How to Deal with a Bad Breakup like a Man

Embrace the pain, heal and grow, come out stronger.

It’s going to be OK.

“I’m breaking up with you.” “Maybe we should stop seeing each other.” “I think I need some time for myself.” I don’t even remember the exact words she used. All I know is that as soon as she said them, I felt like the ground fell out from underneath my feet. My head started ringing and my whole body felt numb. Then, the tears started flowing.

Breakups can be nasty. If you’re the one who pulls the plug, you usually have ample time to prepare. You can think about what to say, how to say it, and when. You argue back and forth in your head and with your friends if you should even do it. Still, breaking up with someone you love can crush your heart.

But what if you’re on the receiving end? Damn. That’s a different story. You aren’t ready — nobody ever is. The second you realize what’s happening, you feel like you’re hit by a freight train, square in the face. The punch in the stomach follows quickly, replacing the ability to breathe with the feeling of having to throw up.

You feel confused. You don’t understand. You beg, you ask, you cry. To no avail.

But the breakup itself, that first, harsh moment in which reality hits you, is only the tip of the iceberg.

The real kicker comes when you’re dealing with the aftermath. After you’ve finally cried yourself to sleep, you wake up in the morning and the first thought your brain serves you on a silver platter is the memory of her saying “I’m breaking up with you” last night.

That’s when things get hard. You’re up for a long, drawn-out stretch of sadness, confusion, and anger. If your lives were intertwined, you’ve got a lot of untangling to do. Ugly stuff, like deciding who gets to keep what furniture and the little dog you two bought together. Even if you weren’t that close, there’s all the old messages, photos, and social media accounts to unfollow.

Look, I know how you feel. I’d love to be able to tell you something different, but life consists of good and bad phases, and if you just had your heart broken, you’re in the ditch.

Here’s some good news though. After rain comes sunshine. Once you’ve hit rock-bottom, you can only go up.

But there is no quick fix. I could give you a five-step list and promise you that you’ll be back to singing love songs and being jolly in no time, but I’d be lying. Bad breakups hurt. They hit you like a Mike Tyson uppercut and make you feel like you suffocate because life has lost its meaning. Quick fixes and diversions don’t work, they only mask the issue. When you lie in bed late at night trying to sleep and the little voice in the back of your head starts talking, you’re back to square one.

What you need instead is a healthy way to deal with the breakup. One that allows you to heal, come to terms with what happened, and come out stronger and better in the end.

You need to deal with your breakup like a man.

“Can We Get Back Together?”

I’ll address this question first because I know how you feel. I’ve been there. I’ve spent cold nights in front of closed doors, laid out rose petals, and written long, heartfelt messages. The other person is your world, and you’d do everything to get them back.

Time for some harsh truth: You’re better off without them.

Before you pull out the pitchforks, let me explain.

When you split up with someone, there’s usually a reason for it. She doesn’t love you anymore, life demands you to be in different parts of the world, the feelings are gone, someone cheated, whatever.

You two, for one reason or the other, couldn’t or didn’t want to make it work. That’s a fact. You have some characteristics or issues that make you incompatible.

Even if you had a chance of getting back together in the future, you both first need some time to work through whatever you need to work through. You’ve had your time together, and now you need some time alone.

Cut all contact. “But maybe we…” No. No maybes, no buts, no wishes. Cut all contact, unfollow on all social media, and avoid them as much as you can. If they message you, explain that you don’t want them to contact you and block them. You’re not being rude. You’re doing what’s best for yourself and making the most out of the situation you’ve been thrown into.

Once everything has been said and the die is cast, there is nothing to be gained from an interaction. Seeing them, hearing their name, or watching Snapchats of them going all-out at the club will accomplish nothing but tear up fresh wounds and mess with the healing process.

I’m not a big fan of getting back together with your exes. That said, I’ve seen it work — but only after the two split up, took a few years to live their own lives, grew, sorted out their issues, and then met up by chance again.

I’m not saying that you can’t get back together straight away. I’m saying it’s the last thing you should do.

How to Heal like an Authentic Man

As a man, you’ve been conditioned to not show weakness and to be immovable by pain. Crying after you had your heart broken? That’s what little girls in high-school movies do, right?

Yes, that’s what little girls do. And they’re a lot smarter than you.

When you experience emotional pain, it activates the same parts of your brain as physical pain does. Not only that, but emotional wounds also need a proper healing process, just like physical ones do.

If you don’t treat large physical wounds properly, they will leave nasty scars, tissue won’t heal right, and broken bones will grow together crooked.

Just like that, emotional wounds can leave their mark. If you don’t heal properly, you’ll always carry around certain issues or behavioral patterns, such as an inability to trust or fall in love again.

Healing from negative events and emotions is counterintuitive. It requires you to acknowledge, experience, and feel the pain instead of avoiding and distracting yourself from it.

Unfortunately, when men give in to their emotional pain or are overwhelmed by it, we are told to “man up” or that “real men don’t cry.” Bullshit.

