How To Become An Even Better Listener

Listening, believe it or not, is a skill.

Have you ever heard someone give the compliment of just HOW GOOD of a listener their partner is? At first, it seems a bit like a silly compliment…how are some people better at sitting there and hearing words than others?

It’s because active listening — the type of listening that makes the speaker feel heard, seen, and understood, requires more than just sitting like a bump on a log and letting them ramble on while you wait for them to stop.

When we discuss the importance of communication skills (this goes for every area of life, not just intimate relationships), I believe that most people interpret it as being articulate, or clear in your thoughts, or concise expression of your feelings.

The truth is, though, that healthy communication is just as much about listening than it is about speaking, and sometimes even more so.

Below, we’ll discuss five things that amazing listeners do, so you can adapt them to your own personal style and build an even stronger connection with the people you care about.

1: Help the other person to feel safe.

There are some people who immediately recoil when they hear the word “safe” because they associate it with hiding from the realities of the world in a “safe space,” but the truth is that safety is one of the most important feelings anyone in any relationship can ever experience.

It’s not just about physical safety, but emotional and mental safety.

This is the type of safety that makes others feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings in the first place. It’s a result of you being open minded, non-judgmental, welcoming, and warm.

If a person doesn’t feel safe in your presence (in other words, if they don’t feel like they can trust you), they’re never going to open up to you in the first place, and you won’t have anything to listen to.

The first step of being an amazing listener, then, is giving people the space to express anything and everything they want to you, free of judgment.

You’ll be surprised how much of a connection you can build with someone when those walls come down.

2: Use validating language.

What’s your default response when someone is telling you a story, or sharing ideas with you?

For most, it’s something like this:

“Uh-huh, mmhmm, yep, yep. Mmmm, mmhmm.”

Small changes here go a long way, as it doesn’t require a full dissertation to help someone feel like you’re genuinely engaged and understanding them.

Try phrases like:

“Yes, absolutely.”

“I totally understand what you mean.”

“That makes perfect sense.”

Before you ask, no, I’m not suggesting that you just tacitly agree with everything a person is saying, nor that you use these terms to pacify them and keep them talking while you’re internally tuned-out.

What I am suggesting is that putting a little extra effort into using validating language when someone is speaking can reassure them that you’re not just sitting there letting the words wash over you, but that you’re paying real attention and are responding appropriately.

3: Understand the importance of body language.

Let’s imagine that you approach your partner who’s sitting on the couch. There’s something that you want to talk about, and you sit down next to them.

“Go ahead, I’m listening,” they say.

Position #1: They continue facing frontwards, their arms are crossed in front of them, they just slightly turn their head towards you, and they give you little nods and “uh huhs” every now and then.

Position #2: They sit upright, turn their body towards you, position their shoulders facing you, and lean in, making eye contact.

Which position would signal that they’re actually listening and interested in what you say?

The answer is obvious, but we often forget the importance of our posturing during a conversation.

To show someone you’re genuinely paying attention, it’s important to open up your body language, which means no arms or legs crossed in front of you.

It means positioning your shoulders so they’re directly facing the person speaking, not just turning your head, because this sends a half-assed message that you’re just getting a small piece of their attention.

The general rule of thumb, even more important than the shoulders, is the shoes. You can see where someone’s real attention is directed by looking at where their feet are pointed. Pay attention to this next time you’re out at a social event, and you’ll be able to see who’s genuinely engaged with the person they’re talking to, and who’s planning a quick escape in the other direction.

Perhaps most importantly of all, though (considering this is 2023), is putting your phone away.

Not just face down in front of you. Not held by your side in your hand. Away.

In the world we’re living in, this might be one of the most effective ways to show them using body language that they’ve got your undivided attention.

4: Ask follow-up questions that flow with the conversation.

I recently covered this topic with a private client who’d been recapping a date he had recently been on during our weekly call.

As we dove into the details, he admitted that the “flow” of the conversation may have felt a bit more like an interview than a natural, flowing progression.

We’ve all been there before…a little nervous, unsure of what to say next, and finding ourselves resorting to another question on our mental list that might pop out without us really thinking about it.

The person on the receiving end, though, is now thinking: “Okay, where did that come from?”

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something to be aware of.

If you’re genuinely interested in what this person is saying (which is basically the entire point of getting to know someone), then there’ll be questions that come to mind that further explore the topic, or show curiosity.

“Oh, you’re from country XYZ? Which part? What was it like growing up there?”

“That sounds like a great experience, is there anything you’d do differently next time?”

Questions that prompt further detail from what the speaker has just said will show them that you’re actually paying attention and are interested in hearing more from them — inevitably, they’ll indulge you and keep talking, which is exactly what you want as an active listener.

5: Listen to what they’re NOT saying.

As broached in point #3, communication is largely non-verbal, something like 80% non-verbal.

This means that what someone is not saying is even more important than what they are saying, and being an amazing listener means being able to hear beyond the words and truly observe someone’s entire ecosystem of communication.

The body language they’re projecting, the tone of voice they’re using, the facial expressions they’re making, the certainty they’re speaking with, the mannerisms they use…these are all going to tell you a hell of a lot more than the words coming out of their mouth.

Listening, then, is about a lot more than just “hearing” words, it’s about understanding the totality of what someone is expressing to you, or isn’t expressing to you.

Putting this level of effort into receiving someone’s thoughts and feelings will help to build and maintain a far deeper and stronger connection than someone who just sits there while they talk at them.

They say that “communication is key,” and that key unlocks fulfilling, thriving, healthy, and happy relationships, if you know how to use it properly.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.