How to Calm Your Critical Mind

And why it’s better if you do

How often do you engage in criticism, judgment, and opinions about others? Fess up!

I bet it’s often because that’s what we learned when we grew up, at least most of us.

We live in a competitive culture. So, it may seem the norm to find fault with others, discuss their shortcomings behind their backs or even to their face, and believe, with complete conviction, they should change.

Even if you consider yourself a good person, even if you are a good person, unless you train your mind to do otherwise, it probably goes into judgmental mode many times throughout the day.

But does it help you in any way? Have you ever considered how a critical mind might actually harm you?

Break Out of the Criticism Game

Recently, I came across the following pithy advice on the topic of criticism from the Buddhist teacher Penor Rinpoche (1932–2009) — relevant for everyone, I feel.

In essence, Penor Rinpoche says to look at your own faults instead of pointing out the faults of others.

That might sound Goody Two-shoes at first take. But, if you know that mind is the creator of happiness and the creator of suffering, you’ll see that criticism, judgment, and tittle-tattle only keeps you in a negative loop and off the happiness track.

Let’s take a look at Penor Rinpoche’s advice, first as a whole and then piece by piece. Penor Rinpoche says:

“It’s very important to keep examining your mind at all times and be aware of what occurs in it. We have this habit of criticizing others; we are very good at pointing out their faults, but we have a hard time being aware of our own flaws. Examining the faults of others will not benefit anyone and only leads to more disturbing emotions, blocking our path to liberation. Whatever anyone else does, let them do it. It’s not your business to find other people’s flaws, and even if you do point them out, there is no way for you to correct them. On the other hand, it is very important to watch your own mind and train in subduing and reducing your own disturbing emotions. Analyze your mind, constantly watch your thoughts, recognizing whether they are positive or negative, and become aware of your faults. If you constantly observe yourself and analyze your thoughts, you will eventually be able to tame your mind. Since we haven’t been able to purify our karmic and emotional obscurations, our gross disturbing emotions can come up anytime, and whenever these emotions come up, we should apply the antidote by looking into our mind and trying to understand that all phenomena are emptiness. If you leave your mind in a relaxed state without contriving anything, disturbing emotions will cease.” — from Ocean of Blessings, Heart Teachings of Drubwang Penor Rinpoche, p.49

Does this advice resonate for you?

At first glance, what fits, what feels hard? Does any part feel untrue?

Criticizing Others Hurts You Too

Now, let’s look at Penor Rinpoche’s advice step-by-step.

He starts by saying:

“It’s very important to keep examining your mind at all times and be aware of what occurs in it.”

Most people don’t pay attention to what goes on in their mind. They just let it roll. They might even believe it’s out of their control.

Then, they wonder why they’re not happy.

But if you indulge in negative thought patterns or unruly emotions without restraint, happiness will drift further and further away. To find a more lasting peace of mind, you need to be self-aware, and make a commitment to work with your thoughts and emotions instead of letting them rule you.

Of course, you won’t be able to be aware of your thoughts and emotions “at all times.” That’s a lofty aspiration. A worthy goal to aim for, but it takes practice to stay in the now, aware of what passes through your mind and heart.

Just do the best you can. Never be hard on yourself when you find yourself lost in thought, miles away. Just bring your mind back to the present moment.

“We have this habit of criticizing others; we are very good at pointing out their faults, but we have a hard time being aware of our own flaws.”

In a sense, if you always focus on others, you’re protected from facing yourself — your flaws, shadow sides, and unhealthy emotional patterns.

I know, it can be scary to face yourself. But, you need to know and work with the painful stuff if you want to heal and grow.

You can begin by facing your smaller faults. Once you’ve had some success turning them around, move on to bigger ones.

Pay attention to what’s going on in your own mind and heart instead of focusing too much on the faults of others. It will help you grow.

“Examining the faults of others will not benefit anyone and only leads to more disturbing emotions, blocking our path to liberation.”

What kinds of emotions arise when you focus on the faults of others? Do those emotions make you feel good? Think of examples from your own life.

You might feel self-righteous or smug. That might feel good momentarily, but those kinds of emotions don’t generally lead to real happiness. On the other hand, you might feel frustrated or angry. Why doesn’t this person listen to your wise advice?

As Penor Rinpoche points out, examining the faults of others usually stirs up more disturbing emotions. That only reinforces your propensity to repeat those same unfulfilling emotional patterns in the future. That’s a basic tenet of Buddhism that’s been proven by neuroscience as well in its findings on the neuroplasticity of the brain.

