How to Cope with the Whispers in your Head that “You’re NOT Good Enough”

Some foolproof ways to get rid of feelings of inadequacy

Everyone goes through feelings of inadequacy from time to time, although such annoying feelings are more frequent for some of us. The fact is feeling inadequate is commonly experienced by all people, even by those we view as accomplished, gorgeous, prestigious, wise, wealthy, and perfect.

Such feelings of inadequacy can arise almost everywhere: When watching TV or reading a magazine, we feel we are out of shape or unattractive, nothing like the people in the movie or magazine. In a meeting, a conference or a classroom, we start feeling smaller and inferior to others when we realize how smarter, more eloquent and more participatory they are. At parties and in family gatherings, we see a couple who keep smiling at everyone, kissing one another every 2 or 3 minutes, dancing cheek to cheek as if they are happily married. When we hear neighbors playing with their kids in the yard enjoying their lives, and we’ve just had an argument with our children or spouse over a trivial matter, we think what a terrible parent we are. Or on the street, when we see other people driving luxury cars, while we are in a car as old as the mountains, we start feeling miserable as though we are lagging behind the whole world. The list of situations where we feel quite inadequate, substandard, belittled and not good enough can go forever.

What’s more, each of us has someone in our life who makes us feel inadequate, from parents, children, partners, or siblings to friends, colleagues, classmates or even strangers. They question our adequacy, criticize our behavior, and hold us responsible for the problems and crises, making us think that we do not measure up to our responsibilities or can’t meet certain standards.

A number of factors contribute to feelings of inadequacy, including childhood experiences, parental criticisms, mental conditions including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and posttraumatic stress. Moreover, the roles and responsibilities we assume as adults, especially when we are not well-prepared for them or the unrealistic goals we have set ourselves in these roles can perpetuate feelings of inadequacy.

Regardless of the situation and the roots of such feelings, what many of us tend to do is retreat to “a cave of loneliness”, where we start self-apprising ourselves, questioning our adequacy, and doubting our competence and achievements. Sitting in our cave of loneliness while hugging our knees, we recollect what has happened and simply buy what others have told us. And then the whispers come: “You are not good enough. Admit it, you are terrible.” What is next? The feelings get even stronger and we feel deflated amid those whispers resonating inside our head.

How to Cope

While in chronic cases, professional counseling and assistance are required, there are some ways to help us turn such feelings around and see ourselves anew.

1. Ignore the Prevailing Culture

In most situations where we feel inadequate, we are actually comparing our qualities and way of life with those of others. In fact, feelings of inadequacy are often triggered by fake standards of beauty, perfection, strength, power and wealth that others have set for us — standards that are impossible for the vast majority of people to reach. The prevailing culture in society often makes us view some people as wealthy, attractive, successful, happy, prestigious, and competent. In reality, though, only a small proportion of people can measure up to such benchmarks. Comparing this prevalent image with our perceived failings is a huge mistake most of us often make. Such comparisons tend to do far more harm than good. If we look more carefully, we can easily realize that we are either like or better than the great majority out there.

2. Trust that No one is Perfect

Everyone has their own shortcomings, and we are not the only ones feeling inadequate in this world. We may not be an eloquent speaker or a decisive manager, but we possess certain qualities and qualifications that others may lack. Everyone is made for something and we cannot find even a single soul who possesses all the attributes we deem positive and necessary to perform well in different aspects of our lives. Those people we see perfect, showing off their lives and happiness here and there, particularly on Instagram or at parties, are actually dealing with their own imperfect stuff. Their habitual show-offs and empty boasts are, in effect, a cry for attention and a search for affirmation. They are simply trying to build themselves up by showing off what is unreal.

3. Stop being a passive listener of whispers

Instead of listening to the whispers inside our head, we can use what I is referred to as ‘The Self-talk Technique”. When the whispers come, we can start talking to ourselves, highlighting the positive qualities, qualifications, and achievements we have managed to obtain. We need to block the negative ideas that are invading us and our peace since they become viral in our minds and undermine us, thus leaving us weak and vulnerable. We need to get out of our cave of loneliness and meet the whispers face-to-face. We all have things in our lives that can make us feel proud. We can shift the focus from a fixed mindset that we are not good enough to a hopeful positive one that we are NOT GOOD ENOUGH YET but have the potential, willingness and resources to improve. When doing the self-talk, we have to be careful with how we complete the sentence ‘I am ……………’ Let’s try these sentences:

I am young, talented, diligent, resilient, and positive. I am capable of achieving what I want. I may not know certain things yet, but I know what to do now.

This simple technique can make a huge difference.

4. Live by your own principles

We do not need to live up to other people’s expectations. We are fine the way we are. We should be realistic and think whether we really need some certain things and qualities that others expect us to have. We should not let ourselves be misguided or led astray by the toxic thoughts and expectations of others. Why do we have to go through a great deal of pain and hardship to change who we are in order for others to feel happy? We can never keep everyone pleased. We are different from one another. We have different levels of intelligence, adequacy and capability. It is not always us who have to change. Others can change their attitudes toward us and accept us the way we are, will they be our family members, friends, coworkers or anyone else out there.

5. Some dose of inadequacy is good, even necessary

Feeling insecure and inadequate is not always bad as long as it is not debilitating and serves as a driving force behind us, helping us to be introspective in a constructive manner. We tend to change when we feel displeased with the conditions. Monitoring ourselves and our qualifications and doing some introspection from time to time can motivate us to take actions and grow. It’s good to ponder what some of those whispers are saying and consider making some small changes to the way we live and think.

You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody. — Maya Angelou