How To Become A Better Listener
Use Your Heart Before Your Ears
When you marry someone or commit to a relationship, you probably promise to listen to that significant other all the time. But I bet you fall short of this promise. Everyone does. However, it is a good intention to have.
Why do we suck at listening? You’d think we would have already had this action down to a science.
The problem is, we are losing our listening skills daily. On average, we spend 50–60% of our communication time listening but were not very good at it. We only keep about 25% of that information. Maybe not you specifically, but that is the case.
I used to think that when arguing with family or friends about anything worthy of conversation, having the most time to talk would put me in the best position to win the argument. But not putting in the time to keep the other person’s viewpoints and information is like having a baseball team that can all hit a baseball but can’t pitch the ball to save their life. I was playing offense, not defense.
Starts with the heart
As cheesy as it sounds, listening starts with the heart before the ears. If you want to listen to somebody, it’s because you care about that person and what they have to say.
Some people you may not care about, which makes you aimlessly hearing sounds and words. Therefore, people are not good listeners. If you don’t like someone's viewpoints but want to hear what they have to say, find something to latch on to with that someone so that the foundation of listening will be set in stone.
Stop Talking
You and everyone else in the world have those people in their life that cannot stop talking in a conversation and just recompose themselves. Maybe it's you and it's why you are trying to become a better listener.
These people have so much to say mainly because of how much they care about the conversation itself, or they are trying to prove their worthiness to you on that specific topic, and in return helps their ego. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listening will only make you talk much better, and it will help you coordinate the conversation more into a two-way street instead of you or that other person owning the entire dialogue.
Minimize Distraction
This may be an obvious one, but so many people just categorize this as multi-tasking.
Sure, we are capable of multi-tasking. I love to have a show on in the background while I browse through the computer or shop for my next purchase on Amazon. But how could you justify listening to someone talk while on social media? Or texting? Short answer, you can’t.
We all have done it, whether at Church, in the classroom, or simply with friends or family. We think it's possible, but really is just an excuse to put attention on something you deem more accessible. And that’s just the external distractions. You may be constantly having internal thoughts while trying to listen to something else.
I’m not stopping you, but don’t you think that listening to someone requires the full range of your attention span? Of course, it does, yet why do we fail? Because it's easy.
Being a better listener is not a habit you can pick up in one sitting. Your mind needs to work out and build up its listening muscles, just like any other habit.
Listen To Learn
Think about all the conversations you’ve had in your lifetime. Could you put a number on how many things you have learned from those conversations? You probably can’t. Conversations just come and go and we forget most of the information because we act at the moment. But why do we not keep a bigger portion? Because we go into a conversation with no expected reward.
If you go in expecting you are going to learn something new, even if you may not have learned something or already know the information, listening becomes a lot easier. Why do you watch TV shows or documentaries? To learn something new. If you go into a conversation with that in mind, you become more invested in what a person is saying and it becomes more accessible.
It’s not about picking who we want to learn something from, it's about having the expectation to learn from anyone, the pursuit. Because of this expectation, our brain is more adept at finding additional information and ingraining that information to our sub-conscious.
Use Your Body
We’ve all heard the saying “Make Eye Contact”, yet we often fail at this when listening for a long period.
Eye contact is really a practice that is overlooked in many people, and you probably have heard the famous phrase and just gave it a classic shrug. I included. I used to not make eye contact, and it wasn’t because I was intentionally not doing it, it was because I was not attempting to do so.
Body language is also important. Leaning in on someone and nodding when appropriate is not only helping you listen better but is also helping the talker confirm or dis-affirm their beliefs. Making the conversation a two-way street is ultimately the goal in any conversation. Body Language crucial for that to happen.
Listening requires time and practice, but having the mindset to improve your act of listening is honestly half the battle. The human brain is amazing at picking up new habits and strategies to achieve your goals, and using these tips will only facilitate the process both faster and further.
Once you put these strategies into orbit, you will notice the differences in a conversation. The other person may feel more of a connection with you, and you as well. Many friends create these bonds through communication skills and it's because they value the practice of listening. It is like giving friendships that necessary energy to bring those people together in a more harmonious pattern.
