How To Be More Confident, No Quick-Fixes Included

Have the courage to say what you mean and mean what you say.

Confidence isn’t about standing up straight with shoulders back. It’s not about deepening your voice nor perfecting your smile. The age-old advice to act confident until you are confident is just that — fake.

In my experience, you don’t be confident. You grow confident. And in my life, there’s been only one gateway to that growth:

Honesty.

What is confidence?

I played the ‘confidence game’ for many years. As a student, I was known for being self-assured, willing to take control, and even flirtatious. People thought me confident.

I knew how to smile at the right times, say the right things, and be likable. I could get what I wanted. But not because I was confident. It was an act — I’d instrumentalize performed confidence as a tool. Beneath the veil, I was insecure, self-preserving, and scared.

Contrary to the common intuition, my performance never transformed into the real deal. I never became truly confident through my act. Because acted confidence isn’t real. Acting confident makes you skilled at acting, not at being confident.

Things changed for me when I started dating my girlfriend. To have a real relationship, I had to start being honest with her. Which meant dropping the act.

When the curtains closed and I took her backstage, she saw my truth. I was insecure. My supposed confidence was an iron curtain shielding a fragile ego. Behind the smiles and well-placed words was a scared boy, whose words caught in his throat when it came time to be vulnerable.

How to be confident

I was lucky, though. Because my girlfriend and I wanted a healthy relationship, we built it on three pillars: honesty, communication, and openness. With this foundation, we were motivated to be honest about ourselves, our past, our mistakes, and our flaws. Our principle became:

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

And that made all the difference. Not just for our relationship, but for my confidence.

I can’t overstate how difficult and scary this was. When something came to mind that I’d want my girlfriend to know, I’d try to say it. But if it put me in a bad light, there’d be resistance.

It was as if my ego, in a defiant act of self-preservation, would do everything in its power to keep the words trapped in my throat. I’d get confused, and struggle to hold onto the words as my heart raced. I’d get scared, convinced that I was about to ruin the relationship.

But I’d committed to honesty and I wouldn’t give in. I’d force the words out of my mind and into the world, trusting my girlfriend with them. And (critically), she’d accept my truth every time, just as I’d accept hers.

Over time, this practice changed everything. I adapted to honesty and vulnerability. I got used to being flawed. I sunk into the imperfection I am, not the perfection I’d scripted. I accepted myself.

It’s funny. The more I did that, the more confident I became. And now, for the first time in my life, it was for real.

Use Honesty To Grow Confidence

Embracing vulnerability and imperfection takes bravery. Being straight-up about pain, fear, and frustration takes courage. But that courage is how you get to self-acceptance, the key driver of real confidence.

We have a harder time accepting our own flaws than we do the flaws of others. We hide from ourselves, convinced of the shame of our imperfection. Yet we accept our friends for who they are, flaws and all. Think back to teenagehood, when your acne was world-ending shame while your friend’s pulsing pimples were of no interest at all.

But looking inwards with an honest eye and accepting what you find is the first step to genuine confidence. The second is to share what you find with someone you trust. The third is to say what you mean, and mean what you say, in more conversations.

As you practice honesty, you’ll find that you can widen the circle of people with whom you say what you mean:

Partners,
Close Friends,
Acquaintances,
Strangers,
Family,
Co-workers,
The world (through the internet).

And as you get comfortable speaking truth to strangers, family, co-workers, and the world at large, you’ll start to find that you never had anything to hide.

Gradually, the reasons for fear and self-preservation fade away. There’s nothing left to hide. You’re still insecure. But you’ve grown used to sharing that insecurity with others, whom you learn are also insecure.

Once you’re an open book, saying what you mean to everyone, you’ll necessarily be confident. Because now, to be yourself is easy. And what else could confidence be?

Last Words

If you want to be confident, follow this roadmap:

Be brave — brave enough to look inwards and be honest about what you find.
Accept yourself—be willing to accept your findings, however ugly.
Share honestly — Have the courage to speak to someone about your truth. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Adapt — Speak your truth to a widening circle — from friends and family to strangers and co-workers.
Become — As you bare your insecurities and flaws by default, your confidence grows.