How to Calm The Ego When Life Takes Us Backwards
Life isn’t linear, backwards and sideways are sometimes needed to move forward.
I know life isn’t linear. I don’t expect it to be. But nor did I expect my own chart of growth to resemble the patterns of a spider, dipped in ink, break dancing on a piece of paper.
Recently I have overcome one of the most ferocious battles we are all likely to face in our lives. A battle with the ego.
The ego has many different guises. I like to think of it as the way in which we view ourselves. Whilst, I have never considered myself as egotistical. I recognize past patterns of my lifestyle have played to my ego and fed into my own inflamed perception of myself.
If we remove our spine does our body blob to the ground?
But what happens when all this falls away? What happens when we take away everything which was once the spine of our life? What happens when we can no longer introduce ourselves as a business owner, crime-fighting and life-saving detective, a chairperson of a successful community, and a social convener?
What happens when we take a career break, sunset our business, stand down from our community duties and move to another country, with no friends in sight? By this very action, we strip away all the external factors which once fuelled our sense of self. Oh yeah, and we do all this in the middle of a global pandemic.
Well, for one thing, we are still the same person. But we feel alien. This new sense of nakedness brings inner spasms of discomfort and worthlessness. A withdrawal process from a previous life.
Hi, my name is Ali and at the age of 39, I stripped my life bare.
I Am Exposed
It took time to reevaluate my sense of self, who I was, and perhaps most importantly, who I wanted to be.
I can no longer captivate strangers with a grand introduction of the excitement of my life. I can no longer meet curious questions with an impressive justification of my role as a very “important” and “worthy” human being.
So who is this body I control? Who is this mind I commandeer? Well, I may not have all my old roles to rely on, but I am still kind. I still have a curious mind and a strong heart. I still have a silly sense of humor, a love for animals, and a strong sense of justice. I still speak up for the voiceless. I still call out sexism and racism and all the horrible isms there are out there.
I am still me.
The position I find myself in is bursting with privilege and opportunity. I have a golden egg to change the course of my life. I can pivot. I can look into my soul and overhaul things or make small tweaks. My choice is empowering. Either way, change is on the breeze. I have shed my skin like a snake, but it still takes time for the new skin to adapt.
New Growth
I enroll for a diploma in a topic I am interested in. I create an online community to help other childfree by choice people feel seen. And my writing wings start to grow. Fate plays a hand in many job application rejections. And I find myself applying for a role I could have done when I was 16 years old. I remind myself I don’t need this job, I have choices and options and if I struggle with it, I can leave.
And herein lies the biggest challenge. The job itself is not difficult and I am not too good to do any job. Yet my ego can’t help but notice I’m more qualified than my line manager. I’m more qualified than my line manager’s manager. And my line manager’s manager’s manager. And in fact most likely the next line manager up as well. Damn ego, shush!
For the first 10 shifts, I can hear my ego chattering away to me. Telling me I am wasting away in this role. Mocking that I am doing a job beneath me. Instilling a fear of dumbing down. In summary, my ego makes me feel ashamed.
I try to respond to my ego by pointing out all the benefits of this role. Heck, at least the risk of death is not even a factor. I have predictable working hours and minimum stress. No thinking about work outside of work. No staying up late into the night, working on my own website. But the ego is not convinced and keeps up its inane monologue.
With each new shift, a sense of dread comes over me. But I puff up my chest and get on with things.
Nothing is Beneath Me
Let me be clear. I am not above any role. I am not too good for any job. None of us are. And whilst I know this, my ego is struggling to adjust. Every day, I tell my ego to relax, I reassure it. This isn’t forever and we are simply breaking eggs to make omelets (hmmm, maybe not the most appropriate term from a vegan). This role is a springboard into a different life stage.
Yet despite this, the chattering from my ego is relentless. Until one day I outsmart it.
I challenge my ego to make sure every single customer it interacts with, feel energized and full of warm fuzzies. I create a new job description. To be the kindest, most patient, and helpful staff member. To connect with every human being, colleague, or customer with smiling eyes (masks!), a genuine greeting, and the gift of unhurried time.
Well, did this shut my ego up!
My ego is now dragging me into my old hell hole. Chalking up each beautiful human interaction and making notes on how to improve its level of kindness for future shifts.
Don’t be a Self-Absorbed Asshole
“Only a self-absorbed asshole thinks they are too good for whatever their current station requires” — Ryan Holiday
I am reading The Obstacle Is The Way by Ryan Holiday at the moment. He says we owe it to ourselves to do whatever we are doing, well.
“We will be and do many things in our lives. Some are prestigious, some are onerous, none are beneath us. To whatever we face, our job is to respond with hard work, honesty and helping others as best we can.” — Ryan Holiday
And that’s just it. Regardless of what you are doing, do it to the best of your ability. Do it with pride and passion. Strive to be the best you can possibly be in every situation. Do not allow your ego to taint your perspective or accept any substandard performance from yourself.
Whether I am running my own business, investigating murders, or doing a job I could have done when I was 16 years old. I put the same energy, effort, and work ethic in.
Life goes full circle. Until we learn to climb ladders and slide down snakes with consistent humility and kindness, both to ourselves and those around us, we will forever be in battle with our own ego.
🙏Thank you for reading my story Ali Hall
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