HUMOR

How To Be Sad

Trust me, I’m an expert

Want to know the secret to living a life of misery? Tired of people sharing their views on how to live the good life?

I know what you’re thinking. There aren’t enough people showing you ways to be unhappy.

A quick google search will show you there are 5 billion results for “how to be happy” and only 1 billion results for “how to be sad”.

And the kicker? Most of the “how to be sad” articles try to make you happy!

My business degree (*flex) tells me this is an underserved market.

Well, don’t worry buddy, I got you!

If the path to success is failure, then the path to happiness is unhappiness. — Kevin Lee (Idiot/Genius on Medium)

Without further ado, here are 6 foolproof ways to find misery.

Read the News

I only discovered this in my twenties. I spent far too much time in my youth enjoying myself, making friends and playing video games.

I was always bored watching the news and thought it was for old people (25+). Well, it is for old people. Now in my 30s, I never realised how much pain I left on the table by ignoring the news for so long.

To see the injustice in the world really makes me despise humanity, or the lack of it.

Yes, tell me more about the atrocious crimes being committed by people, organisations and governments alike.

Remind me how broken the system is.

Now I can’t get enough of it and it is making me miserable every day.

It’s working! I feel worse already.

Go on Social Media

Maybe you already get your daily dose of news and that isn’t enough to get you down in the dumps. Your tolerance is high my friend.

Back in my day, we used to have magazines. These were real, tangible publications that could make you feel inadequate. Particularly if you were a young, impressionable female.

In the past there were only a handful of impossible-to-achieve body ideals. Now there are even more. Representation has increased but the beauty standards have never been so high.

Damn you K-pop idols for making me look like a mashed potato.

Social media like Instagram is on a whole other scale. Social media achieves what magazines could only dream of.

Magazines used to photoshop supermodels and celebrities. Now anyone can alter the way they look with simple filters.

Equality at its finest.

The internet is democratizing Photoshop. Yay!

And yes, nothing screams “unfair” louder than seeing the popular kids get even more popular. Huzzah!

Become a Content Creator and Seek External Validation

Don’t feel sad enough yet?

Pour your heart and soul into projects that no one will ever find or see.

Spend a week, month or year working on something that no one really cares about. Start crafting things you believe to be “art”.

If your art is writing, why not write about the things you care the most about, your deepest insecurities and your dreams? Really reflect on what is important to you and share that with the world.

And watch the tumbleweeds roll by.

Chase the validation of others. Get those likes, follows and shares.

Refresh those stats and scratch your head, wondering why people don’t care.

Pick Something You Suck At

Still not unhappy? Try playing video games where teenagers dominate.

You will learn the meaning of futile. This will help you understand how powerless you are and how you will never be as good as them.

The worst part? The players that beat you aren’t even average!

Super random and imperfect example: Remember when you were 9 years old and the school bully just sat on you? And, no matter how hard you fought, you just couldn’t get their fat ass off you? Yeah, me neither…

But I imagine you would get overwhelmed and claustrophobic quite easily when you compete with people out of your league.

Create Lose/Lose Situations

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

These are the real ball/ovary busters.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you will end up losing.

Some results are predetermined but not all of them.

The problem is you’ll rarely know if it is or it isn’t.

When approached for advice, you could give your advice. If it backfires, it’s on you. If you don’t say anything then you’re not helping.

Want to give a balanced opinion with caveats? Do you even have a real opinion or any conviction you spineless K-pop wannabe? (Fun fact: My posture is terrible)

Surround Yourself with Miserable People

These are your mentors of misery.

Don’t know why you should be annoyed about something as trivial as a door knob? These people will show you the way.

The true masters of misery utilise infallible logic. Everything they say makes sense. Their negativity is lethal.

These are no amateurs.

They are able to reframe themselves as the victim in every scenario.

Global health crisis? “But, why should that affect my life?”

If change is the only constant, and change makes you miserable, then misery becomes constant. — Kevin Lee (Idiot/Genius on Medium)

If you can, you should live with these people. Spend as much time with them as possible, in the smallest space as possible. Eventually they will start hating you as well and you will truly understand how unhappy you can be.

Alternatively, if you want to be happy and boring like everyone else, just do the opposite :)

Mental health is no joke. Treat yourself and others with kindness, and try not to take everything so damn seriously.