How to Be Fluent in the Language of Love
Change your mindset to become a better partner
Love is a mess.
Sometimes we think we understand what it means, but it slips through our fingers or hits us right in the face. Sometimes, we’re lost but it somehow feels easy.
Nobody has the final definition of what it means yet we all wish to discover it. It’s ugly and beautiful. It’s hurtful and feels good. It’s simple yet complicated.
It’s also a language and I love languages. I’m even fluent in a few. And I’m getting closer to fluency in the language of love as well. Why?
Because fluency in the language of love is as simple a process as for any other language.
Take your time
It took more than a decade to become fluent in my mother tongue. It then took me years of classes and one intensive year of TV shows to become fluent in English. It also took 10 years to become fluent in Japanese.
I started all those languages like everybody. Knowing nothing about them. Yet, with constant study and practice, I became better and eventually reached fluency in those.
How could you expect to speak the language of love if you’ve never experienced it before? Right. You can’t.
When I was in kindergartner, I was in love with every girl I saw. When I first got a girlfriend, I suddenly couldn’t imagine my life without her. Two weeks later, she broke up and gave me no choice but to imagine it.
I had long-distance relationships. Ones with people of the same background and country. Other ones with people of a different culture. Some were serious, some weren’t. Some lasted for a while, some didn’t.
Now, as a soon-to-be 30 man, I know they were all part of the path to becoming fluent in the language of love. I’ve achieved a lot but I’ve also made tons of mistakes.
Becoming fluent takes time. Don’t rush nor try to be perfect. Nobody speaks any language perfectly anyway. Why would this one be different?
You need errors to help you see the path.
Make mistakes
If there’s one major pitfall to avoid, it’s to believe you don’t have the right to make mistakes. If you could, you wouldn’t make any mistake in any area of your life. No. It’s impossible to avoid mistakes.
And be happy about it! Mistakes make us grow. Mistakes teach us more than successes.
Take a break to think of 3 “negatives” things about your relationship with your ex. Now do the same but look for “positive” things. Which one was easier to remember?
I’ve done mistakes in the past. Too many. I stuck too long in a relationship that didn’t work. I manipulated someone to make her fall for me. (I’ll let you guess how long that lasted.) I lied. I cheated. I ignored messages.
I’m not proud of any. But I remember them at least.
We remember what we messed up. These times stick with us. They teach us what not to do again and what to do better next time.
To be fluent doesn’t mean to not make mistakes. It means to recognize them and learn from them.
Don’t ignore your past relationships. Learn from them and become a better speaker of this beautiful language.
Communicate
The biggest mistake I’ve done in my last relationship was to not communicate. How ironic that a polyglot didn’t communicate, right?
When I broke up with my ex, she gave a solution to our lack of communication about difficult stuff. I listened and heard in my head “Damn that’s a good idea”. And then I ignored it. I had made my decision before the “conversation” and I was afraid of negotiations.
Ask anybody fluent in more than one language and they’ll praise using the language daily. Most people will thank communication for their fast improvement in a language.
And yet, we don’t put communication at the center of our quest to become fluent in love.
Open and honest communication is the best way to learn. Just like any other language, you don’t just need to improve your capacity to talk.
You also need to learn to listen and to understand the other party, your partner.
Love isn’t a language for you alone. It’s a language shared, with its own specific culture for each couple. It evolves with time and through countless discussions and experiences.
Listen. Talk. Listen some more and talk some more. There isn’t such a thing as “too much communication”.
You’re only starting
Too many people think that because I’m fluent in English or Japanese, I don’t make mistakes anymore. They’re dead wrong. I’m even willing to bet there’ll be at least one unnatural sentence in this story!
Fluency isn’t a treasure hidden deep in the sea, that once you get it, you have it. It’s the top of a hill of a mountain you’re climbing. By the time you reach the hill’s top, you see the mountain still goes way higher. The path is still far from over.
My last relationship is the one that taught me the most. Before I started it, I thought I had already learned all I needed about relationships. I realized I hadn’t. I didn’t know what it meant to truly be in love. To say “I love you” and have every inch of your body and mind mean it.
That relationship is now over but I’ve grown thanks to it. I also know that, even though I’m almost fluent in the language of love, I still have loads to learn. I will always have more to learn.
Learn. Get better at loving. Discover what you want in a partner. Understand what you have to offer.
And then learn some more.
Whether we admit it or not, we all want to love and be loved. We want it but don’t make any effort to learn the language of love.
Start now. Learn and live it. Make mistakes and keep improving. Become fluent and then keep learning with your partner.
It’s the journey that matters but it’s a more pleasant one when accompanied.