Two of the defining virtues of men are strength and courage. And there are very few things stronger and more courageous than facing your pain head-on, although you know it will hurt like a bitch.

Cowards avoid their emotions. They’re too afraid of the pain and facing it. They look for distractions and tell themselves that “it isn’t that bad.”

Real, authentic men don’t suppress their emotions. They embrace, feel, and come to terms with them. They heal and come back stronger. They take time for themselves and face their pain.

It’s not only ok to feel like a bag of shit, it’s an essential part of the process. Don’t sulk. Don’t put yourself in the victim role. Don’t go on and on about how women ain’t shit or how life is unfair. That won’t move you forward at all.

Instead, look deep inside yourself and feel the pain of having lost someone you love.

Acknowledge your mistakes and wrongdoings and feel the pain of having messed up.

Experience it, give in to it, let it flow through you. Don’t resist it. The more you resist, the more suffering you create for yourself.

It will wash over you in waves — sometimes unexpected. It will come up, again and again. But every time you experience it, every time you give in to it and let it flow through you, you’ll heal and become stronger. The more you deal with your pain, the faster and better you will heal.

You can confront your hurt in different ways. Talk with a buddy. Write about it. Go out to the forest to cry, scream, or meditate. Call your mom or dad.

This will take time. You’re deep in a hole and climbing out of it is hard, but possible. Yes, you’ll feel like shit. Yes, you might lose your appetite for a few weeks. Yes, you’ll think you’ll never be happy again. But you’ll rise, heal your wounds, and life will go on.

During this time, keep unhealthy distractions to a minimum. Booze, drugs, binge-watching Netflix, or hooking up with tons of other girls will distract you and alleviate the pain. But they also keep you from healing, create addictions, and add nothing to your life long-term.

You’ll still need to take your mind of it every now and then when you feel overwhelmed. Call your buddy, go for a hike with them, renovate your house, do some exercise — whatever helps.

But never forget that to heal properly, you have to accept and experience the pain like a real, authentic man.

Breakups Are Good

“One of the best times for figuring out who you are and what you really want out of life? Right after a break-up.” — Mandy Hale

I know you won’t believe this at first, but I’m going to say it anyway.

The fact that you two broke up is a good thing.

Why? Because when two people split up, they do so because they need to grow.

That growth can be anything. Emotional maturity, getting clear about what you want in life, improving empathy, showing appreciation, getting an education, finding out who you are and who you want as a partner, or just learning how not to be a total dickhead.

You might also need to learn what you’re worth or why you settled for someone who’s below that standard and has tons of issues.

Whatever it is you need to work on — the breakup often is a wakeup call.

It’s painful, I know. But the good thing is that pain results in growth, and when this is over, you’ll come out a stronger person.

A breakup tells you that you two have some issues, and now it’s time to find out what these issues are.

Once you started to heal and are emotionally stable enough to revisit the relationship, start to reflect. Think about what you did wrong and the mistakes you made — there are lessons to be learned.

This is akin to taking up training again after you broke a bone. Revisiting the memories and reflecting on your mistakes will be painful and if you don’t pay attention, you can rip open old wounds again.

Start slowly. Work on yourself and grow, day after day, week after week. Read, write, work out, improve your social skills, get coaching, pick up a project you’ve always wanted to do. Get out of the hole and stay active.

You’re single right now and can do your own thing — make use of that time.

First, this will make you feel better about yourself and increase your self-confidence. With every little bit of time and effort you invest in yourself, you’ll feel better and perceive yourself as someone who’s worthy and valuable.

Second, it’s a healthy distraction from dwelling in the past or thinking about them too much. Your brain needs a break from the hurtful memories every now and then and working on yourself is one of the best ways to spend your time.

Third, you’ll come out a better person and human being. Life is about growth. It’s an endless climb. You’ll never make it to the top, but that’s not the point. The joy is in the climb itself.

Focus on yourself. Grow. I know it’s looking dark right now, but the sun will shine again one day. Life is awesome.

Love Yourself, Love Others

You have an inbuilt need to express love and care for others. It’s hard-wired into your brain and an essential ingredient to your happiness.

When you see a cute puppy or kitten, you want to touch and cuddle it. You want to build connections with the people around you. You want to make others feel good.

The problem is when you break up with someone, the primary object of your love isn’t there anymore, and all the underlying psychological hurt makes it hard to express your love at all. That’s why you sometimes feel like you’ll never be able to love again.

Redirect your love. If you can’t love someone else at the moment, take the affection and use it on yourself. Tell yourself that you’re a valuable human being and that things are going to be OK. Be your own best friend. Love yourself.

Then, you can extend that love to the people around you. Call your mom to say you love her, tell your friend you appreciate his support, or cuddle with a dog.

Embrace the pain and heal.

Work on yourself, grow, and come out stronger.

And finally, learn to love again.

The best breakup is the on that doesn’t happen. But how can you find out if your relationship has long-term potential? See for yourself:

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