HUMOR/SATIRE/WRITING
How To Become Rich at Making Good Articles and Stuff
You will even make millions so stay tuned for some advice
You’ve been writing on Medium for a while, and you aren’t getting noticed? It’s a terrible feeling, isn’t it? You just want people to read your stories because you put so much sweat and tears into creating them. You also want to become so filthy rich like those famous writers you only hear about, myself included. It’s rare to only make money on Medium but I have some tricks to show you that it’s fully possible with the right amount of knowledge and innovation.
So what are some things you can do to get noticed and to get rich?
- Forget titles and subtitles sometimes
- Images, who needs them?
- Go off on random tangents that have absolutely nothing to do with your story.
- Capitalize and bold all of your text.
- Talk to your readers like you’re better than them.
- Take pictures of money whenever you can and just randomly place them throughout your stories so people know you’re rich.
- Literally, just make stuff up
Titles and subtitles, who needs them?
Have you ever noticed that some people’s titles and subtitles are so long that you already get bored? Well, the best way to avoid this trap is to get your viewers to start reading right away. Just throw in a random sentence as your introduction and go from there. If they read the first sentence and you haven’t completely lost them, you can go ahead and say whatever you want after you’ve got them hooked. Why waste the extra minute or 20 to come up with the perfect title? Titles are for losers. Except for my title and subtitle, this is only for winners.
Images, who needs them?
People who put images in their stories are 500% less likely to be millionaires. You’re trying to look that fact up, aren’t you? Well, I’ve got news for you. If you’re reading this and you’re a writer on this platform, you’re probably putting images under your title and throughout your story, aren’t you? Are YOU a millionaire? There we go, enough said. Now go on and go ahead.
Try it out. What’s it going to hurt? Are you going to lose your non-existent millions by stepping outside of the box every once in a while? If you’ve ever found the perfect image for your story, you’re likely going to have to pay someone to use it anyway. Don’t give other people your money ever. How are you going to get rich paying for pictures on your writing-for-fun blog? The image above is only so you can look at something while you think about how not to apply images in the future.
Go off on random tangents that have absolutely nothing to do with your story
First of all, this might not sound like a good strategy but it’ll keep people reading your crappy story longer and you’ll be able to add more words to your word count and more words=more money, doesn’t it?
The late Queen of England used to wake up every morning and drink a cup of tea with her husband while he was still alive. They would talk about different topics such as how life in England was and how rich their family was every morning. The conversation would keep the Queen vibrant and feeling young. She would always like a blueberry scone and she enjoyed looking out into the garden and watching the birds fly by.
See, you thought that that story was going to tie back into how to write good and get rich. It had nothing to do with that. I went off on a tangent and I got you to read about a paragraph or so of content with you expecting for that to have a point. Anyway, go off and try it and see how effective it is.
CAPITALIZE AND BOLD ALL OF YOUR TEXT
I THINK THAT THIS ONE IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO NOTICE YOUR WRITING. IT IS ESSENTIAL TO GET YOUR WORDS NOTICED AND REMEMBERED. IF YOU ONLY WRITE IN LOWERCASE ALL THE TIME, HOW WILL PEOPLE KNOW THAT YOU’RE YELLING AT THEM TO BE SUCCESSFUL LIKE YOU? YOU CAN’T, CAN YOU? DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THE RICHEST PEOPLE ARE THE BIGGEST JERKS? PEOPLE MIGHT INITIALLY HATE YOU FOR THIS SEEMINGLY ANNOYING HABIT BUT IT’S ESSENTIAL FOR PEOPLE TO FINALLY RETAIN AND UNDERSTAND YOUR MESSAGE. DO YOU THINK ELON MUSK OR JEFF BEZOS WRITES OR SPEAKS WITHOUT CAPITALIZING AND BOLDING ALL OF THEIR WORDS?
Talk to your readers like you’re better than them
Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t want to do this? You don’t deserve to be rich and good at writing then? Why don’t you just go back and crawl into that corner of your childhood room and cry to that Celine Dion cassette you have in your 90s boombox? I am not writing this because I want to coddle you and make you feel special. I’m writing this because I know exactly how to succeed and you don’t.
You’re probably sitting in your pajamas right now drinking coffee or tea and reading this on an Amazon Kindle. What a loser!! Please just stop writing then. Nobody thinks your random thoughts about Nietzsche or the meaning of life mean anything to anyone reading your stuff trying to learn anything useful.
Take pictures of money and just bombard your readers making them know you’re rich
Yeah, I know this sounds counter to my earlier advice not to put any pictures up at all. I don’t see any of you throwing pictures up of random money you have lying around though. It’s all pictures of your cats or your stuffed animals. All I’ll know from those pictures is that you don’t care about making money.
Oh, and those stock photos you use of people doing random stuff or just random buildings and such, why? Does that scream rich to you? Are you telling people that you have no sense of how to do any of this writing stuff and are just sloppily throwing stuff together just because? Well, that’s just stupid…
Literally, just make stuff up…
So, even though I put this one last, it doesn’t mean that this one isn’t equally important, you have a 5000% better chance of getting noticed if people have to constantly look up the facts that you have in your story. If you make it up and make it hard to verify, it keeps people on your story longer and that means more cha-ching, you got that right, money. Do you need me to explain this one to you, really? I can’t just show you how it’s done. That’s something for you to decide on.
I did hear that many years ago, a study from Stanford University was done to see how often people clicked on links that either verified or didn’t verify information on people’s studies or articles about information that they seemed to be an authority in. If you’re an expert in something, then you’re already going to be rich. If you can convince people you’re an expert, you can potentially become rich just by doing the legwork to make up believable stuff.
Like, here’s something that I didn’t know. The average American male’s weight from the ages of 20–29 is roughly 189 pounds. At the same time, the average American male’s weight from 20–29 on My 600-Lb Life is 877.65 pounds, I bet you didn’t know that. You can throw these random facts in and “verify” them and no one will click on all of them because they will just be fatigued at that point and want to eat instead of clicking on all of those links.
The grand exit
I’m warming up my boat again so I am going to have to go now. Also, I may have started a small fire in my money room that I’ll have to extinguish in a minute. I hope that my helpful tips can get you writing like a millionaire and being a multi-millionaire like me in no time.
Make sure that you follow all of the steps 50% of the time and do not follow a couple or none of the steps 75% of the time, the other 75% of the time, and make sure you are also giving 1000% every 10 weeks and you can become a millionaire in, well I’m not going to math it for you guys.
Oh, and you also have to do a simple diet technique and you will soon be a pretty woman all over again. Oh, wait, we’re talking about getting rich, aren’t we? Yes, do whatever I said up here and you can become a rich, successful douchebag like me in no time. Buy my book in the links. Arrivederci, s̶u̶c̶k̶e̶r̶s̶wannabe millionaires.
Author’s Disclaimer: In case it isn’t obvious, this story is for entertainment purposes and does not include actual writing or financial advice.
