How to Change Your Life to Be Happy: Start Noticing Your Reactions

Empower yourself by making intentional choices

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Two simple lines with the potential to change our lives. These lines are often attributed to Viktor Frankl, an Austrian neurologist, and Holocaust survivor. A variation of it is can be found in psychologist Rollo May’s behavioral science article, Freedom and Responsibility Re-Examined.

Today we’ll look at how we can take the opportunity to use that space between something happening and our reaction to it — so we can grow and find freedom. So we can be happy. We’ll:

• Look at 3 common situations and analyze the impact of our responses
• Gain perspective that can help us prioritize our life priorities
• Explore how awareness can help us change our reactions
• Delve into how purpose and awareness can empower us
• Discover more wonderful ways to help us respond in ways that align with our purpose and principles

3 Common situations and why we react the way we do

Think of our usual response to these situations: A driver who cuts you off without signaling. A condescending boss who takes credit for your work. A friend who only calls when she needs something.

These are stimuli. An event or situation. What might our reactions be? To swear at the driver and speed up behind them, giving him the finger. To bad-mouth the boss to colleagues behind her back. To whinge about your friend to other friends.

Why do we react this way?

These events drive certain feelings in us. In the car, perhaps we feel we’ve been done an injustice. That driver was disrespecting us. We may have felt shocked and surprised. Afraid of what might have happened if we’d crashed into the other car. So we overreact from anger.

We may have worked hard to get a project over the line and feel taken advantage of by our boss. We feel devalued. Our efforts unrecognized. We feel angry, frustrated, and demotivated.

We might feel we’re not valued by our friend. Used. Betrayed. Worthless.

What’s the problem with these responses?

We’re creating more negativity in our lives — there’s already an avalanche of negativity in the media, do we really need any more of it? We also risk nurturing a victim mentality that leaves us helpless and disempowered. We might fall into a habit of blaming and shaming other people for the unhappiness in our lives.

What really matters in your life?

It’s hard to answer that question in the busyness of our daily lives. It often takes a lifetime to figure that out — if we have the luxury of a lifetime.

Wouldn’t it be helpful if we knew what we need to treasure now, so we’d stop wasting our time, emotions, and energy on what doesn’t matter? Instead, we could focus on what will bring us joy and fulfillment.

Well, an Aussie palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware decided to run a project, regrets of the dying. What she discovered can give us valuable perspective and put reflect on our priorities.

Ware spoke to people in the last 12 days of their lives. She asked them what they most regret in their lives. What would they do differently?

The top 5 regrets were these:

1. I never pursued my dreams and aspirations. 2. I worked too much and never made time for my family. 3. I should have made more time for my friends. 4. I should have said ‘I love you’ a lot more. 5. I should have spoken my mind instead of holding back and resenting things.

You might notice these are inaction regrets. An American regrets study also found inaction regrets lasted longer than action regrets. And in the longest-running study on happiness ever done, Robert Waldinger and his team tracked the lives of 74 men throughout their lives and discovered quality relationships have a huge impact on our health.

These are along similar lines to the research insights about making time for family and friends.

Knowing this, what can we do to focus on what matters?

By reflecting on our response to the situations in our lives. And consciously making choices that take us toward our ultimate priorities.

Awareness can help us change our responses

Have you noticed sometimes there doesn’t seem to be any space between stimulus and response? We react immediately. And the more we react a certain way, the stronger our habitual reaction, the more we think “This is how I am”. We fix our thinking and straightjacket ourselves.

Well, awareness can help us notice that space — so we can press the pause button and decide what we want to happen in the next scene.

In time, the more aware we are of the space between stimulus and response, the faster we can react in a way that aligns with our purpose.

Purpose and awareness empowers us

Have you ever felt a time when years have gone by and you wonder where they went? You wonder why you aren’t happy? Why you’re in a career you hate — or a relationship that’s dragged your self-esteem down? Why you’re not more ahead than where you thought you’d be?

