How To Be Charming Without Too Much Effort

There are simple ways to improve your odds that people like you as soon as you walk into a room.

Charmers. The people that can walk into a room filled with strangers and leave with new friends, a lunch date for the next day, and promises of introducing them to an industry insider.

Their skills seem unparalleled to those who have to work so hard to even make a connection with a single individual or shirk at the idea of attending an event. For the longest time, you look at these charmers and think that you need to have social grace and a crazy amount of charisma in order to get the results they get.

The reality is that’s not true. It’s actually boiled down to a science that several studies have uncovered.

Over the years, these factors have been uncovered and accurately determine what our odds are of getting along with other people, and the impression we leave on them.

These factors begin even before people utter the first word to each other.

In fact, research shows that people make judgement calls over someone’s likeability, trustworthiness and competence after seeing their face for under a tenth of a second.

While that seems like a rash decision, the reality is we do this all of the time. Consider voting for political leaders. We don’t know the person entirely — aside from their platform — and yet we’ve got to make those decisions.

There are even studies that looked at competence in leadership and predicting elections that are run in Bulgaria and Mexico. The biggest factor that those studies reveal is that we make those snap judgements based on facial characteristics.

On a smaller scale, one experiment looked at how a person’s face can influence financial decisions too. In it, borrowers who were pegged as less trustworthy were not likely to get loans on lending sites. How these lenders made that judgement was based on the clothes that they were wearing. This is despite the fact they had the borrower's employment and credit history right there in front of them.

So what can you do to improve your chances that people will like you more? Here are some suggestions.

Have A Happy Face

We’re not able to control the physical features of our face naturally, however, we can alter our expressions and smile. Case and point, Alexander Todorov, a professor of psychology at Princeton, found that the happier someone’s face is, the more trustworthy it is by default.

This is on top of a warmer and more sociable demeanour.

Even with a smiling expression, first impressions can still fall flat of course. That said, it is still possible to get over that initial snap judgement the other person has of you.

The key to that is for them to get to know you more. Better, if you’re able to impress them in some fashion. When people get more information about you, they will change the way they perceive you, even if that view was initially negative.

Then Work Your Own Charm

Charm can be boiled down to how likeable you are as a person. In essence, how nice you are to interact with, the more charm you have.

Being likable does take work as it relies on your own social skills. However, the pay-offs are well worth it. In the entrepreneur world, those with better social skills have better odds of success. Employees who are also well-liked have an easier time getting their way at work too.

Another study pointed out that internal auditors that were liked and provided structured arguments were more likely to have managers agree with their proposals.

All in all, our interpersonal skills have started to grow in importance in workplaces as businesses have started to throw away the old and hierarchical structures that we’ve had in the workplace for decades.

It turns out, the title of your position doesn’t matter and what does is whether you’re a decent human being or not.

Raise Your Eyebrows

Because we make snap judgements all of the time, our actions towards other people need to be thought of to some degree and acted upon. When it comes to charm, your goal is to be approachable and warm and how to convey that is through three signals.

These signals register in people that you’re not a threat and that you’re available to talk:

• An eyebrow flash — a quick up and down movement of the eyebrows
• A slight head tilt
• And a smile.

Strike Up A Conversation About Them

Once you’ve gotten someone’s attention, the next thing is to make people feel good about themselves. If you can do that, then they’ll like you.

How to do this comes down to two things:

• Getting the person to talk about themselves. Or at the very least don’t talk about yourself from the start.
• Show genuine interest in what the other person is saying.

Like characters in a movie, we find the good characters more fascinating and interesting the more that we learn about them. Beyond that, you’d also show interest in their mannerisms and personality.

If all else fails, you can always focus on their irises. Maintaining that level of eye contact gives the impression of interest as well.

In terms of conversation, empathic statements are great ways for people to open up to other people. Remarking on someone’s current feelings can result in them sharing information and striking up a conversation.

For people that you know to a degree, you can find a way for people to flatter themselves rather than dishing out direct flattery.

But Don’t Forget To Contribute A Little As Well

The reason to not talk about yourself at first is a bad idea is that it comes off as selfish. That you’re indifferent to getting to know someone else and that you want to talk about your problems or your life.

People don’t really like to be another person’s therapist in most situations.

At the same time this is happening, no one wants to be the only one contributing to the conversation either. Sure it feels nice for them to be talking about themselves. But soon they’ll want to know more about you.

Because people are curious about that, you can always make a point of contributing a little to the conversation by divulging a little about yourself.

Think of them as bread crumbs for the other person. These act as curiosity hooks that keep people’s interests going. If they’re interested in you, they’ll ask.

That technique is ideal rather than dumping a lot of information onto people. This can put people off.

Work To Find Common Ground

Even when there is a difference in opinion, one way to create a solid foundation is through finding common ground. People do like spending time with other people that have similar interests.

What often isn’t discussed though is you only need to find one aspect to find common ground with someone for a friendship to bloom. Even if there are diverging opinions, people can come together over something so small.

One of the things that is encouraged when you do run into differences of opinion is to have an open mind. While it first it might seem like you completely disagree with someone, upon careful examination, there might be some things you do agree on, even if it’s on principle.

Furthermore, finding common ground can also mean staying up to date with the latest events, and industry news.

You can even find common ground through other means such as:

• Contemporaneously (We both live in the same province/state)
• Temporally (I’d love to visit where the area you’re from some time)
• Vicariously (I know someone who works in your area)

Look At Their Body

More specifically, their overall posture. One trait to being liked more is to mirror the body language of the other person. When people are conversing, mirroring one another is a signal that they have a good rapport with one another.

This technique also helps in boosting the longevity of friendships.

Focus On Personal Information If You Need To Get To Know Someone Fast

In some situations, you may find yourself needing to get to know someone really fast. In that case, there isn’t a huge need to look at body language, engage in flattery, or look to find common ground.

Instead, to progress the relationship along faster, you go right into divulging personal information. There are three techniques that are ideal for this:

• Using presumptive statements. These often lead to confirmations or corrections in your statements and allows you to follow up from that information.
• Using quid pro quo, exchanging personal details about your life leads to the other person sharing theirs.
• If all else fails, merely being around the person can result in people opening up. If they see you on a regular basis, people start to open up little by little.

Being a charmer comes down to putting in a bit of effort to engage in conversation and being a friendly individual. For anyone, if you sharpen your social skills to note these things, then you’ll be able to make friends and open up new opportunities easier and more naturally.

If you found this article helpful, subscribe to my email list here and receive emails whenever I publish on Medium! Or if you’re new to Medium and wish to support my work, consider being a Medium member and get access to all current posts from me and hundreds of other writers!