all five of us, but she did. She was a single mum and she convinced my grandmother to come with her to take care of us while she spent long days at work. It must not have been easy.

My mom has always put us first. I have lived a life beyond my wildest dreams because of the sacrifices she made for us.

In September 2016, my brother came over for dinner. He seemed unusually stressed and had a bad cough. I remember making burgers — and since I was trying to be a vegetarian at the time, I made some veggie alternatives.

My brother jokingly made fun of the situation and asked me to never serve him a veggie burger.

At the time, there was this up-and-coming South African comedian called Trevor Noah making his debut on The Daily Show. I was proud that a Black man had been chosen to replace Jon Stewart.

Boris and I loved Noah and laughed so much at his jokes that our stomachs ached. During that dinner, my brother fainted at some point. I was alarmed and rushed to call an ambulance.

Shortly after, he came to and instructed me not to. I hesitantly put down the phone. He acted normally after that, but I was still worried.

The next day, I boarded my flight for New York to attend the UN General Assembly.

Minutes before departing, I was still trying to reach my brother by phone. He didn’t respond. I wrote to his wife begging her to make him go see a doctor.

I was worried to my stomach and called my husband in tears. He said he would talk to my brother.

By the time I came back, my mother-in-law was complaining of pain in her abdomen. We thought she needed some rest so my husband went over to spend some time with her while I stayed with the children. My mother-in-law couldn’t keep anything down. We decided it was best to call an ambulance. My husband went with her to the hospital.

They discovered a blockage in her intestine and told us that surgery was required. She was 93 years old and we were worried. In the end, the surgery went well, but a week after, she started to feel unwell.

From there, she didn’t recover, she died on October 11, 2016. My husband and I had made sure the children saw her before she died.

My mother-in-law was a kind and discreet person. She never wanted anyone to worry, she never drew attention to herself. Even when she felt she was dying, she didn’t want us to worry.

The day she passed, my husband was by her side. I remember him calling me from the hospital — “Mum has left us”, he said.

I could feel the deep pain and sadness in his voice.

About a week later, we buried her. In church, both children read moving tributes to their grandmother. I had tears in my eyes, I knew that we were going to miss her very much.

I knew that if I started crying, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I held it together, but deep down inside, I was breaking.

My brother and his wife were present. I remember that he looked tired and still had a hacking cough. He told me it was bronchitis and not to worry.

After the funeral, my husband and I went to the lakeside. His pain was raw, he was inconsolable. His mother was the last surviving member of his family, the only family he had left now was me and the kids.

After burying my mother-in-law, I went back to work. My plan was to catch up on over 1000 emails at the time.

I remember sitting at my desk when my phone rang. It was my sister-in-law, and for a second, I thought of declining the call. Something told me that I shouldn’t.

When I answered, she calmly told me that my brother had fainted at home that morning and that he had been admitted into intensive care. The diagnosis was deep vein thrombosis.

The doctors did all they could to save him, but 11 weeks later, on December 6, 2016, my brother passed away from complications of a pulmonary embolism.

I remember sitting there with his two young children, the pain was too much, and I felt completely numb. I thought I was in a bad dream, that none of it was real, but it was.

Immediately after he died, we had to make funeral arrangements. For a while that busied my mind and took away the painful reality. We buried him on December 13 — there were more than 500 souls in the church. My brother was loved.

When we took him to his final resting place, I thought I would die. I still couldn’t believe it. It was then that it really hit me that death was permanent, the ending of all things.

And even now, 7 years later, I still can’t believe it. I sometimes think that he is going to show up at my doorstep with his incredibly beautiful smile and contagious laughter.

In a few days, my daughter turns 18. She was only 11 when her grandmother and my uncle died. She told me the other day how hard that year was for her.

Recently, I heard someone say that death forces you out of innocence and childhood. I truly believe that that traumatic year made my kids grow up much faster.

Indeed, when I look at the photos of Christmas 2015, they were so carefree, and so was I. 2016 changed our lives forever.

But we made it through that year and the years after that one day at a time. We made a list of the things we loved to do – like going to Europa Park, an amusement park in Germany, and we made sure we went there often.

It was a magical place and I always felt we had some reprieve from the pain of grief while we were there. We screamed our hearts out on the rollercoaster rides and made the most of each moment.

We live in Europe and it is easy to get around on low-cost flights. We went to Rome, Barcelona, and Ibiza and stayed in beautiful, cheap, Airbnbs.

We discovered new places and made even more memories than before. I felt that my brother and mother-in-law were smiling down on us all the time.

Some days are still really hard, like Christmas and birthdays and family events.

Somehow though, I feel their presence and I know that they will always be with us. No matter what, we will always be family.

Thank you for reading my perspective.