Summary

Dr. Stitchback offers satirical advice on reducing smartphone addiction by suggesting increased usage, substituting screens, and embracing 5G technology, sponsored by Verizon.

Abstract

In an article titled "How To Break Your Smartphone Addiction -Without Ever Putting Your Phone Down," Dr. Stitchback humorously addresses a reader's concern about smartphone compulsion. The doctor dismisses the idea of smartphone addiction as a serious issue, instead recommending the reader to indulge in activities that involve screens, such as live-streaming church services, gaming, and watching Netflix. Dr. Stitchback advises against turning off the smartphone, proposing the opposite by suggesting an upgrade to a 5G network for faster information access. The article, sponsored by Verizon, satirically suggests replacing one screen activity with another, such as switching from social media to TikTok or online gambling, and emphasizes managing screen time by organizing apps and scheduling activities like watching pornography. Dr. Stitchback, a self-appointed expert, concludes by asserting that his advice is as professional as one can get for free on the internet.

Opinions

Smartphone addiction is trivialized, suggesting it's not a significant issue compared to more severe addictions.
The article promotes the idea of embracing screen-based activities, even during traditionally screen-free times like playing sports or attending church.
Dr. Stitchback suggests that upgrading to a 5G network is a smarter move than turning off the smartphone, implying that faster connectivity is a solution to smartphone overuse.
The advice given is intentionally absurd, such as suggesting the reader engage in online gambling and fantasy sports to stimulate dopamine receptors as a way to reduce phone use.
The article satirically recommends time management strategies that include scheduling specific times for watching pornography and organizing apps to save time.
Dr. Stitchback acknowledges his lack of formal qualifications, referring to himself as a self-appointed doctor, akin to Dr. Dre, indicating that the advice should be taken with a grain of humor.

How To Break Your Smartphone Addiction -Without Ever Putting Your Phone Down

From TekTime with Dr. Stitchback

Q. Dr. Stitchback. I feel compulsive about my smartphone. Is there something I can do to help with my addiction?

First, you need to know that an addiction to smartphones isn’t really a thing. I mean, it’s not like you’re watching porn in church or anything.

But, I am! Even when I’m sitting in the front row.

Okay, I think you should ditch the in-person church service and try live-streaming a sermon at home while you masturbate. After you finish, you’ll feel ashamed, yet somewhat redeemed and satisfied. After that, it’s mimosas at brunch, baby.

Okay, I guess that might work on Sundays. But how can I cut down on my smartphone usage during the rest of the week?

There’s a lot more screens in people’s lives than they’re aware of. Are you using a screen while playing basketball or while gaming on NBA2K? Try posting up instead. Turn your AC up and avoid using all screen doors and windows. And don’t go to movie screenings, either. Choose Netflix, instead. And of course, avoid drug screens for job applications. You don’t want to have to quit weed while you’re trying to do this.

After a few weeks, you can honestly say you’ve drastically cut back on your screen time while still not technically lying.

What about just turning my smartphone off?

You might think that would be a good solution, but really you should be using your phone even more.

That seems counterintuitive.

Did you find my professional help without your phone? Of course not. The smarter move is upgrading your phone to a 5G network so you can get your information even faster. *TekTime with Dr. Stitchback is sponsored by Verizon.

Okay, but how do I stop myself from checking my social media handles all the time?

Checking your phone simply rewards your dopamine receptors. Notice your behaviors and when you feel like checking your phone, try doing something different. For example, if you feel like you’re addicted to your Instagram or Twitter feed, try TikTok videos instead. If you can’t stop arguing with people on Facebook, go ahead and make the leap to 4Chan where you can meet like minded people.

But what can I do about my impulsiveness? I pick up my phone at least 300 times a day.

I suggest turning off all notifications on your phone and then going online with a smart tablet so you don’t miss any texts, notifications or hilarious YouTube videos. Remember, you can always stimulate your dopamine receptors by feeding them a steady diet of online gambling and fantasy sports. Meanwhile, move your online gaming to a traditional desktop.

And don’t forget about your old fashioned TV, either. Shows like Friends or Game of Thrones can be played on a constant loop in the background at your house.

Okay, that might help with my smartphone, but how do I cut down on my overall screen time?

You need to develop some time management skills when using your phone.

Porn-time- Pick a few “go-to” favorites. Then use your weekends, evenings and meal times to browse for new material.

Organize your apps- Cluttered phones can waste seconds, even minutes, that you could be using to argue with some stranger on Facebook.

Sleep more — Most people need at least 7 hours of sleep a day. So if you get 7 hours a day, and then 10 at night, you can make a huge impact on your available hourly usage.

None of this seems practical at all. What kind of a doctor are you anyways?

Oh, I’m a self appointed doctor. Like Dr. Dre. But as for getting help here for free on the internet- I’m about as professional as you’re gonna get.