Summary

The article outlines strategies for parents and educators to foster self-awareness and self-regulation in children through modeling, reflection, family norms, communication skills, and emotional discussions.

Abstract

The author, a high school teacher with seven years of experience, emphasizes the importance of cultivating self-awareness and self-regulation in children amidst a decline in social skills due to technology use and a lack of positive role models. The article suggests that by modeling clear communication, kindness, and personal responsibility, adults can guide children towards these values. It also recommends engaging children in self-reflection, establishing family norms that promote positive behavior, teaching the use of I-Statements for effective communication, and frequently discussing emotions with children to normalize such conversations. These practices aim to equip children with the social and emotional skills necessary for personal development and successful community integration.

Opinions

The author believes that children are capable of self-awareness and self-regulation but lack role models in these areas.
Observing a decline in face-to-face interactions and an increase in conflict among students, the author suggests that children need help to improve their social skills.
The author is confident that children can learn to communicate calmly and clearly across a range of emotions if guided properly.
Self-reflection is considered a powerful tool for personal development, and the author provides specific questions to facilitate this process with children.
Establishing family norms is seen as crucial in encouraging self-awareness and regulation, with the author's students having created norms that promote kindness and responsibility.
I-Statements are recommended as a method for children to express their feelings without blaming others, fostering assertiveness and productive communication.
The author advocates for the normalization of discussing emotions with children, despite potential resistance, to ensure they are prepared for difficult conversations in the future.

How to Cultivate Self-Awareness and Self-Regulation Skills in Your Child

I have taught high school for seven years.

During this time, I have been lucky enough to learn just as much from my students as they have from me.

They are not constructing lesson plans, or teaching content from the front of the class. Everything I have learned from them has come straight from my personal observations.

As often as I can, I observe their interactions with each other, their teachers, and their parents. I note the way they react to different types of teaching styles and feedback methods. I look for patterns in their unique personalities and search for what makes them excited about learning. All in hopes of making necessary adjustments in my classroom to be the teacher each of my students needs.

Lately, there is less to observe. Students are on their phones as often as time allows and rarely interact with each other. They look down in the hallways and while sitting at their desks. When interactions do occur, they are usually explosive, harsh, and require mediation.

Children need our help getting their social skills back on track at school and at home. I am confident that they are capable of self-awareness and self-regulation — I have had a front-row seat to their success in both.

Unfortunately, they are lacking role models in these areas. They scroll TikTok and see adults losing it at each other over a parking space or a miscommunication on the road. They observe the way the grown-ups in their lives handle conflict, whether or not they take responsibility, and if they apologize to others when necessary.

They need to see these skills in action.

Photo by Sebastián León Prado on Unsplash

Here are five ways you can start cultivating self-awareness and self-regulation in your child:

Model clear communication, kindness, and personal responsibility.

Commit to doing the work necessary to be able to communicate calmly and clearly across a wide range of emotions. Show your child that not every negative interaction or emotion needs their attention and that they can benefit from delaying their reaction when they feel strong emotions like anger, jealousy, or disappointment. As often as possible, look for moments to be kind. Include your child and talk about how it made them feel afterward. Most importantly, take responsibility for your actions. Model that mistakes happen and that the best next steps are to make amends and create a plan to be better in the future.

Guide your child in self-reflection discussions.

Self-reflection is a free, powerful personal development tool. When used correctly and consistently, this practice can assist children in building strong relationships, becoming trustworthy, and developing leadership skills. The goal is to guide them in this practice until they learn to initiate it on their own. Here are questions to encourage self-reflection:

How did you feel about your actions?

How did others react to you at that moment?

What did you do well? Why did it work?

What will you do differently next time?

Is there anything you need to take personal responsibility for?

Create family norms and expectations that encourage self-awareness and regulation.

Children will meet your expectations most of the time if they know they are supported and will not be judged or shamed for mistakes. Just as you would create a chore chart or family rules, come together to create norms that encourage kindness, personal responsibility, and appropriate social skills. In the past, my students have come up with the following class norms:

We are kind.

We are here for each other.

We take responsibility for our actions.

We do not judge others for mistakes or wrong answers.

We think before we react.

The most important thing I can do as their teacher is to model each of these norms each day. If I come up short, I apologize and discuss how I will be better next time.

Teach your child how to use an I-Statement.

An I-Statement is a way to communicate emotions and opinions without placing blame on others. I tell my students that their feelings are valid, but they must learn to express them in a way that is appropriate and productive.

I-Statement Example:

I felt disappointed when I heard you were talking about me behind my back. I assumed you would come to me if there were issues since we have been friends for so long. Why did you do that?

I-Statements are not used to encourage your child to be passive or allow others to take advantage of them. It is a skill that will build assertiveness and guide them through difficult conversations.

Talk to your child often about how they feel.

I know you are already picturing the massive eye roll your child is going to give you in response to, “So how are you feeling lately?” Even as teachers, we do not always get the best feedback when we are checking in with our students. But that’s not why we ask as often as we do. If you ask your child about their emotions and feelings often, they will know that you are comfortable having those conversations with them. They will not take you up on it every time, but eventually they will and you will be ready.

The most academically successful child will struggle if they cannot communicate clearly, empathize, or express their emotions. Our children deserve the best chance at becoming competent and socially aware members of their communities.