How To Become An Old Curmudgeon ~ In Four Easy Lessons
In 4 simple steps, you’ll learn to master the art of insufferable intolerance at home, alone, in your spare time.
Course prerequisites:
Before we begin the lessons, please verify that you’re old, both chronologically and mentally.
You need to have lost faith (or better yet, never had it) in the intrinsic kindness of humanity.
You also need to be deeply disgruntled, so much so that the very thought of collaboration, compassion, and compromise provokes anger, rage, and self-entitlement.
An aversion to social standards, a tattered neck beard (men or women), and a closet of stained flannel shirts are strongly advised.
Bonus points if your name is Karen or Ken.
Okay, let’s carry on.
Course objectives
Curmudgeons are made, not born. Even those raised in an atmosphere of love and tolerance can benefit from this course.
Curmudgeoning is an art, not a science.
When you graduate, you’ll display a visceral repugnance for all people and things different, learn to sustain a scowling appearance of ill-temper, and be able to quickly identify the malevolent intent of every statement and action made within earshot.
You’ll learn how to avoid animals, small children, and social events that are too pretentious to include beer and barbeque.
You’ll also be an inspiration to other curmudgeon wannabees, not that you’ll care.
Lesson 1: Young people exist for the sole purpose of ruining your life
Curmudgeons know that the secret to a peaceful life is simple: Do everything as it’s always been done.
Brilliant visionaries before us have already figured out all the best answers, so there’s no need to consider new ideas. Young people are ignorant and curmudgeons — who have been around the world a few times — know that radical ideas will destroy the country.
Avoid small children and animals, they’re like static cling
The niggling pipsqueaks of today get their knowledge from computers and social mischief which is proven by experts to spew unreliable and biased rhetoric. The best sources are newspapers, talk shows, and hardware stores.
Worse, the mewling miscreants waste their money and time playing computer games. In the good old days, we worked hard for an honest day’s pay, saved every penny, and didn’t have time for silly games. We made the world a better place — for them! And what thanks do we get?
Lesson 2: Change is dangerous
Curmudgeons could be a significant voting bloc if only we’d vote. But if we did, we’d vote against change. It’s our constitutional right that everybody is trying to take away.
You know what else is our constitutional right? Free speech! It’s more important than voting. We have the right — the obligation — to give everyone a piece of our mind.
We must speak with iron-clad resistance against the progressive wackos that continue to incite change that nobody wants. It’s essential for a calm and rational future.
A loaf of bread used to cost a nickel. Why don’t they fix that instead of building windmills and electric cars?
When we were young, we didn’t need seatbelts, babysitters, or rides to school. Like buffalo hunting, car accidents just cull the weak, making society stronger.
Now the pampered prissies want to tax our hard-earned Social Security so they can change their genders and protect the horny frogs.
Everywhere you look, companies and governments are crawling with changeniks who get orgasms from befuddling decent people with techno-this and climate-that. All it serves to do is advance an agenda that nobody understands and coddles the puerile snowflakes that aren’t willing to work hard and struggle like we did. It builds character — they don’t understand that.
Stand back and speak up.
Lesson 3: Truth comes from the gut
Most books are written by the devil.
Books and articles are filled with corrupt content designed to manipulate your thoughts like a puppet. Libraries are a sinister plot by the literate elites to slowly inject new ideas into the masses and bugger up our society which was working just fine the way it was, thank you very much.
Then there’s technology. Lord knows who thought that was a good idea.
Take the Internets. They’re filled with all kinds of unnatural tomfoolery. A couple of honest clicks and all manner of scantily clad women are dancing and thrusting across the screen, followed by ads for EDs and enlargements. We don’t need that stuff out here in the open.
It’s always best to hang out with people who are just like you.
Truth, honesty, and the American way can only be found on a few select TV talk shows, some newspapers (not that nasty one in New York), and the good old hardware store where Big Andy shares his wisdom. He’s good people.
Lesson 4: Judgment is your superpower
Contrary to popular belief, people should be judged on a limited set of facts. It’s the only way to make quick, efficient decisions.
There’s no need to waste your time on girly things like ‘feelings’ and ‘intent’ when age, appearance, and hometown will provide all you need to know about someone.
Wisdom comes with age, but young people don’t know that and need to be reminded. And reminded emphatically, because their brains have turned into tapioca from Tweetering and Facebonking.
People in flannel are trustworthy.
Don’t trust people who live in cities — overcrowding reduces intolerance and encourages intermingling. That’s where all the shenanigans start. Country folk are honest and true to a fault.
Other than yelling, the easiest way to insulate yourself from the insufferable crackerjacks is to hang out with people who are already like you. Move to a 55+ community in a small town and you’ll discover your own personal paradise.
Stay away from people with “purpose.” It’s a trick to get you to work for free
Finally, keep your distance from anyone chasing a “purpose.” They’ll ask you to volunteer and then you’ll get caught up in free labor for a pack of piffling harpies who can’t afford to pay their workers.
Being humble is for the birds. Society is on the verge of collapse and it’s our duty to fix it. Close your ears and open your pie hole. Speak loudly for what you believe in. The world will be a better place because of us.
Bonus lesson
This extra bonus lesson includes:
- How to drive slowly in the fast lane
- Tipping rules: Deciding between 3% and 9%
- Creative line cutting
- Advanced body language and gestures
- Topiary designs that discourage visitors
Final Notice:
Remember, you may cancel or change classes at any time if you’ve discovered being a curmudgeon isn’t for you. No matter how far down the curmudgeoning path you’ve gone, you can always turn back.
The class “How NOT To Be a Curmudgeon” still has some openings. Their curriculum includes lessons that cover the following topics:
- Seek the company of younger people. They’ll help you stay current on culture, technology, and current events — often from a new and interesting perspective. Ask their opinion on anything. Listen quietly to their answer while actively suppressing the urge to correct them because ‘you’ve been around the world a time or two.’
- Get out and do something different. A brain grows stupid as fast as a belly grows fat. New experiences challenge you physically and mentally and help you live a longer and healthier life. Old dogs CAN learn new tricks.
- Stop watching depressing political news shows. The other side is NOT scheming to steal your constitutional freedoms and destroy democracy. That’s only an evil trick to get you to view more advertisements about pillows and iPhones. Regardless of our beliefs, we’re all warm-blooded social creatures who love our children, families, and country.
- Practice gratitude. No matter your personal circumstances, you always have something to be thankful for. “I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet” [ancient Persian proverb]. Appreciating what you have is a more fulfilling approach to life than coveting what others have.
No matter who you are, where you live, or what you do, you are a role model for others around you. You can foster curmudgeonism or practice compassion.
It’s your choice. Choose wisely or get off my lawn.
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