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Abstract

<li>check what you have in stock in the cupboard (some mouldy bread and a can of baked beans) (oh, and the cat food) (but that’s for nanna)</li><li>ditto for the freezer — throw out anything past due. Cool. Freezer emptied.</li><li>then make a list of basic foods from the major food groups. Easy. Chips, beer, nuts, tins of beans.</li></ul><h1 id="4e2a">Who said this was hard?</h1>Apparently they say you should use fresh food first. I’m not sure what that is, unless it’s food that talks back.Nutritionists also recommend to prepare large batches of food to put in the freezer.Do they mean I should order the combo meals at McDonalds and put half away for later? I already do that, but usually just leave it on the couch.The freezer is a great idea! Thanks nutritionists!<figure id="b4ab"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*XyEsiGgxJGVAYqbw"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jonathanborba?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Jonathan Borba</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure>Some alarmists are saying the water supply could be disrupted, so we should stock up on bottled water. Surely beer and Red Bull covers that. They’ve got water in them.I’ll be fine. It’s been working for the past twenty years. Why stop now?Now to the essentials. Some professor guy said we should avoid panic buying, but my opinions outweigh his lifetime of expertise.I’m gonna clear out Dan’s room and fill it with the important things:<ul><li>Eggs — A couple of pallets should be good. I love scrambled eggs.</li><li>Ammunition — to defend my stash from those who haven’t hoarded. Idiots. It’s all their own fault.</li><li>Books on how to make it rich on the stock-market. Some light reading to prepare myself for when we all emerge from the shadows. I’ll make a killing! Again! But this time literally.</li><li>Shelving — when they restock all the current shelves, there’ll be nowhere to stash other stuff. I’m gonna be ahead of the curve at last.</li><li>Cigarettes — if I can’t get to the shops to grab a pack I’ll literally die.</li><li>Ice — no, not the ice you put in the bathtub to keep the beer cold. The stuff you make in the bathtub.</li><li>Spray Paint — for when the ice runs out.</li><li>Scented candles. I’m not a monster — I’ve got a soft side like everyone else!</li><li>Oxygen canisters — cause if it runs out, who’ll be laughing?</li></ul>So when you’re down at the local supermarket and can’t get oxygen for your loved ones, you’re welcome.</article></body>

How to Beat Cornavirus Panic Buying at its Own Game

The world has entered a frenzy of insane stockpiling, and I plan to join them

I realized my complacence could be the death of me as I scrounged empty-handed for toilet paper in the local service station’s toilets.

Catching up with the news, it sounds like I’m out of luck for rice and ass-wiping for the next few months.

If I am to survive this crisis, I need to be savvy.

Turning to the experts I learn that nutritionists advise to:

check what you have in stock in the cupboard (some mouldy bread and a can of baked beans) (oh, and the cat food) (but that’s for nanna)
ditto for the freezer — throw out anything past due. Cool. Freezer emptied.
then make a list of basic foods from the major food groups. Easy. Chips, beer, nuts, tins of beans.

Who said this was hard?

Apparently they say you should use fresh food first. I’m not sure what that is, unless it’s food that talks back.

Nutritionists also recommend to prepare large batches of food to put in the freezer.

Do they mean I should order the combo meals at McDonalds and put half away for later? I already do that, but usually just leave it on the couch.

The freezer is a great idea! Thanks nutritionists!

Some alarmists are saying the water supply could be disrupted, so we should stock up on bottled water. Surely beer and Red Bull covers that. They’ve got water in them.

I’ll be fine. It’s been working for the past twenty years. Why stop now?

Now to the essentials. Some professor guy said we should avoid panic buying, but my opinions outweigh his lifetime of expertise.

I’m gonna clear out Dan’s room and fill it with the important things:

Eggs — A couple of pallets should be good. I love scrambled eggs.
Ammunition — to defend my stash from those who haven’t hoarded. Idiots. It’s all their own fault.
Books on how to make it rich on the stock-market. Some light reading to prepare myself for when we all emerge from the shadows. I’ll make a killing! Again! But this time literally.
Shelving — when they restock all the current shelves, there’ll be nowhere to stash other stuff. I’m gonna be ahead of the curve at last.
Cigarettes — if I can’t get to the shops to grab a pack I’ll literally die.
Ice — no, not the ice you put in the bathtub to keep the beer cold. The stuff you make in the bathtub.
Spray Paint — for when the ice runs out.
Scented candles. I’m not a monster — I’ve got a soft side like everyone else!
Oxygen canisters — cause if it runs out, who’ll be laughing?

So when you’re down at the local supermarket and can’t get oxygen for your loved ones, you’re welcome.