YOU’RE NO MARCIA BRADY
How to Compliment People Without Insulting Them
Marcia Marcia Marcia!
Have you ever noticed not all compliments are created equal? Sometimes, when you tell someone they look like someone else, they flinch. Remember how sad Jan Brady was when someone told her she was a dead ringer for her homely aunt? It flatlined her already fragile self-esteem.
When Jan Brady found out her not-gorgeous aunt lived an exciting life, she was moderately appeased. Her real dream was to look like Marcia, even after Marcia got hit by the errant football. We are a culture obsessed with appearance. Ever heard someone beautiful described as winning the DNA lottery? Gross.
Here are some tips on not being offensive when you’re trying to pay a compliment:
When talking to single people(or unhindered people)
- Don’t say, “Oh my god! How are you still single?” Maybe they want to be. Maybe they’re crazy. None of your business.
- It also means, “You must have an expiration date on being appealing.”
- “What’s wrong with you? You can tell me. I’m in a relationship. I know stuff.”
When talking about someone else’s baby
- All babies are cute. The end.
- You are not a cute baby expert, so it doesn’t matter what you think.
- Some people act like they need to be honest about how cute other people’s babies are — they’re the cute baby police. Are there actually cute baby police? Sounds like a terrible show on TMZ.
- I’ve heard people say, “Whenever I see a baby, who’s clearly not attractive, I don’t say, ‘What a cute baby.’ I say, ‘Now that’s a baby. Don’t you think that’s a good way to avoid the topic of cute?”
- Would it kill you to say, “Cute baby?” No, really, would the earth suck you up and vomit you into a volcano if you lied about your feelings about a baby’s attractiveness. Why does it matter to you if you tell the truth?
When meeting other people’s relatives
- Don’t act shocked if you meet someone with better-looking family members. Again, who cares what you think about other people's looks.
- No need to spit out your water and say, “That’s your cousin? Are you sure you’re related?”
- No need to say, “I guess we come in all shapes and sizes”
- Please refrain from saying, “Wow. You guys look nothing alike” when the relative looks like they belong on the cover of Vogue.
When talking to girls who look like their fathers or boys who look like their mothers
- Gender and looks are complicated, so let people define themselves unless they hired you to define them.
- A thirteen-year-old girl does not want to be told she looks exactly like her father. I don’t care if her father’s Robert De Niro. Especially is her dad is De Niro. Tell her something nice about her personality. You can’t think of anything? Then keep your trap shut.
- A thirteen-year-old boy doesn’t want to be told he looks exactly like his mom. Maybe a few do, but not as a rule. Maybe on Halloween if he is wearing twin costumes with his mom.
- Sometimes people aren’t living with their birth family so mentioning family resemblances can be extremely insensitive and tone-deaf. Know your audience.
Our culture is obsessed with looks. We think looks are the most valuable thing about people. I am always turned off when someone describes a friend through their appearance as if their appearance should matter to me. Am I supposed to be attracted to their friend? Are they a pimp?
I live in this world so I fail in this area too, but I’d like to do better. The other night I attended a gender workshop on how to be a better ally to kids about gender.
One of the tasks doled out to us was, “Describe what you are doing this weekend without mentioning gender.” It was hard, but not impossible. All we had to do was pause and think about our words. Try it.
I see the same problem and challenge with our obsession with appearance. How would we describe people if we did not do it through their looks? Can we? Of course we can. We may end up realizing we are more valuable than our hair color, body type, and facial features.
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