How to be Authentic (Even if you struggle with Shyness)
Authenticity is a quality of being genuine or real. Shyness can inhibit authenticity and prevent you from being truly you.
I remember being in 6th grade and knowing the answer to a history question but afraid to raise my hand. Too shy to open my mouth when everyone was looking at me.
I’m a funny mix of being loud and outrageous one minute and quiet and shy the next.
As I matured, I sought psychological ways to overcome shyness and assert myself in groups.
I explored two areas related to shyness: 1. Its connection with introversion [a personality trait] and 2. Its connection with shame [a more pathological issue].
Introversion and Shyness
A social science study conducted in 2011 found introversion can be divided into 4 different types: social introverts, thinking introverts, anxious introverts, and restrained introverts.
If you Google shyness, you’ll find 4 types of shyness too.
They are shy-secure, shy-withdrawn, shy-dependent, and shy-conflicted.
On examination, I discovered an overlap between these two psychological types — introversion and shyness.
For example, shy-secure people are like social introverts. Both feel more comfortable in small gatherings and one-to-one coffee talks. Anxious introverts are like shy-withdrawn people. They often feel awkward in social gatherings and are likely to avoid people and settings — at all costs — that exacerbate their anxiety.
Shame and Shyness
Shame can be at the base of shyness. Shame, however, leads to a strong need for social approval and a tendency to be overly responsible in situations. It underlies addiction problems, infidelity, and perfectionism. It’s more serious than introversion. And it’s more serious than shyness.
I know when I’m having fun, I’m loud — maybe too loud. If someone calls me out on it, my shame kicks in and I act shy. This form of shyness is closer to feeling not good enough and self-hate.
Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation and a sense you are bad or wrong for acting the way you are.
As a kid, I was told I had a cheerleader voice, loud and not cool. But now I see this comment as shaming and prompting a reactive shy response.
Shame for me came from numerous difficult childhood disconnects and broken down relationships.
Toggling between shyness and bodaciousness was my way of finding my authentic self.
When I speak of shyness, I’m pointing to its healthy aspects too. It is healthy to retreat from fights and situations that you can’t control.
As I’ve grown, my awareness of the damaging aspects of shaming have become more evident. And, I’m aware modifying certain social behaviors — such as shyness — lets my authentic self shine.
Remember: shyness can be healthy in certain settings and in measured degrees.
At the same time, growing into our authentic selves requires managing behaviors such as shyness.
These 4 ways may help you with your shyness:
1. Speak up — and if you get excited like I do, dial it down when you notice. Nothing wrong with it. The important thing is noticing.
2. Use positive self-talk and nurture yourself in the presence of unfamiliar situations.
3. Set small goals and celebrate them.
4. Pay attention to feedback. Don’t dismiss it as a fluke.
Conclusion:
Authenticity means being true to yourself, your values, and your personality — no matter what! In essence, too much shyness can block you from expressing your authentic self.
As you become more secure and confident, you will become less shy and more authentically bold.
Welcome it and embrace it.
In closing, I suggest 3 ways you can enhance your real self — and diminish shyness:
1. Recognize and embrace feelings of vulnerability [e.g., feeling like you’re standing naked in front of someone you don’t know]
2. Take the stance that you are unstoppable. This requires being persistent and determined.
3. Celebrate every success — no matter how small.
I wonder if you can identify with me.
How many times have you kept silent when you had a strong opinion about something that was contrary to what the group was expressing?