How to Break a Trauma Bond with a Narcissist (Even If You Feel Cemented to Your Abuser)

What if your abuser is also your rescuer? The one you love is harming you but also randomly doling out kindness, gifts, and affection.

Trauma bonds arise from physical or emotional trauma coupled with positive reinforcement, creating a toxic cycle of harm and emotional addiction. Trauma bonds change your brain. Because your brain chemistry is working against you, you rationalize the abuse and struggle to break free from the abusive relationship.

Stick with the Facts, and Let Go of the Fantasy

“It’s important for you to commit to yourself to live in the truth. Addictive relationships where a trauma bond has developed are just fantasies. I want to remind you that you are in love with what you wish the other person was — you’re not in love with who your partner is. You’re in love with an idea, a memory, a fantasy; it’s not real.” — Laura Kozlowski

You’re confused, very confused, about the relationship and your perceptions. An abusive narcissist isn’t continuously cruel. Sometimes he showers you with attention like you’ve never known. While you’re blissfully enjoying your pedestal, he abruptly shifts his displays of affection to callous, unpredictable acts of aggression and gaslighting. This creates a state of cognitive dissonance or holding opposing beliefs about the narcissist at the same time.

Your perceptions about his love for you, the state of the relationship, and whether you should stay or leave shift like the wind. It’s important to stay in reality about the truth of the relationship. Instead of looking to the narcissist to resolve the dichotomy of his words and actions, you can validate your experience by keeping a journal. Focus on your abuser’s actions rather than his words. Narrate your perspective and give your experience a voice. Your voice is your evidence.

Dial Down the Intensity

“In the case of trauma bonds, the relationship itself is mood altering and compelling. This is not about the sadness you would feel over the loss of someone for whom you care. This is about a supercharged relationship that is so compelling it can kill you.“ — Patrick J. Carnes

If you’re in a trauma bond with a narcissist, you’re not in love, you’re in intensity. As you rationalize the narcissist’s abusive behavior and stay in the relationship, complete with its high highs and low lows, you experience anxiety, stress, trauma, difficulty sleeping, and new chronic illnesses.

This state of intensity strengthens the trauma bond by hijacking your brain chemistry. Alterations in dopamine and oxytocin keep you in a state of craving, while elevated cortisol sustains a fight-or-flight response. Your brain is literally working against you to break free from the trauma bond.

To change your state, take advantage of your brain’s neuroplasticity by practicing positive self-talk to improve your confidence, self-esteem, and promote emotional healing. Be the voice that you need to hear. Prioritize self-care with plenty of sleep, a healthy diet, daily movement, breathing exercises, physical fitness, and creative outlets. These steps will help you move into a more balanced state.

Disrupt the Trauma Bond with Caring Connections

“Trauma bonds can be disrupted when healthy bonds are available.” — Patrick J. Carnes

Know that you’re not alone in your experience. Anyone who is repeatedly exposed to cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement can find themselves in a trauma bond. Many intelligent, successful people are in narcissistically abusive relationships and feeling stuck due to the effects of a trauma bond.

To break a trauma bond, you need to find your people — people who can offer you genuine validation, nonjudgmental presence, and support. Reach out to a trusted, impartial friend or family member.

Trauma bonds are complex and challenging. Working with a professional therapist or counselor trained in trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery could prove invaluable as you work to break the trauma bond with your narcissistic abuser.

“Letting go of toxic people in your life is a big step in loving yourself.” — Hussein Nishah

Trauma bonds are intense connections to an abusive person that blind you to the damages of the relationship. You can recognize the trauma bond, see the abusive relationship clearly, and take back your power. You deserve to live your life free from harm and abuse. You really, really do!

I write for you! Subscribe here to have stories like this delivered straight to your inbox.