How To Be The Biggest D*ck In Your Office: 10 Easy Tips

At one of the large telecoms in the ’90s, I witnessed a white-haired programmer of IBM 3. fame shouting obscenities across several cubicles at a fellow coder in which the c-word figured prominently and repeatedly.

As I watched in disbelief while the enraged spittle flew, I asked one of my co-workers (an employee; I was a consultant) what the hell was up with that. The dismissive reply: “That’s just Colin. He does that sometimes.” (Note: Colin’s not his real name, though it probably doesn’t matter as he’s likely dead either from apoplexy or a 12-gauge blast by now).

No repercussions at all, mostly because Colin was needed for legacy maintenance but also — uninterested management.

And while it doesn’t necessarily matter that he yelled f,c, s, and d-words at a female coworker — that behavior is uhh, creative, no matter the receiving gender — still, it seems worse to me, since she was somewhat less likely punch the f*cker in the face.

So, while we can’t all be Colin — he really was in a league of his own — we can all aspire to Colin-like greatness.

It’s far easier than you think — I’ve met many masters of these techniques who seemed to come by them effortlessly. But for those struggling with some annoying trace of innate decency, I’m here to help!

Follow these tips and perhaps you can be this month’s Monster Schwanz (TM pending)

10. Say I know

Whenever someone gives you useful information — 5pts. You can stack these up to three times — each somewhat more emphatic than the last (+2pts each). A bonus point for a well-timed and almost invisible eye-roll (the key is the almost). The idea is to condescend as much as possible while signaling that you think they are too stupid to notice. You get double the points with a peer in a startup. Way to team build!

9. Posture and Preen

Ask a question in a meeting not because you need the answer, but to show everyone how smart you are. +5 points. If the question is rhetorical and you manage to answer it yourself: +10. This is especially effective for junior programmers — it worked wonders for me early in my career.

8. Shift blame

For software bugs to a co-worker — it’s always the fault of the other guy’s API/library. 2 points. This really comes naturally to most coders, hence the low score. But if you can blame the user? +10 for the additional satisfaction. And while it’s very difficult to attach guilt to a tester, it is possible; +15pts. Use wisely: it got a friend of mine fired when used too often.

7. Never say thank you

Just don’t. 5 points for each surprised look at your roguish, ungrateful charm. A corollary — never share information. This an evergreen combination. Remember: not sharing at all is better play than being condescending while sharing — a rookie mistake.

6. Call a meeting.

10 points. That’s it. Just call a meeting. A power-Schwanz move.

5. Then, Be Late

Always be late to the meeting you called — 2pts for each attendee. 5 bonus points if you then have papers to shuffle and pointedly do so while saying ‘just a minute’. Really, one of my favorites — nothing like leaving a debugging session to work on a mission statement team-building exercise.

4. Obvious Platitudes

In a presentation, have numerous slides with a single meaningless, generic sentence that you then repeat out loud. 2pts per slide, up to a maximum of 10 because by that time everyone will have stopped paying attention at all and will either be surfing their phone or thinking about their PornHub bookmarks. A bonus point if the sentence includes the word stakeholder. Deduct a point if it uses the word synergy — that’s just so 90s, dude.

3. Brag

A lot. Talk about how smart you are (College entrance scores are always popular). Emphasize your advanced degrees and insist on being called Dr, especially if you have a Ph.D. in Sociology or Data Analytics. If you lack sufficient scholastic standing consider these — your wealth, hereditary wealth (+1 bonus points), your vacation in Dubai/Biarritz/Aspen/etc.

I was highly enthused to be told by a peer that I really must spend a week in Dubai, you wouldn’t believe how fabulous it was, followed by a description of a massage he received — thankfully sans happy ending since there wouldn’t be enough Clorox to get that image out of my brain).

Then, you can brag about how much better your code is — or, the inverse, orate on the stupidity of the rest of the team’s code.

When bragging, it is often more effective when you sound like you’re not bragging — a top-line technique here is to tell a story, deprecate yourself, but then mention how the other people in the story were so impressed with your code/intelligence/genital configuration. The look on people’s faces when they realize at the end that the entire point of the story was for you to show how smart you are — priceless.

2. Interrupt. Early and often.

Interrupt when others are speaking to you (2 pts), when they are speaking to someone else (better-5pts), or are coding (5pts per + another 5pts bonus if they have headphones on or their door is shut.)

1. Be named Mark Zuckerberg — no need to count the points — you win.

Note, there are many more effective maneuvers than above — such as Colin’s outstanding techniques, loudly talking about your or (especially) a co-worker’s sexual preferences, or commenting disparagingly on race/ethnicity/gender. Then there is always the possibility of an actual physical altercation. But these tend to overshoot the mark and might get you fired or arrested on the spot. Don’t want that — the goal is to keep the workplace toxic, not exit it.

So stick with my time-tested techniques above to stay out of jail and stay employed just a bit longer.

P.S. If you do get fired, blame it on a*shole management and coworkers, and do try to shift your own winning behavior onto them. This is quite popular in interviews since future employers are always very excited to hear about how horrible everyone else is.

P.P.S. For additional valuable tips, watch Office Space.

Blatant Self-Promotion

If you are into software development articles that are ever-so-slightly more serious, and are in the earlier phases of your career (or still studying) you might find my series on the principles of software engineering of interest. I developed it after witnessing the — shall we say ‘uneven’ — level of material in my daughter’s CS curriculum.