How to be happy when you least expect it
Discover how to define and shape your own happiness, even in the midst of the most unexpected moments.
by: E.B. Johnson
Happiness is a funny thing. From the moment we are born it becomes an instant obsession, and one that we often chase until death. We consult friends, family and millions of self-help articles and books on the topic each day, yet happiness still seems to allude so many of us. Why? Is it because this world is such an unhappy place? Or, do we just fail to see the opportunities for happiness that lurk all around us?
Life is an unpredictable journey, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to be happy in its most abject moments. True happiness isn’t something that occurs when your bank account hits a certain limit, and it’s not something that happens just because you meditate for an hour each day. Real and lasting happiness occurs when we drop our expectations and start defining our own lives, but that’s a journey on its own and one that can reveal some startling truths.
What is happiness?
In order to truly tap into the wellspring of internal happiness within you, you first have to familiarize yourself with the concept of happiness and define it. Happiness is defined by the dictionary as “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment,” but it’s a far more complex emotion than that.
More than just a feeling, happiness is a set of perceptions, recollections and multiple emotional responses that vary from situation and person. Our happiness isn’t just a single snapshot of “feeling good”. It’s a global assessment of our lives and our place within the world we’ve created for ourselves.
If you think that’s a little vague — there’s a reason for it. Happiness looks different to every single one of us. In order to truly discover what makes you happy, you have to take this definition and apply it to your life in way that allows you to tap into your authentic joy. In other words, you have to take this definition and expand it to fit your own life’s narrative. No one knows what makes you happy but you, so you have to sit down and figure out what that happiness looks like.
Why are we so obsessed with being happy?
We’re a people obsessed with being happy. No matter where you turn, there’s some book or corporation promising you the secret to happiness, but we feel more misterable than ever why? Why are we so obsessed with this idea of being happy?
On the superficial level, it’s because being happy makes us feel good. Happiness inspires a whole slew of other emotions, and these emotions can range from pleasure and joy to elation and excitement. Happiness makes our hearts swell and our souls quake. It makes us giddy and it makes us feel exhilarated. There are other reasons we find ourselves trapped in a happiness obsession, however, and not all of them are equally as pleasant.
We often confuse happiness with pleasure (a side effect of happiness), and this can cause us to find ourselves stuck on a “hedonic treadmill”. The hedonic treadmill is a trap that leaves you chasing superficial happiness that is strictly contained outside of yourself. Pleasure is visceral and in-the-moment, but it’s not a stable state. True happiness on the other hand, sticks around for longer than a fleeting second. It’s a state of existence, and one that can only be tapped into by you.
How to be happy when you least expect it.
No matter where we might be at in our lives, we can tap into happiness and joy that is both internal and external. We have to learn what really makes us happy, however, and we have to do it in a way that is in line with our authentic selves. Define your own happiness by adopting these simple techniques, and learn how to be happy even in the hardest and most unexpected of moments.
1. Break out of your comfort zone
If you’ve found yourself unhappy where you’re at in life, it’s critical that you get out of your comfort zone in order to get back in touch with the things that add meaning to your existence. The only way to grow is by branching out, but that takes some radical bravery on your part.
Find a quiet place and take a few minutes to think about where you are and where you want to go. If you’re unhappy with how things are in this moment, ask yourself why. Then, ask yourself what actions you could take to turn that unhappiness into happiness.
Get creative, and know how to spot the patterns that are keeping you trapped, stuck and afraid. Make a plan of action and enlist the help of trusted friends if you need to. Realize that there is no single way to be happy, and there’s no one single way to go about trying new things. Push yourself a little outside your comfort zone each day until you feel comfortable (and happy) with the uncertainties of day-to-day living.
2. Celebrate your achievements (big and small)
Life can be a real drag, and it’s easy to get caught up in all the little details of our busy and hectic schedules. The problem with this, however, is that we often lose sight of the millions of little wins and victories we score each day — an overwhelming factor behind our unhappiness.
Take a few minutes every day to zero-in on the small wins in your life, and then take some time to celebrate them. Record them in a journal, or share them with a friend. Don’t shy away from the tiniest of victories, and acknowledge what it took from you to achieve even the smallest of wins.
We’ve all done amazing and fantastic things in our lives, but we lose sight of those wins in the thousands of perceived “defeats” we experience each day. If you want to overcome this and learn how to be happy in even the most unexpected moments, learn how to celebrate your achievements (no matter how small) and do so with wild and reckless abandon.
3. Add 3 points of joy
There are big ways that we can increase the happiness in our lives and there are small ways. Both can be equally powerful when you utilize them in the correct spaces in your life. If you’re looking for a faster way to boost your happiness in the midst of stress (or more chaos than usual) it’s worthing trying the practice of minimal incorporation — to ease yourself into the waters of a better tomorrow.
Kickstart your increased joy by leaning into the little and simple things that make you happy. Consider the small things in your life that bring you joy. Now, try to incorporate at least 3 of those things into your day each.
This can be as simple as taking 15 minutes to draw quietly in your car in-between shifts at work. Or, it could look like treating yourself to a candy bar or that totally bougie flavored water you never let yourself splurge on. Find 3 ways to make yourself unexpectedly happy during the day, and you’ll find that you have more unexpected happiness in your life. Stop looking for life to hand you joy, and build it into the experience yourself.
