Work

How to Complain AND Look Good at the Same Time

Turn your whines into wins.

Does complaining give you a buzz?

Think about it: Does your energy level rise? Your voice get louder? Your body ooze annoyance and outrage?

Do your cheeks flush with righteous indignation as you gripe about your: a)co-worker b)boss c)romantic partner d)friend e)family member f)anyone holding an opposing opinion

If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions you might want to think about your relationship with negative energy. We generate negative energy when we use our vitality, focus, and emotions to dwell on what’s wrong in our lives, rather than concentrating on how we can crack the door on life’s possibilities.

Everyone deals with difficulties and frustrations.

You’d have to be a saint not to complain on occasion.

But some people elevate grumbling to an art form. Whether they realize it or not, they’re burning their potential on a pyre of dissatisfaction and perceived limitations.

“If you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out… Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”

— Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

As a manager, I’ve listened to a lot of employee beefs. In time, I discovered a way to assess if an issue was going to be resolved easily — or not.

How? I observed the complaining party’s reaction when I steered the conversation toward problem-solving. For some people, solving the problem is spoiling the fun. They resist discussing solutions. Instead, they keep repeating and savoring their grievance.

They’re the people at the meeting pointing out exactly why the idea under discussion won’t work:

— they’ve seen it fail before — heard about it failing before — or they insist something like that will never fly

What they don’t do is offer an alternate plan.

Embracing solutions, rather than problems, is a habit

And, like any habit, it can be cultivated.

Tip: if you raise a problem — at work, at home, anywhere — think about potential solutions to the problem. Present your suggestions at the same time you raise the problem.

You’ll soon get noticed for your positivity and future focus.

I know: Sometimes there are no solutions. If that’s the case, you have to make peace with the situation or make exit plans. Continuing to rail against the problem will only wear you down further, along with the people who are stuck on the negativity train with you.

But what about venting? I hear you ask

If you challenge someone about their negative tendencies they may respond, “Oh, I just need to vent.”

There are times when we need to discuss a situation to understand it better and to hear another perspective on our predicament. Talking over a difficult problem can help us separate emotions from facts. It’s also a good way to decide, if appropriate, on an action plan.

Venting goes toxic when we get stuck mid-vent.

We discuss the issue, layer on all the supporting background information, express our frustration, and then do it all over again and again.

The effect of emotional venting is to sustain an unsatisfactory status quo. Most people think the opposite, that complaining is part of an effort to change an unsatisfying situation. Nope. Complaining lets off pressure so that we neither explode with frustration nor feel compelled to take the risky steps of openly opposing a difficult person or situation. Keeping emotional pressure tolerably low doesn’t change problematic circumstances but rather perpetuates them.

— Martha Beck

Letting off steam may lower your frustration level, but it reduces the likelihood you’ll deal with your problem head-on

Example: You’re upset with a co-worker

What NOT to do: — create drama by badmouthing your colleague to other co-workers — complain incessantly to family members or friends — be awkward or uncooperative when working with your colleague, creating tension for all caught in the negative ripples — complain to your manager but resist suggestions to explain your concerns to your co-worker

What to do: — Attempt to clear up the situation by speaking to your colleague in a non-confrontational way Usually, she will appreciate a chance to defend herself before being ratted out to a manager. — If you feel uncomfortable tackling the situation head-on ask your manager to sit in as a mediator

Awkward confrontation superpower: listen and act respectfully.

Provide concrete examples: if certain behaviors or actions are at issue, have dates, times, and specific examples. You will lose credibility if your complaints are vague, unsupported, and easily denied.

The discussion should be calm and factual.

Don’t go negative: assume people want to be good performers and good co-workers. Most people do.

Many workplace frictions are caused by: — misunderstandings — miscommunication — expectations that aren’t spelled out — people who don’t like each other. If this is the source of the problem, remember you are an adult getting paid to do a job. It’s not essential to like someone to work with that person

Most of the time, a simple sit down will clear the air. Oftentimes, people are unaware their actions are a source of frustration. And, along with handling the situation, you’ll earn respect for having the guts to be forthright.

Occasionally, a discussion may open a Pandora’s box. If that happens, it will take longer to sort through the issues. However, all of the above points still apply.

Bravery is the choice to show up and listen to another person, be it a loved one or perceived foe, even when it is uncomfortable, painful, or the last thing you want to do.

— Alaric Hutchinson

Life is a problem-solving obstacle course. As soon as we deal with one issue, another one pops up.

However, all dilemmas are not created equal. Tip: on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being Insignificant and 10 being Extremely Significant, rate what’s bothering you.

Example: needing a job is a 10. Dealing with a rude store cashier is a 2.

If you burn yourself up on trivial issues you won’t have the juice for life’s big-number items.

Tackle situations directly and diplomatically. Always think about solutions. Save your emotional energy for your career, close relationships, and whatever makes you feel life is worth living.

Like death and taxes, problems are a certainty. How you handle them will determine the course of your life.