How To Be…Eh, Who Gives A Shit

Go from 5k to couch in no time

All this baloney self-help and how-to crap is exhausting. Tuning in to social media to see how great everyone else’s life is, then comparing your worthless life is about the worst thing you can do. Probably. Social media is like a tumor on society’s little brown puckerknuckle.

Gross.

We spend so much time focused on improving our lives that our stress levels are enough to counteract all the benefits. Is it healthy to worry yourself to death over how many cubic tons of sugar you eat a day? About how many dozens of steps you get?

Stop worrying about it. Live every day like it’s your last because it just might be. In fact it probably is. I say embrace your sense of impending doom.

So, if you’re like me and have plainly run out of fucks to give, here are some tips to help you enjoy your last days on earth.

Stop brushing your teeth No one wants to kiss your rapidly decaying muppet mug anyway. This teethpaste nonsense is merely a conspiracy to sell more teethpaste and put poor dentists out of business. Plus, I’ve read that potential romantic partners are attracted to the natural oral musk that emanates from decaying denticles and gum disease.

Quit going to the gym Who do you think you are? Captain fucking America? By trying to be healthy all you’re doing is making everyone else feel bad about themselves. Instead of being above the fray, how’s about you join it you fucking overachiever? Keep your sweatpants on and stay home like the rest of us.

Add pastrami and butter to your morning smoothie Maybe a couple garlic cloves, too. This will keep your belly and arteries full for way longer than only fruit and yogurt. Bonus: it may provide the added benefit of making you sound like a goombah from Hoboken.

Don’t wait to tell people to fuck off Sometimes we beat around the bush because we don’t want to hurt any feelings. The truth is you need to tell them to fuck off now. No need to be nice and string them along when you really hope they fall down the stairs through a window and roll into traffic.

Stop procrastinating and take a nap You deserve it. You’ve done, what, like 15 minutes of work today? Come on, it’s lunch time. Kick your feet up and chill out. Fire up some Candy Crush and really hate yourself. No need to do more work in less time. That’s for those annoying doers.

Worrying keeps your problems away I know you like to panic and worry about every little thing, and I want you to know it’s working. Keep up the good work. Everything you worry about will surely never happen. The more you worry the less potential exists for those worries to come to fruition.

Don’t even bother sleeping This goes along with worrying. You don’t really need to function tomorrow. That presentation or term paper won’t do you any good in the long run, so just have another Red Bull and play some more Halo. Do yourself a favor and start worrying about not getting enough sleep right now. By the way, where is your passport? Do you even know? How about your birth certificate?

Keep your step count low Whoa there, cowboy, slow down. You don’t wanna get your heart all poundy-like. After all, your ticker only has so many beats in her. Don’t wanna waste them on something as trivial as walking around. Take it easy and keep your steps under a thousand each day. It’s for your health.

Just give up I mean it. Just fucking give up already. You’re never going to accomplish anything. Nobody cares. Life is a pointless trudge towards inevitable despair and nothingness, so don’t even bother to finish the article you’re…

I want you to know that you’re okay the way you are, even if you’re a smoldering shit sandwich in a dumpster in the alley behind a 1970s disaster movie. I love you anyway, you crayon-eating motherfucker.