4. Let go of things you can’t control
More often than not we are the authors of our own unhappiness, and we manage this through pursuing things that aren’t meant for us and trying desperately to control every aspect of our lives. The problem with this method, however, is that it sets us up for failure. We are the only controllable aspect of our environment. Until you let go of your need to control everything else, you’re going to struggle.
Stop beating yourself up over things you can’t control and take a step back to consider all the things you have managed to accomplish in your life. Leave the negative self-talk on the sideline and accept the mistakes. Focus on the things you did well and clarify the decisions, skills and outlooks that allowed you to get in that headspace of achievement or success. Let go of the people, places and things that don’t suit your happiness or the life you’re trying to build.
Detaching from or need to control is powerful, and it’s transformative too. When we let this need go, our eyes are opened to new opportunities and we are better able to realize our strengths. Clinging our need to control others, or desperately trying to micromanage our environments, only leads to heartbreak. Create space in your life (and in your mind) by releasing the people and the opportunities that don’t suit you.
5. Pick your battles wisely
A happy life is not one that is free of confrontation, but it is one in which you know which battles to avoid and which conflicts are worth engaging in. One of the simplest ways you can increase your happiness in the least expected moments is by learning how to pick your battles wisely, and avoid the negative exchanges of energy that undermine, demean or otherwise destroy the sense of path and purpose that you’re working so hard to create.
When you find yourself facing a potential confrontation, step back and try to look at it from an outside perspective. Consider what the cause of the conflict is, then consider what the best (and worst) possible outcomes are. Weigh those outcomes against your ideal, and then consider if it’s going to contribute to your pursuit of that ideal. If not, consider the fact that it’s not worth spending your energy on at all.
Becoming a person who can make yourself happy will lead to conflicts of interest and conflicts of personality in your life. Knowing who you are, and knowing what you want (two key components of both picking battles wisely and becoming happier) will set you at odds against those who are still lost and searching. Hold tight to your values and your vision of the future. Don’t let your boundaries slip because of someone else’s hangups and heartache. Only invest time and energy in things that align with your ultimate goal. Anything else is a waste.
6. Stop the judgement
Only when we learn how to accept and love ourselves (and the way we feel and react to the environment around us) can we truly unlock the power of our happiness. We all have our baggage and the experiences that define who we are in the moment, but that person is always changing. In order to find true and lasting joy in this life — no matter what circumstances we’re in — we have to learn how to accept ourselves as we are and make ourselves a priority.
Let go of all the judgements and preconceived notions you have about yourself and others. Remind yourself that the only behavior within the realm of your control is your own, and own up to that behavior and the things that drove you to those points. Embrace who you are, and embrace what you really want. No one in this universe is the combination of things that you are. Love those things, and see the beauty in them and the purpose for their creation.
If there’s something you don’t like about yourself — make a plan to change it — but only after looking it boldly in the face and accepting it for what it is. Acceptance is the key to all change and understanding, but it is often the hardest hurdle to overcome. Only when we accept something that is within our nature can we dig into the meat of it and come up with a plan to change or transform it. Spend a few minutes each day practicing this radical self-acceptance, and look to build it into your regular routine.
7. Make yourself a priority
Self-reliance is key to finding happiness, but it’s something we can only cultivate by making ourselves a priority. Making yourself a priority isn’t about just getting a massage once a month. It’s much, much more than that. This kind of self-reliance and self-respect only happens when we learn how to be our own best friends, and stick up for our needs and desires.
You have to start taking responsibility for your own needs. On a regular basis, find a quiet space and spend some time alone getting familiar with what you want, and what’s required to make you feel as though this whole life thing is worthwhile. You can journal it, or just take the opportunity to get used to saying these things out loud to yourself. Before you can meet your own needs, you have to admit to them and recognize them for what they are.
Fall in love with yourself. Become your own best friend and re-discover those powerful qualities about yourself that draw others in, or inspire them to love you the way you should love yourself.Dig really deep, and even find the power to turn your insecurities inside out. There’s a silver lining to everything when we have the courage to consider it, and that extends to those things we don’t like about ourselves or are unsure of. Lean into yourself and realize that you are enough, and you are strong enough to carry the weight of your own life and your own joy.
Putting it all together…
The world we live in today is frantic, and it seems to be getting more frantic by the day. Between endless news cycles and the stress and pressure of maintaining your own responsibilities, it’s easy to get bogged-down, burned-out and depressed. We can learn to be happy again, however, and we can learn to do so even when we least expect it.
Break out of your comfort zone and move away from the things that are keeping you stuck, stagnant and scared. When we’re unhappy, or looking to add more joy into our lives, it’s most often because we’re spending too much time focusing on the wrong things. Be real and honest about what you want, and celebrate your victories — big and small. Life is hard, and it’s made harder when we don’t allow ourselves the space to be happy. Jump-start your journey to joy by adding 3 simple things which increase your happiness and excitement each day. Get creative. These things don’t have to be big, expensive or even take that much time out of your day. Drop your judgement and start picking your battles wisely. Life is too short to spend our time giving our energy away to other people that aren’t invested in our dreams. Make yourself a priority and let go of the things in the life you can’t control if you truly want to be happy again.
