How to Deal with Difficult People? Here’s the Secret Sauce

Lessons in civility learned from behind a fast-food counter

When I turned 16 I took my first job, at McDonald’s. I was a “counter girl” — meaning I took customers’ orders. These were the days before drive-thrus, so I got to talk to a lot of people face-to-face. I liked that a lot. However, I did deal with my share of challenging personalities.

To manage long lines during an intense lunch rush one day, I furiously took orders and worked the cash register, while “runners” worked behind me, bagging orders and delivering them to the customers.

A burly man stepped up to my register wearing a scowl and dingy overalls. Without waiting for a greeting, he barked, “A Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke. And make sure there’s no special sauce. I hate that crap.” As trained, I noted the man’s request on a ticket, called out “special order,” and gave the ticket to a runner working behind me. The runner delivered the order to the guys running the grill.

I’d rung up several other customers when the man in overalls elbowed his way back to the front of my line, his face red with fury.

“I told you no special sauce!” he bellowed. Then, winding up like an Olympic shot putter, he heaved that sandwich right into my face.

Reframing the story

Today, that kind of behavior might send the man in overalls straight to jail. But in the 1970s, all I could do was wipe my face, order a new sandwich, and stoically move on to the next customer.

After the rush subsided, I met with the store manager, Roger. First, he allowed me to vent. Then he did something unexpected: He asked me to imagine the man’s life.

The request took me by surprise. I needed a few minutes to think. But soon I came up with something like this:

Mr. Overalls is a working man who feels stuck in a thankless job. His kids are out of control. His wife doesn’t love him. Eating a Big Mac was going to be the highlight of his entire day. But like the rest of his life, this was screwed up.

An antidote to incivility

I didn’t realize it at the time, but Roger’s approach is backed by scientific research. Christine Porath is a professor at Georgetown University who researches workplace culture.

As she wrote in the Harvard Business Review, it’s nearly impossible to be untouched by rudeness. After polling thousands of employees she found that 98% experienced bad behavior at work and 99% witnessed it.

The behavior ran the gamut from ignoring people’s opinions and bullying subordinates to sabotaging projects and throwing tantrums (like my Mr. Overalls).

However it presents, Porath says, incivility takes a toll. She says that witnessing or experiencing nasty behavior impairs short-term memory and can even damage the immune system.

Fortunately, Porath’s studies uncovered tactics anyone can use to minimize the effects of rudeness. She says the most effective antidote is to work holistically on your own well-being, rather than trying to change the perpetrator or the relationship. The key is a concept she calls cognitive thriving.

Shifting your focus

Our conscious brain can think about only so many things at once, Porath says. So instead of ruminating on a personal humiliation, shift your focus. Start a journal, start a new project, or (as my manager Roger suggested) imagine the backstory of the person who wronged you.

All of these effectively employ the art of distraction. Porath told the story of a woman in marketing who told her, “A toxic environment was chipping away at my soul.”

Seeing no way out of her current position, the woman decided to focus on a new goal: getting her MBA. The woman’s subsequent success gave her a boost of confidence — which gave her an alternate focus and made her more resilient to her corrosive work environment.

The approach also works in the opposite direction — for those dishing out the negative vibes. A University of Central Florida study had participants known for rude, gossiping, or ostracizing behaviors spend a few minutes a day jotting down things they were grateful for.

The study, published in the Journal of Applied Psychology, found that after only two weeks, coworkers reported the journal writers were nicer to be around.

The takeaway

I’m grateful to Roger for giving me a tool to deal with difficult people. With years of practice, I’ve become a little better equipped to deal with everyone from ranting bosses and judgmental family members to hormonal teenagers and friends with agendas.

Thriving cognitively is far from easy. It requires patience, mindfulness, and humility. I’m far from an expert.

But when it comes to dealing with difficult people, shifting focus can be a powerful tactic. Or, as my manager at McDonald’s might say, it’s the “secret sauce.”

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