How to Become Employee of the Year?

Anger shares his proven strategies

Select the Right Company For You

Don’t fall for companies whose names stink of excellence such as Google and Apple Computer Inc. Instead, choose fresh meats like Brave Care, Being Human, etc. Let these fools believe their emotionally driven names attract only monks to work for them.

Choose the Perfect Scapegoats

I am a Leopard who can sense a freaked out chicken’s heartbeat from a mile away. So I figured the perfect scapegoats in my company would be Love, Friendship, Hard work, and Talent. Of course, Cunning tried hard to make his way in the list, but I ultimately chose Hard work and Talent to stand on the top of the podium. And oh boy, was I right o’ what?

Lick the correct ass

Gosh! The ripe peachy asses at work give me a tough time to immobilize my morning wood. But it’s a workplace and sex, therefore, is off the charts. That doesn’t mean I can’t lick some asses to climb up the corporate ladder. So how do you find the right ass for you? Pro-Tip- Look for the one which has the lounge-chair print on it.

Spread a rumor

This has to be done thoughtfully. Make sure the rumors spread by you have finished some careers, made eligible for non-bailable offenses, or best, thrown out of the company like a fly from the glass of milk. Look, if you’re up for killing someone then at least be human enough to give them a quick death.

Organize an in-house bullfight

You may argue that bullfights are illegal. Sure, but what has legality to do anything with you? Just try arranging a bull, a matador, and a red cloth. That’s it! Grab a bucket of popcorn and enjoy the show.

Pretend you care

Just go and chat with melancholy, depression, and sadness in their personal cubicles. Target their weak nerves like Mr. Trump does with America, and when things get watery, spare some tissues. Once done, tick the CSR box off your to-do list. Simple!

Sleep, poop, repeat

For Christ’s sake, give others a chance of getting a five-pointer appraisal from HR. For once, sacrifice yourself by indulging in a happy meal with a free coke, take a digestion-inducing nap, and let the poop see the day of light before you punch your way out of the office campus.

Throw a celebration party with a paid-up thank you speech

You spent an entire year spreading your bullshit everywhere. Now it’s time to collect some trophies. Do call your haters and rub their noses in your success. Don’t forget a thank you speech taking credits for all the work you never did and in the end, enjoy ‘’The employee of the year’’ trophy, Cheers!!!