On the positive side, due to neuroplasticity, we can turn around a tendency to be critical of others. That will naturally make us happier too.

“Whatever anyone else does, let them do it. It’s not your business to find other people’s flaws, and even if you do point them out, there is no way for you to correct them.”

That doesn’t mean you should allow people to harm you or anyone else.

Buddhist teachers, especially traditional ones, can sometimes sound black and white. They don’t always understand the way Westerners take things literally and tend to self-flagellate.

The point is to stop giving away the bulk of your attention and energy to the foibles of others. You need your attention and energy to focus on transforming your own emotional patterns. You can’t correct, fix, or heal anyone else.

Most people don’t want unsolicited advice. If they feel criticized, they tend to retract, not grow. If you dish it out often, they may pull away from you permanently. Only give feedback if it’s solicited.

Let people heal themselves, in their own way, and in their own time.

Be a support, listen, offer your love. That’s how you can help. But, refrain from finding fault and expressing outright criticism.

“On the other hand, it is very important to watch your own mind and train in subduing and reducing your own disturbing emotions. Analyze your mind, constantly watch your thoughts, recognizing whether they are positive or negative, and become aware of your faults. If you constantly observe yourself and analyze your thoughts, you will eventually be able to tame your mind.”

Turn your attention within. Happiness comes from learning to reduce your own disturbing emotions.

That doesn’t mean denying or repressing them. Instead learn to feel your emotions in your body, with an attitude of self-kindness and a more spaciousness view. Let them naturally dissolve on their own.

Again, Penor Rinpoche isn’t telling you to indulge your inner critic, become obsessive about your faults, or to get down on yourself. Bring self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-acceptance to any exploration of your own flaws. That way, you’ll grow instead of contracting further into yourself.

If you commit to working with your own mind — with your own thoughts and emotions — you’ll be able to tame your reactions and over time, fewer disturbing emotions will arise. So, of course you’ll be happier.

As you find more and more emotional freedom, you’ll become a light for others. You’ll positively impact others simply through your being.

“Since we haven’t been able to purify our karmic and emotional obscurations, our gross disturbing emotions can come up anytime, and whenever these emotions come up, we should apply the antidote by looking into our mind and trying to understand that all phenomena are emptiness.”

Because we’ve planted and watered the seeds of suffering through repetitive behaviors in the past, we’re prone to repeat the same self-defeating patterns again and again. As a result, our emotional propensities can manifest unexpectedly, in any moment, when a particular trigger appears.

It’s not enough to practice self-awareness for a week or a month. Even if you do well for a while, chances are, when certain causes and conditions come together, you’ll get triggered once again.

You need to make a strong commitment to the practice of mindful self-awareness and engage in it every day.

It might take a lifetime to perfect mindful self-awareness. But, don’t let that discourage you.

As soon as you commit to self-awareness, you’ll see positive result. You’ll begin to catch your reactions faster. That naturally feels rewarding. Gradually, you’ll be triggered less and less.

Applying the antidote of emptiness is an advanced practice. I won’t go into it here aside from saying it doesn’t mean “nothingness,” and sharing this Tibetan definition of emptiness that captures the meaning perfectly:

“Free from permanence and non-existence”

And consider this, the fact that you can change your response proves that it’s not permanent. It’s not you. It’s just transitory thoughts and emotions.

Whenever negative emotions arise, remember they’re not the real you.

“If you leave your mind in a relaxed state without contriving anything, disturbing emotions will cease.”

This is the power of mindfulness. Although the practice of mindfulness is not enough on its own to make disturbing emotions cease on the long term, it will definitely bring you more inner peace.

Instead of creating one thought after the other, you can learn to relax your mind and allow thoughts and emotions to pass by like trains at a train station. They might stop for a moment, but they won’t linger too long. The trick is to remain aware and relaxed at the same time, without adding more cars to the train.

Decide to Stop Finding Faults In Others Now

I found this advice so powerful, I placed it in a Commonplace book as my first entry. A Commonplace book is a way to collect knowledge in one place so it’s easier to remember.

Because, I don’t want to forget this quote. I plan to revisit it many times. It’s easy to be inspired by a piece of advice like this, but to change your life for the better, you have to remember it and put it into practice every day.

How do you want to be in a year? Five years? Ten years?

If you just let your mind run wild with criticism, judgments, and opinions in about others, you’ll pretty much be the same.

Take this moment now to decide to stop criticizing others and work with your own mind and heart instead.

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