How to Be Charismatic, Even If You Are Ugly
Actionable steps to help you become more charismatic
This won’t be one of those “social hacks” you see all over the place, promising you that if you talk slower and fix your posture, you will become the most charismatic person in the room.
No, this article will cover the real ways one gets charisma, and the truth is that it will take time and it won’t be simple.
Before we get to the tactics, let’s break that misconception that when it comes to charisma, it’s all about the looks.
For the last couple of years, there has been this great misconception that charisma equals good looks.
Unless you are a 10 out of 10, nobody will pay attention to you, and therefore you must be boring.
This is all caused because of media conditioning.
We praise our favorite actors and influencers, getting captivated by their talk show talks that we forget are preplanned, or influencers’ new videos that are no more than script readings.
Think of your great-grandpa or grandma working a hard laboring job in the field, wearing dirty clothes, and having a red face from the sun. Do you think they would be boring and uncharismatic like your local nerdy friend, or would their confidence in who they are combined with unmatched presence give any Hollywood actor a run for their money?
I won’t fool you; looks do play a role in how people perceive you and hence your charisma, but that is just a small piece of the puzzle, and in the rest of the article, I will not only try to change your views on charisma but more importantly on yourself.
What is charisma?
When you think of charisma, who comes to mind?
Get a vivid picture in your mind.
How does this person talk, how do they hold themselves?
The first thing that comes to my mind is confidence.
They are unapologetically themselves.
How do you become more confident?
You need to get rid of bad social conditioning.
Let me give you a short story to illustrate a point.
Little Johnny is at a restaurant with his parents.
He hears his favorite song play in the background, and he starts singing; he is having the time of his life, and all of a sudden, STOP that.
Little Johnny gets scared; what happened? “Don’t do that,” the father yells; you are embarrassing us.
And just like that, a part of Little Johnny’s personality, his charisma, died. Fast forward 20 years, Johnny is hanging out with his friends and they start singing.
Johnny would like to do the same, but somewhere in his subconsciousness is that little voice saying if you sing, something bad is going to happen, and so Johnny doesn’t sing.
He does not know why he can’t sing in front of other people; consciously he knows nothing bad will happen, but something is preventing him, and that is social conditioning.
How to eliminate social conditioning?
Start going down the rabbit hole.
If you are like little Johnny, you can start asking why.
Why am I so afraid of singing?
The answer will try to hide from you and try to deceive you. “Well, I can’t sing that well.” If the answer seems too simple and easy, it is probably not the correct one.
Then you might start asking yourself when was the last time you sang in front of people.
Then maybe Johnny will remember that time in the restaurant when he got yelled at. Once you have your answer, you need to reflect on it.
Write down your memory and all the reasons you still believe you are not worthy/capable of doing that thing.
Then slowly start eliminating all your false beliefs.
It might be hard at first, but as you do it more and more, it will get easier.
If you are struggling with this, you should go and talk to a professional.
Be present
How often do you talk to your friends, and it’s like they don’t even listen to you?
Now think of that time you spoke to someone, and you got so immersed in the conversation you lost track of time.
You were not thinking about what to say or what the other person thinks of you; you were just fully present in the moment.
That is the key.
The key to becoming more charismatic, and a better communicator is presence.
If your favorite movie actor spoke with charisma for 5 minutes and then got lost in his thoughts for the same amount of time, you would think he is on some drugs.
And yet all of us are. Attention is the new currency, and you are giving yours up for free. TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, TV, advertisements, your attention is all over the place to the point where I see a lot of people on their phones in a group setting.
One great practice you can incorporate is meditation. I won’t go into how to meditate; you have a lot of great resources online, and if you are getting started, I recommend downloading Medito; it’s free and beginner-friendly.
How to become a better listener
Sounds boring, right?
All you want to do is for other people to listen to you and tell you how great you are.
If you need other people’s approval to tell you you are good enough, you should probably try and fix that, but if you want to receive attention you need to give attention.
Now that you can stay present for more than 30 seconds, you need to learn to listen to the other person, and for this, I have a mental exercise to help you out.
Next time you are speaking to someone, remember that everyone has a unique look at life; everyone has a special story that they want to share.
It’s like every person has a small hidden universe inside them ready for you to explore.
So explore it, and learn about their passions, their fears, what they love, and what they hate.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions
No one cares about the weather, but no one is brave enough to ask “the real questions”; interesting things are not found on the surface, so you have to do some digging.
Look for patterns in the way a person speaks. If the person you are speaking to is mentioning one specific person a lot during your conversation, you might be able to ask, “So what is the thing with you and Marcus? You seem to mention him a lot.”
And if the person is comfortable with you, they might share something more; if not, they will get a sense that this person not only listens to me but is also genuinely interested in me.
I hope you found some value in this article. Keep learning, keep improving and I hope our paths cross again in the future. — John
