How to Continue to Heal from a Divorce

7 tips based on my personal experience, on how to continue your healing journey from a divorce

Divorce. That seven-letter word is traumatic on many levels. A lot of people know someone who’s been through one, or they themselves have personal experience with it.

One thing that’s common across most people’s experiences is the fact that they are hurt, often on multiple aspects.

I’m recently divorced and have been wanting to share this story for the past few weeks. Couple of notes before we get into it:

• I’m not writing this from a pedestal high above, telling you to ‘follow these twenty-five tips to completely heal yourself in four weeks.’ I’m in the trenches, making my way out, and want to share the GPS coordinates of my trail with others who might find it useful.
• I’m not an expert on this. What I’m sharing is what I’ve been learning; these are unedited photographs that I’m taking while on a road trip along the road of healing, not a series of curated photos that are being displayed in the New York Museum of Modern Art.

With that being said, here are some suggestions on how to continue to heal from a divorce. (I say ‘continue to heal’, vs. ‘heal’, because you’re already healing, hard as it may be to believe it.)

1) Have faith and compassion for yourself It’s important to have both; they work together to heal and strengthen you. One way to do this is to recollect previous challenging moments in your life and how you made your way out of them. Remind yourself that did it then — hard as it seemed — and you can do it now, too.

To put this into an actual practice, spread your arms out wide open, clenching your fists and arms, and shouting out loud: “Yeah! I can do this! I’m strong and resilient!”. Say that out loud a few times and then relax your arms and hands. Bring them close to your chest, place them over your heart and say these words out loud (or silently, if you wish): “I’m with you, my beautiful self, I’m with you. We’re in this together.”

This isn’t about toxic positivity, or forcing yourself to think positive thoughts; it’s more about relighting that candle of resilience and self-love that lies within all of us and reminding us of who we truly are.

2) Cultivate Gratitude It’s very natural to focus on what’s wrong. Our brains have evolved to focus on the negative, so as to keep us safe (our minds can be like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones). But if we’re mostly focused on things that aren’t going well, we forget about what’s indeed going well: Can you read this sentence? Can you touch the computer/phone screen? Are you able to drink a glass of water? Swallow food?

Reflecting on things we take for granted and don’t often acknowledge, can give us a different perspective. Shifting our thinking for a few minutes, from things like — stuff’s so hard for me financially, physically and emotionally. I miss him/her. I hate them. I’m anxious if I’ll ever find a good-enough spouse. How do I cope with the financial aspects of this divorce? — to: I’m grateful I have a couch I’m sitting on. I’m grateful for having food in my fridge, friends and family to lean on, a job that’s keeping me financially secure — can bring in a graceful stream of healing into our minds and bodies. This doesn’t mean you deny the hardship you’re going through; it’s about shifting the focus, for a while, to the easy-ship.

3) Look in the mirror This is for situations where things aren’t black-and-white when it comes to who was ‘at fault’. If your situation involved abuse and it was obvious that your spouse was physically/mentally abusive, please skip this.

Find a time and place when you’re alone. Stand in front of a mirror and spend a few seconds looking at yourself, taking a few deep breaths (in through the nose, out through the mouth). Then ask yourself this question: “Is there anything I could’ve done differently — better — that might have changed the course of our marriage?”

This is not an easy question to ask (never mind how hard it can be to come up with answers), but I believe it’s vital for a couple of reasons:

• We often harbor bitterness and finger-pointing towards the other person (she did this; he said that; she hurt me in those ways; he was always nasty). Looking inwards — without self-judgement or criticism, just matter-of-factly — and asking ourselves what we could’ve done to be a better spouse, helps drain out some of that bitterness and resentment. We realize that there’s work for us to do, that it wasn’t always the other person who was at fault. We’re all humans, after all. Once/if we come up with some answers, reflecting upon them and making changes to address them will make us a better person, a better spouse for the next person who’ll be with us. Self-growth is a journey; it’s seldom a destination that we reach and settle down.
• Plus, if, instead of pointing fingers at the other person for days, weeks, months, what if we placed our hands on our hearts and minds and gave ourselves the compassion and evolution we deserve?

4) Take things one day at a time It’s easier said than done, but it’s vital. The more long-term we think — will I ever find someone compatible? I still love my ex; maybe after six months we’ll reconcile? How many years is it going to take to repay the settlement amount loan? — the more stress it creates and it often doesn’t lead to any productive outcome. Humans have over six-thousand thoughts a day, and in challenging times, that number can go up significantly and cause more confusion.

This doesn’t mean you don’t plan for the future; rather, it’s about acknowledging the uncertainty in your life and knowing that while you’re doing the best you can to heal, things may take their own time. There are things you can control — upon which I suggest you actively work on — and there are others that you can’t, like when’s the court trial going to be scheduled for? When will your ex reply to your email? Accepting that there are things you can’t control, gives you the power and freedom you deserve; it takes it away from the other person, and that in itself is a huge win.

When you find your mind wandering away into long-term worrying, notice it. Place your hand over your heart and say: “I know you’re hurting, my love. I know you’re trying to save us. But we are ok right now. In this moment, we are ok. I will let you know when I need your help.”

5) Find/Rekindle a new hobby I had been writing for a few years, but during the divorce process, I realized that I needed something constructive, different and new to focus my mind on. I signed up for freelance writing and have been writing most days. It gives my mind something new to focus on. It’s challenging, but in a good way. Also, the more I do it, the better I feel about myself: yes, I’m capable of taking on new things/ventures. I can start doing things that I have no experience with and continue to learn. I can start my search for a new partner (when I feel ready).

6) Make uncertainty your temporary partner You may have days/moments when you feel ambivalent about the relationship with your ex and what you want to do going forward. There may be moments when you feel like you should consider reconciling; a few moments (or a few hurtful texts) later, you might be 100% sure that you don’t want anything to do with them, ever again. Next morning, you might be confused regarding your decisions.

You might have fears about making the wrong decision: what if I say no to reconciliation and two years later, I realize we ought to have tried, but now it’s too late because she/he has already found a partner? What if I say yes to reconciling and we spend a year trying to work things out, only to realize that it’s not going to work and I’ve wasted a year of my life? Which side do I take the gamble on?

Know that you don’t know. And that’s ok. Life is full of uncertainties, and we don’t always know what’s ahead and what’s the ‘right’ decision. As much as we wish, this isn’t like looking up the weather forecast.

Also know when to set boundaries; you might decide that after X amount of time, you’re not going to invest any effort to retry and that you’ll move on. The more clarity you have on this, the quicker you’ll start to make your way out of the trenches.

And above all, acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can — in this moment — and that things will turn out the way they’re supposed to.

7) This, too, shall pass Feel anger that your ex did X to hurt you? Try reframing your thoughts/words into something like: “In this moment, I feel angry”, vs. “I’m angry”. Same for emotions like grief, sadness, hatred, anxiety. This moment is all you have. Sure, this doesn’t mean that your anger will go away tomorrow forever, but reminding yourself that your emotions and feelings change — like clouds passing over — and that this, too, shall pass, will help you manage this moment better. After all, what is life, but one moment following another?

If you connected with this story and would like to support my writing, please click here to become a member. Your membership sustains thousands of writers and helps us all grow as a community. Thank you!