How to Change Unhelpful Thinking Styles for More Peace of Mind

Don’t engage in black and white thinking.

According to psychologist Ellen Langer, “When people are not in the moment, they’re not there to know that they’re not there.” Because we tend to be on auto-pilot mode in life, we rarely notice our own perceptions and how this can affect our emotions.

These individuals are often left wondering what is creating mental distress for them. Psychiatrist Aaron Beck, the father of cognitive behavioural therapy believes that negative, automatic thoughts and errors in logic cause individuals to become anxious and depressed.

Yes, this may occur in more extreme cases, but even every day automatic cognitive distortions can result in our behaviour and emotions becoming maladaptive. For example, getting a low grade in a science test might result in you thinking that you’re hopeless at science or having a negative experience in a relationship may make you afraid that all relationships will be bad.

The greatest challenge is noticing these unhelpful thoughts and then changing them. However, research has shown that individuals engaging with metacognitive therapy, which involves identifying cognitive distortions, challenging them and creating more positive thoughts reduces depression.

There are common thinking styles that we can be guilty of but not addressing them is the issue. If we notice them, we can take action against these thinking patterns. Here are three common unhelpful thinking styles and how you can change them to reduce mental distress.

1. Past Memories Create Present Distress

“The only real treasure is in your head. Memories are better than diamonds and nobody can steal them from you.” — Rodman Philbrick

Our memories can be our ally but at the same time, they can be our enemy. This thinking style occurs when current situations trigger memories from the past that were upsetting. This makes you think more deeply about particular difficulties which can make you think that danger or risk is currently present, creating mental distress.

Research published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology found that rumination of memories that focus on our mistakes, problems and hardships is linked with depression, anxiety and stress.

For example, if you’re about to deliver a presentation, you may think that because your previous one didn’t go so well, the one you’re about to do is going to go poorly. This can lead to you thinking more about what went wrong, which affects your mindset. This is a very common thinking style I see in my work. People are always looking to compare their current situation with a past event. Why?

As humans, we are always looking for patterns, even if there isn’t one. So, if something bad has happened in the past and we are in a similar situation now, it’s a natural reaction to say to ourselves that because it’s happened before, it will happen again. Instead, know that the memory is ancient and now is your chance to create a new, improved, positive memory. As Thomas S. Monson said:

“The past is behind, learn from it. The future is ahead, prepare for it. The present is here, live it.”

How to change it:

1. Acknowledge that this memory is just a reminder of the past — this memory is not actually happening right now.
2. Say simple phrases to yourself — “Now is the time to create a positive memory,” “The negative memory is just a thought,” “I am in control and I will not let this past memory affect me.” These phrases will help you identify that it’s just a memory and it will not affect you now.
3. Come up with phrases of your own that you will relate too — I’ve provided you with some above but they may not work for you. Think about your own personality, beliefs and thoughts to help create phrases for you.

For example, I believe that we are in control of events around us, so saying to myself that I am in control right now and I can choose to let this memory affect me or I can choose to push on and create a positive memory helps me massively. For some, you may have a strong belief in God so saying a small prayer to yourself may help you best.

2. Creating Negative Mountains and Positive Molehills

“The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.” — Al Neuharth

The biggest element of any thinking style is your perspective. We can often get caught in a style of thinking where we exaggerate the danger or negatives — known as creating mountains. And, we minimise the positives or become pessimistic — known as creating molehills.

I still get caught up in this thinking style, even though within my work, as an assistant psychologist, I try to empower people to move away from this thinking pattern. Even now, when my writing gets rejected, I automatically start exaggerating these rejections to the point where I’m thinking, “My writing is no good. I’m never going to progress.”

When I stop and think for a moment, I’m forgetting the fact that I’ve been fortunate enough to publish for six other publications, consistently, all within my niche. That’s not down to luck. I’ve been able to develop my writing and improve with each story. For me, that is a massive achievement but it’s so easy to forget this when I get that rejection.

Studies within this area have shown that being optimistic and specifically focusing on events that have gone really well in personal and work life reduces stress, depression and other physical complaints. It’s evident that changing your perspective and creating ‘positive mountains’ is a priceless thinking style that can improve your mental well-being.

