INTROVERSION + RELATIONSHIPS

How to be your own best friend

When I turned 30 I expected a moment of clarity and clairvoyance that would propel me past all of life’s pending, upcoming bullshit.

I wanted to demand perfection from the next decade of my life, just like I’d made a habit of requiring perfection from myself.

I’d just lived through my Saturn Return- a transitional year that represented the moment Saturn returns to where it was positioned at the time of my birth.

For those who study astrology, it’s known as a draining year of redemption and reconciliation. All of the decisions made as a young adult, crash together to create a mosaic moment of undeniable anguish. I had time to look at all of my choices, in the museum of my mind, and sit with the repercussions of self-sabotage and reckless impatience.

My biggest fear, on the eve of my 30th birthday, was waking up and being the same woman I’d been. I couldn’t afford to avoid the truth anymore. I finally accepted that my joy was my responsibility. My heart was mine to protect and nurture.

I was done handing out the pieces of my heart like samples at Costco.

I remember waking up on the Saturday morning of my scheduled birthday party (I’d planned a quiet brunch with a few childhood friends) and deciding I didn’t want to be around anyone or celebrate another year of life. Wasn’t sure I wanted to commit to another year of life.

I didn’t want to welcome in a new decade, naively thinking my life would start to resemble my vision board, then get punched in the face by the Universe- again.

I canceled my birthday party.

Spent the day in a limpia (a healing bath) surrounded by red rose petals, drowning self-doubt in pink water infused with lavender.

That was the day I stopped living for other people. Stopped getting out of bed daily, eager to solve the world’s problems. Stopped ignoring my problems.

I write about the hardships of making friends as a woman in her 30s. I write about how much I love introversion. It’s time to create a bridge between those two conversations and examine the importance and immediate relevance of becoming my own best friend.

I didn’t fall in love with myself in a graceful way.

There was no montage of enlightened events and self-care spa days that clustered into a love affair. I just had no other choice.

I sat between self-hate and radical self-acceptance for a while like a recruit trying to choose between two teams. It was heartbreaking. I was so tired of hating myself, so tired of needing other people to love me to feel deserving of the space I occupy in this world.

A shift in consciousness bubbled beneath the surface, begging me to abandon shallow ways of existing. Begging me to live more fully, more authentically.

I accepted the shift -subtly- while I was detoxing from an addiction to pleasing people. Being a professional people pleaser is all-encompassing and weaning off that drug of choice is dangerous. The silence, for starters, is mindblowing.

When you stop living to please other people, some of those people stop calling you.

Friendships that were supposed to be solid, melted into puddles of nostalgia. It’s a pill to swallow. A lot of people who “love” you, only love the ways you make their lives easier.

I became my own best friend because I needed to learn how to hold myself upright when nobody else was available. My world changed when I heard my own voice, clearly, for the first time.

I found hobbies that I’d never made time for in the past.

I read books that’d been gathering dust for years.

I cooked recipes I’d been hoarding.

I moved across the country and put distance between who I once was and who I hoped to become.

It’s corny to throw “be your own best friend” around without the disclaimer that being a friend to yourself is a prescription. It’s a holistic blend to use when you’ve burned out, broken down, and run out of energy to keep pretending that you’re okay.

The immediate solution to self-neglect is prioritizing a friendship with yourself.

I want to contribute to this world without being bitter, without running on empty because my spiritual tank lacks the resources it needs. I want to refill my cup first, put on my oxygen mask first, and seek my own opinion first.

I know a lot of people who do so much good in the world and sacrifice so much for their families but they resent everybody and everything.

I used to treat my friends better than I treated myself. When I woke up on my 30th birthday, I finally put myself at the top of my list of priorities.

During the past few years, I’ve had a lot of quiet moments without a crowd to cheer me on or a co-signer to approve my decisions.

I finally trust myself.

When you trust yourself, you make decisions that benefit you regardless of what everybody else thinks.

I believe that’s why more people are walking away from people, places, and things that don’t align with their joy. Being able to hear and honor your own opinion is a liberating, sufficient superpower that cancels out the aggressive noisiness of a world that will drown you in its corruption if you can’t hear yourself think.

“Decide what you want and say no to everything that isn’t that.”

Thanks Carmellita and Yana Bostongirl for the opportunity to write to the consciousness prompt. I love the conversations you both start on Medium. You’re two of my favorite writers. Thanks for being a part of my community.