How to Deal With a World Full of A**holes

Without losing your mind

Is it me, or are there more a**holes in the world today? They’re everywhere.

You can’t go to dinner, the movies, work, or the grocery store without bumping into someone who needs more than a swift kick in the pants (I’m trying to be reserved). They’re on every media outlet you can think of. And I haven’t even mentioned politics yet. Oops.

A**holes are like a crusty Cornflake on the side of a cereal bowl — no matter how many times you try to wash it off, it still sticks to the freaking bowl!

Okay, now that we know of this infestation, what can we do about it? How do you handle a world full of a**holes without being one yourself and without losing your mind?

Let’s find out.

How to spot an a**hole

Sometimes, spotting an a-hole is easy. But for beginners, the signs may need to be clarified. To better understand the characteristics and behaviors of the “manners-challenged” population, let’s take a safari into their natural habitat to help you make determinations.

The parking space a**hole (parkalonis jerkonis)

I’m sure you’ve come across this angle parking pest before but were unaware.

These common individuals crave attention and status. The male of the species typically has diminished sexual organs, while the female mostly has attitude issues and a superiority complex.

The “rules don’t apply to me” moron (ican dois wateveriwantis)

You can spot this ignorant imbecile parked in fire lanes, no parking zones, and handicapped spots (without a tag). This particular species can be heard by its signature call of “I’ll only be a second” or “It’s no big deal.”

The know-it-all (assholus perfectus)

Unaware of the option to say “I don't know” this annoying species lives a mostly solitary life and is often rejected and abandoned by the rest of its herd.

The knows nothing at all (assholus idiotis)

Unaware of almost everything, this clueless character has never read a book or newspaper and mostly consumes reality TV shows starting with the word “real.” Otherwise, they’d never know it’s a reality show.

The cheap chump (nonpayeth freeloadus)

This busy beaver is typically an unexpected and uninvited guest to dinner parties and evenings out at cocktail lounges.

A cheap chump is identified by telltale behaviors such as going to the bathroom just before drink orders or conveniently forgetting to bring cash or credit cards to restaurants.

The noisy nuisance (loudus dontcarus)

Typically heard before they’re seen, these serenity killers are identified by their heavy footsteps, slamming of doors and cabinets, and louder than normal communications with pod members.

Scientists have discovered these patterns are associated with early morning and late night activities while other species are asleep.

The borrower (taketh nevergivithbackus)

This naughty neighboring species is identified by their extensive tool collection which was never purchased by them.

The opinionated ogre (myonlyus isdeonlyus)

This ignoramus has experienced extreme population growth over the past decade. You can spot this common species at dinner parties, kid’s soccer games, or bible study groups.

Research has shown this group to be fiercely combative and untrainable. They trap their prey with conversations starting with, “What’s your take on (insert controversial subject)?”

The political pain in the a**: two subspecies

This is a diverse creature with two distinct subspecies:

• The Republican rebel (magamoronus trumpisgodus)

This confused and rebellious animal is lost within its ecosystem. Often identified by large lawn signs and confederate flags, these rebellious animals have separated themselves from societal norms and the democratic process.

Another telltale characteristic of the magamoronus is its lack of a spine and its constant cowering to the alpha of the group.

This pack’s alpha male is a dangerous and deranged creature that aligns with dictator doctrine and believes elections should be held without all of the “voting” baggage associated with them.

• The Democratic doofus (confusionus messaginus)

This confused and lonely critter is seen wandering aimlessly throughout its habitat. It’s not uncommon for this doofus to risk the entire community for the sake of a few individuals.

The alpha male of this pack has sloth-like movements and confusing speech patterns. The troupe is known to exalt the alpha long past its prime, even if better suitors are available to rule.

Although this species has moral values and ethical standards, they lack unity and a pack mentality.

The greedy goblin (givameme moramora)

Not every creature of this species is alike, but the bad ones are easy to recognize. These goblins hold profit in higher regard than the human condition.

Often seen wiping their backside and lighting cigars with $100 bills, these ruthless and emotionally devoid corporate executives are happy to watch society fall into a tailspin, and the lower class suffer.

How to handle a**holes (without losing your mind)

Unfortunately, science has yet to develop an antidote for the venom spewed from these terrible creatures. However, there are steps you can take to coexist with these troublesome twits and maintain a healthy attitude.

Let go

You can’t control other people, but you can control how to interact with them. Walk away from the negativity and take solace in the fact that you’re better than they are.

Be thankful

Opinions vary, but they’re just that: an opinion. Politely agree to disagree when exposed to ideas and opinions that you don’t subscribe to. Thank the person for stating their point of view and tell them you appreciate their honesty. End the conversation on a high note.

No teaching

Refrain from attempts to teach a lesson. It’s a waste of time. The people who do things like park their cars at an angle and cut you off in traffic, or park in a loading zone know what they’re doing is wrong. They don’t care.

Going out of your way to make a point only builds frustration and anger and doesn’t affect the offender, but it will affect you.

You do you

Be yourself and don’t compromise your identity or beliefs to placate an a**hole. There’s no need for argument but stand fast and hold to who you are as a person. Your conviction is your identity.

Don’t use them

If you’re offended by a company's stance on societal and political issues, then use the products and services of their competitors. It doesn’t matter if your choice will not affect their bottom line. It will affect yours.

Chill

When the world gets chaotic and crazy, take a step back and chill out. Practice breathing exercises, take long walks, attend yoga classes or meditate. Mounting anxiety and pressure is extremely harmful to your physical and mental health.

Write

Writing is the best therapy on the planet. Placing your thoughts in a journal or online document allows the release of feelings and emotions bottled up inside you. Writing is an exercise for the brain and a couch session for the soul.

This article is an example of self-therapy. Why do you think I wrote it?

Navigating through a world filled with a**holes

Now that we’ve identified a**holes in their native environment, we can understand how to deal with them and avoid stress and anxiety.

So, what’s the next step?

The best way to promote change is through awareness: productive awareness. Constructive criticism and informed discussions are the best antidote for ignorant people.

When conversations turn into arguments, there is no winner. If you disagree with a company's position, use a competitor. If you’re dealing with a jerk at work, tell them you don’t agree with their opinions and walk away.

For the acquaintances that never buy a round of drinks or pay for dinner, stop inviting them. They’ll get the message eventually.

If someone cuts you off in traffic, put your bazooka back in your trunk, lower your middle finger, and go about your day with a smile on your face.

Why should you carry frustration, anger, and anxiety around like a dead weight while the offender feels nothing? That’s not a fair exchange.

Don’t let an a**hole get to you. Take a step back and zen. Your heart and soul will thank you for it.

If you like this story, please support me and join my free newsletter for more great content.