How to Beat Your Spouse and Get Away With It
A Step By Step Approach
As a professional counselor, I have heard it all and learned a great deal from the couples with whom I’ve worked. Many of the insights I share in writing come from these encounters. I also love it when the writings of my colleagues on Medium resonate with my own experience. However, I have yet to read anyone’s advice to those who are looking to beat their partner. I know it is controversial, but I have put some thought to it, and I want to share what I believe is sound advice regarding the step by step process beat your spouse and get away with it.
The Setting
The key to beating your spouse and avoiding any consequence is first to create the perfect setting. It works best when you plan about a week or so in advance.
Now follow this plot; it’s Friday night, and you and your spouse have had plans all week to make this night about your relationships. No friends, no extravagant social outings, phones kept in other rooms, just the two of you with no distractions. So far, you should be catching my drift that it is essential to create an environment of relational isolation.
A great prepared meal or carryout is essential because the whole setup depends on the conversation that takes place in the hour or two before the beating. You must spend that time listening, asking questions, being very interested in their opinion, and offering validation the entire time.
Couples therapists know that active listening and validation are crucial to getting someone to be less defensive and trust us more.
Secondarily, wine is an excellent additive to the scenario but not too much. You don’t want to get drunk and lose control. You want just enough to create a giddiness that relaxes and turns down inhibitions. Of course, drinking is not essential and not for everyone, but it does seem to help. So far, this may seem meticulous and involve too much effort, but trust me when I say it will be worth it.
Beating your spouse and avoiding consequences is not a sport of chance; instead, it is a science.
Time to Execute
At this point in the night, it is time to suggest the activity. The activity must be a game that you are familiar with and that he/she does not know how to play. By now, the endorphins are flowing, and they are up for anything because of the great conversation, food, and wine.
If you are at a loss for what this game might be, offer to teach them a game they do not know. They will be dependent on you in helping them out. Although I would not cheat in the game, I would also not be very forthcoming with tips and help. This is the more unpredictable part of the night, and you will have to monitor very closely for when the right time to strike arises.
You gotta know when to hold ‘em…
You have to recognize the right time by the following signs:
- They are making mistakes and silly moves, but you assure them it’s alright and that they will catch on. You assure them the first game is practice anyways. That way, if they get lucky and win, it won’t count.
- They are losing and steadily falling behind. In your head, you are salivating, but on the outside, you are giggling and telling them how cute they are.
- If they are the competitive type and are getting frustrated you can ask them if they want to quit and play something else. Remember, a forfeit counts as a win for you.
The Beating
In any case, you do no celebrating. You have beaten them, and there is no need to celebrate because that would just kill the mood. The next thing to do is pour some more wine, ask if they want to play again, or if they would prefer a different activity. Any way you slice it, the night is destined to turn out great. They are not even going to remember the beating they received, only the laughs, the conversation, and maybe the food. They will probably feel a lot closer to you as well and maybe remember why they liked you in the first place.
There is enough stress in our lives and enough demands on our time that can color our perspectives grey. The time we do have together is often spent talking about stressful things and catching up on what needs to be accomplished. Soon we find ourselves frustrated with our partner and dreading each interaction as a potential bomb waiting to go off. Quality time is not a luxury but rather a need. If we are going to be happy in our relationships, we must make concentrated time to engage with each other. We must make time that is protected from stress and weighty topics, time that is intentional and focused on each other. You can follow my advice, or structure your own date night. Just make it happen.
If you have read this far, thank you! I would love to hear your feedback, have a discussion, or debate these concepts. Let’s connect at, PsychologyToday, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter or shoot me an email at [email protected].