How to change it:

There are a few questions to ask yourself to help break down this thinking style. How would someone else view the situation? What would you tell someone else in the same situation? and What’s the bigger picture?

The first two questions are so crucial. We often give amazing advice to others and help them create positive mountains from positive moments. But, for ourselves, we are so pessimistic. So, put yourself in another person’s shoes and view the situation from their perspective instead.

Research has also shown that identifying why events in life are positive can help change this unhelpful thinking style because it encourages people to reflect more on positive memories. So, try to look at why a particular situation was positive.

3. Engaging In Black and White Thinking

“I think if you live in a black-and-white world, you’re gonna suffer a lot. I used to be like that. But I don’t believe that anymore.” — Bradley Cooper

Black and white thinking is the belief that someone or something is right or wrong, rather than seeing the slight shades of grey or that someone or something can have elements of both good and bad.

Evidence published in the Journal of Clinical Psychological Science found that words frequently used in black and white thinking, such as ‘always’, ‘entirely’ and ‘totally’, were consistently mentioned in anxiety and depression forums. This research indicates that engaging in black and white thinking and using these phrases is associated with mental distress and worry.

For example, if you’re looking to make the first team in football, if you engage in this type of thinking, you might say, “I’m either going to make the first team today or if I don’t, I’m not going to play again.” There’s either a really good outcome or a very negative outcome.

I used to do this a lot with people. I still remember this one person who made the worst first impression and from that day I thought they were always a terrible person — it sounds harsh I know, but I couldn’t help it. Anytime I heard something bad about this person, I was like, “Yeah, I’d expect nothing else. They always do that.” In reality, this caused a lot of distress because this person was always there due to a mutual friendship group but every time I saw them it would annoy me.

Thinking about it now, if I decided to see some of the good things they had done, such as helping some of my friends out, it wouldn’t have created this distress. You need to know that there are positives and negatives in all situations. It’s certainly not black or white.

How to change it:

1. Catch yourself engaging in this type of thinking — Notice yourself using ‘absolute’ words such as always, every, never, totally, entirely etc. These are words that indicate all-or-nothing type thinking.
2. Make a note of the black or white thought — write it down, put it on your phone or even make a mental note. The best option is to write it down, so you’re physically removing it from your mind.
3. Challenge the thought — what is the evidence for you to have this all or nothing thought? Often, there is no evidence, we just create it ourselves.
4. Ask yourself, what is the flip-side? If you’re thought was negative, list a positive next to it or what you can learn from it. If it was positive, think of what can be improved.This will get you in the frame of mind of noticing that everything isn’t good or bad. Instead, we can find the ‘shades of grey’ in all situations.

For example:

If you gave a poor presentation at work, you might catch yourself by noticing yourself saying phrases such as, “I always mess the performance up!” Then, make a note on a piece of paper of this thought. You might challenge the thought by saying, “I’ve given good presentations before, I just didn’t practice it enough, like in my previous presentations.” Finally, the flip-side is that there is definitely a positive to take away. The prep work and research were amazing, it’s just the delivery wasn’t on point.

With all of these thinking patterns, you’re not trying to stop this thinking style from occurring. It can be very automatic and can happen naturally. You simply need to notice them and ‘catch’ that you are thinking this way. Then, you can make the change. Once these changes are made, you will notice a decrease in these thinking styles.

Final Thoughts

We often engage in negative thinking styles that can cause a lot of mental distress, yet we aren’t prepared to change them. We tend to carry on with life and not realise the damaging effects that these thinking styles can have on our happiness.

Changing these three thinking patterns can have lasting impacts on your mental well-being:

1. Past memories leading to present distress: Know that those bad memories do not mean the danger will occur in the current situation.
2. Creating negative mountains and positive molehills: Instead, create mountains out of your positive moments, rather than exaggerating the negatives.
3. Engaging in black and white thinking: Instead of seeing everything as either good or bad, identify the shades of grey.

Finally, remember to ‘catch’ the negative thought first. Once you notice it, it will be much easier to make a change to these unhelpful thinking styles. As Marcus Aurelius said:

“You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.”

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