How To Deal With A Difficult Selfish Family Member at Christmas

Here are some ideas

There’s that one person in every family, one who thinks when he, or she sits down, the sun goes down.

The key is not to open yourself up to criticism and maintain your decorum, while exposing them, as they say, ‘sunlight is the best disinfectant.’

They usually arrive with fanfare and attention-seeking insecurity on full display.

That’s what lies beneath the family narcissist. They must put others down and pump themselves up because they have several insecurities.

Some strategies to deal with them

Far be it from me to cause unhappy families, but rather than spend your time hiding in the bathroom, or acting unsociable, missing out on everyone else. Rather than disappearing into your phone, change your mindset about how to deal with the insecure big mouth.

Be prepared

Always ensure you know what they may say before the event. Know where you are vulnerable, and make sure you have good responses. It sounds defensive, but sometimes a good defense outwits a good attack.

Think about where the conversations can go ahead of time. Also, think about them and understand their weaknesses, without getting personal, as personal attacks make you look weak and can make you seem childish, and you will end up apologizing, which is the last thing you want to do.

Minimize their opinion

Many times, these types of people target certain family members to get a reaction. If you give them a reaction, you’re playing their game.

They would have thought about what they will use to get a reaction from you, so minimize whatever they say.

Use the ‘You think that was serious? Oh boy, got another one. Wait until I tell my friends. We will all have a good laugh. I was wondering who would take the bait. You did.’ then laugh it off.

Show them that their opinion means almost nothing to you. ‘Well, that’s your opinion, and as we know opinions are like noses, we all have them.’

Use some sort of casual dismissal statement. Make sure they understand that whatever they think does not define you and that they are very clear about that. Take control and never respond emotionally. Rather, just laugh it off, no matter how much you feel like having an emotional outburst.

Let them know from your body language that they bore you, you can pretend to be distracted and find something else to distract you while you half-heartedly engage with them, this will put them on the back foot, and set the tone for the engagement.

Hitler would diminish people by asking them a question and then, while they were answering, he would move on to someone else. If anything shows disrespect, it’s that type of behavior. It may be just the thing for a narcissist, from one of the world’s greatest narcissists of history.

Remain calm, ask them to explain themselves

There is nothing more unsettling for a narcissist than realizing someone is completely comfortable with who they are and what they do, and any attempt to diminish your person or profession, etc. Will make them look emotionally stunted, which is what they are.

They don’t like others noticing that fact though, so no matter what they say laugh it off. If that doesn’t work you can ask them a direct question about something they stated or asked you.

A great idea is always to turn their questions back on them. If they ask you something, it’s usually to humiliate you, so the best is to ask them why they want to know.

‘You asked me about xxx, I was wondering why you want to know?’

This type of question opens up their underlying motivations.

Display their motives and bring them to light.

‘Why is it you like making people feel uncomfortable? Does that make you feel better about yourself? Seriously, I was just wondering?’

Let them squirm as they try to defend themselves. They may slither away like the snake that they are.

Plan who you would like to be around. Have an exit strategy

Mix with the people in the family that you get on well with rather than waste energy on loser narcissists.

Have a place or person of refuge, as it can be rather emotionally draining around people who seek to get reactions out of you.

‘Oh, sorry I need to speak to xxx, see you later.’

If you can, just stare at them and say nothing, pretend you didn’t hear what they were saying. Staring at their forehead as if there is a dot in the middle of their forehead, will cause them to feel uncomfortable and is a brilliant tactic if you have the guts to do it. ‘Oh sorry, I must have wandered off there, anyway got to go.’

Recap

Holidays and family gatherings are for you to enjoy and relax. Don’t let others destroy what little time you get to unwind.

Plan a defensive strategy ahead of time. Know your vulnerabilities and theirs too.

Understand their weaknesses and ask them about them without getting personal.

Ask them why they want to know things they ask about and laugh off anything they try to get you emotional about. Have pre-planned distractions and act half-hearted about conversing with them, so they get the message that they are not that important. This may cause them to act more important, and they may go into attack mode, which, if you remain calm, can make them look unhinged.

The key is for them to understand that their opinion does not define you, and their opinion is not important to you.

Seek those you want to be around and have an exit strategy for when you need to re-energize.