Many of us do. It happens many times — particularly mid-life.

Purpose and awareness of that space between stimulus and response puts us in the driver’s seat instead of feeling helpless at the back.

Purpose and awareness empower us to direct our thoughts, rather than letting them ‘happen’ to us and believing they’re the truth. These help us challenge our beliefs, and drive us to alternative actions — gifting us with growth and freedom.

We can empower ourselves to change what we thought couldn’t possibly be changed. One of the most fascinating and encouraging discoveries is that our brains can physically rewire — a process known as neuroplasticity.

Wonderful ways to be aware of the space between stimulus and response

Define your life principles

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, Stephen Covey emphasizes that principles are ingrained in each of us. When we define them, we give ourselves a guide that can help us figure out how to react.

For instance, say one of your principles is to be empathetic. When a driver cuts you off without signaling, instead of immediately getting angry, you could think, “I’ve done that before by accident, perhaps it was an accident. And if it wasn’t, perhaps this person is really dying to go to the bathroom — or needs to visit his sick mum”.

If you decide family is a priority for you, this seemingly little incident and your reaction can affect the mood you bring home to your partner and kids. That could affect your partner’s openness to share a concern, or how much your child thinks you love her — when you bring joy and your full presence home to them.

Choose thoughts carefully

Psychologist Daniel Amen reassures us we can change our thoughts, and this can physically change our brains. In his book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life Amen shares a useful process: watch your thoughts, notice how different thoughts make you feel, then choose which thoughts to focus on.

He reminds us that our thoughts don’t automatically become our truth. We can choose whether we focus on positive or negative thoughts. And in choosing our thoughts, we can change our lives — our thoughts are linked to our beliefs and our actions.

With the condescending boss who takes credit for your work: Perhaps instead of getting angry and bad-mouthing her to your team which only gets you more worked up — if your principle is empathy, you could practice that here. Maybe she’s feeling insecure about her skills and needs to show the executive team she’s the right person for this job. Perhaps she’s been bullied and is sick of feeling like the victim, so thrives on the power trip she needs to feel good about herself.

How would it feel to treat her with kindness rather than hostility? How would it feel to take action that directly addressed the issue — rather than ignoring it while seething in anger? If the organization itself has a shame-driven culture, how would it feel to make the decision to move on?

You might be intentionally focusing on pursuing your dreams and aspirations — if this situation can’t be resolved, it may be the drive you need to change roles, jump to another company, switch careers, or start a new business.

Choose which thoughts you want to focus on and reinforce those thoughts with actions to create the life you want.

Know you’re worthy of love and belonging

Researcher Brene Brown has spent more than 2 decades interviewing hundreds of people about courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.

In her book Daring Greatly, she shares that what separated people who felt a deep sense of love and belonging — was the belief in their worthiness.

People who felt worthy of love practiced mindfulness, gratitude, set clear boundaries, and knew what was important to them. They treated others with respect, kindness, and empathy. They included, rather than excluded. They were confident without needing to put others down.

If your friend only calls when she needs something: Instead of thinking “I’m not important” and getting hurt and angry, write a list of all the wonderful qualities about yourself. Ask someone you love to help you if you have trouble. Know that your worth as a person isn’t dependent on anything or anyone external. With that in mind, put the situation in perspective.

Perhaps your intention is to surround yourself with a circle of friends who appreciate you, and respect you — and vice versa. That can help direct your thoughts in this situation.

How often do you call all your friends? Perhaps you realize there are only a handful of friends you call often. Maybe you’re outside that person’s small circle, although that person might be in yours. Perhaps that person isn’t used to calling people just to say hi. You could confront them about it. Or perhaps cut them off rather than continue with a 1-way friendship.

Empower yourself

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled. To be the best version of yourself you can. Define your purpose and your guiding life principles. Find awareness. Choose your thoughts and take actions that empower you to live your best life.

You are enough and always have been.