Summary

The article discusses the challenges and importance of setting personal boundaries for emotional, mental, and physical well-being, emphasizing that true boundaries are about self-protection rather than controlling others' behaviors.

Abstract

The concept of setting boundaries is often misunderstood, leading to either avoidance or misuse. The author shares their personal struggle with boundary-setting, linking it to a history of people-pleasing and fear. The article clarifies that boundaries are not about dictating others' actions but rather about protecting oneself. The author reflects on their own experience in an unfulfilling marriage and career, where a lack of boundaries led to personal harm. The narrative underscores the transformative power of understanding and implementing healthy boundaries, which empower individuals to prioritize their well-being and make choices that foster self-respect and personal freedom. The article concludes with the author's realization that setting boundaries is about controlling one's own responses and actions, not others', and how this shift in mindset can lead to a more fulfilling life.

Opinions

Boundaries are often associated with fear due to a lack of understanding about their true purpose.
People-pleasers, in particular, may struggle with setting boundaries because it conflicts with their desire to avoid conflict or displeasure.
Boundaries are frequently confused with attempts to control others' behaviors, which is not their intended purpose.
Healthy boundaries are essential for protecting one's emotional, mental, and physical health.
The author believes that the inability to set proper boundaries can lead to long-term negative consequences in personal relationships and professional life.
An epiphany about the nature of boundaries can lead to significant personal growth and the ability to make difficult but necessary life changes.
The author advocates for a focus on personal actions and responses when setting boundaries, rather than trying to change others.
Setting boundaries is linked to increased self-respect and personal freedom.
The author emphasizes that while setting boundaries may not always be easy, it is a skill that can be developed and refined over time.

Why Are Boundaries So Hard To Set and Even Harder To Keep?

Reframing how you feel about boundaries may make them easier to set and keep

Boundaries. The word itself evokes a wide range of emotions and tends to be something people either cling to or run away from.

For most of my life, I’ve been horrible at setting boundaries. The thought of drawing a line in the sand causes a fear response in my nervous system. To my core, I have been a people pleaser who struggles with boundaries.

I’ve realized that most of my fear and angst surrounding boundaries stem from a lack of understanding. Had I known how to shift my perspective and erect genuine boundaries, my life would have looked different.

I wouldn’t have spent 25 years in an unfulfilling marriage that became detrimental to my health. I wouldn’t have worked myself into early retirement in my career had I understood one simple truth about properly setting a boundary.

Maybe my late-in-life boundary epiphany will help others to push past their fear and utilize healthy boundaries in their lives.

What a boundary is not.

Setting boundaries induces fear in many because we don’t understand what a boundary is. The flip side is also true. People who love setting boundaries tend to do so for the wrong reasons.

The purpose of a boundary isn’t to control someone’s behavior. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean dictating what someone else can or can’t do. Here’s an example.

An addict might tell a friend, “Because I’m an addict, I can’t have you using drugs or drinking anymore.” The basis of that statement is to control the other person’s behavior for their benefit.

Another example would be someone telling their partner or spouse, “You can’t call me names or speak disrespectfully to me. I won’t stand for it.” This is, again, a perfect example of an attempt to control someone’s actions.

A boundary also isn’t an ultimatum that we make. At its root, an ultimatum puts the responsibility on the other person rather than ourselves.

An example of an ultimatum masquerading as a boundary would be an employee who is triggered by political talk telling a coworker that the employee handbook forbids the staff from talking about politics and that if they continue to do it, they’ll be reported to the HR department.

It’s clear from this example that the responsibility is placed on both the coworker and the HR manager to keep the employee from feeling triggered.

The above illustrations are commonly recognized as boundary setting examples, yet all of them miss the mark. So what is a boundary, and how do we go about setting one?

Setting healthy boundaries

The sole purpose of a boundary is to protect us. To set a boundary is to draw an imaginary line around ourselves to ensure we are kept safe. Whether the safety is emotional, mental, or physical, we set boundaries so that we can protect ourselves.

For years, I told my former husband I needed him to be more engaged and connected with me. I told him what I needed him to do physically and emotionally so that I could feel safe and fulfilled. And, for 25 years, he failed to do the things I asked for.

They say the definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing while hoping for a different outcome. For far too many years, I resembled that remark.

The second time I contemplated taking my life, I finally realized it wasn’t him who needed to change. I needed to be the one making decisions that prioritized my well-being. Rather than being in bondage to his lack of investment in our marriage, I suddenly recognized that I had the power to change.

The mark of a healthy boundary is that it is focused on the person setting the boundary. What I wished I would have done in my marriage, long before our divorce, was to say, “if you continue to choose to be aloof and disengaged in our marriage, I’m going to remove myself so that I can protect my mental health.”

Put another way; boundaries are parameters we use to make it clear to ourselves (and others) what we will and won’t tolerate. The other person is free to behave however they choose, and we have clarified what we will do to keep ourselves protected and healthy.

Clear boundaries are intended to protect us and should focus on what we can control. And all we can control is ourselves and our responses. We can’t make others do the things that we think we need them to.

Boundaries bring freedom

When we grasp the reality that we can choose to protect ourselves, we’ve unlocked the door to personal freedom.

In the same way that good communication suggests that we make “I” statements rather than “you” statements, setting boundaries means we focus on our actions and reactions.

As we shift our focus from what the other person is or isn’t doing to what we will do to keep ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy, we find our personal power.

For instance, we can’t stop a misogynistic relative from making sexist or degrading comments at family dinners, but we can permit ourselves not to attend the dinner. In doing so, we may be misunderstood or maligned, but we will have chosen to invest in ourselves rather than be subjected to verbal abuse.

Recently, I heard a popular writer say that the last person we should disappoint is ourselves. So many of us, myself included, have made a habit of not disappointing others to the detriment of ourselves. I don’t wish to do that anymore.

Boundaries facilitate self-respect

Setting boundaries can be a fear-inducing practice, but shifting our mindset and understanding the true nature of boundary setting will help to embolden us.

Because I’m a people pleaser, telling someone else to stop or change their behavior is not something I choose to put myself through. It’s too uncomfortable and brings too much fear. But knowing I can set a boundary that focuses on my response feels completely different.

When I finally left my marriage — something my former husband never thought I would do — I felt a rush of freedom and release. It felt empowering to stand up for myself, and with each conversation, the fear I had long felt lessened.

Setting boundaries means we respect ourselves enough to make hard choices. It means we shift our focus from controlling someone else’s behavior to allowing ourselves to respond healthily.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that my epiphany made boundary-setting a breeze in every situation. But focusing on my actions has made it much more comfortable, and I’m finding greater success in setting and keeping boundaries.