How To Be An Alpha Male

Summary

The article "How To Be An Alpha Male" satirically presents a guide to masculinity, challenging contemporary notions of manhood while humorously outlining ten rules for becoming an "alpha male."

Abstract

The piece, found on an undefined website, critiques the current state of masculinity, labeling it as weak and in need of redefinition. It proposes a return to traditional alpha male characteristics through a list of ten rules, each humorously illustrated and explained. The article is framed as a debate between conservative commentator Nick Adams and the author, with contributions from a Twitter user named Edward Nygma. It concludes with a disclaimer that the content is intended as a joke, cautioning readers against taking the advice too seriously, and invites further discussion in the comments.

Opinions

The author suggests that modern men have become soft and that there is a need to reclaim traditional alpha male traits.
Masculinity is presented as something that can be actively developed and improved upon, with alpha males being those who continuously strive for self-betterment.
The article pokes fun at the idea of alpha maleness by including absurd and humorous examples, such as the claim that Tom Brady became a beta male after his divorce.
It criticizes the distraction-prone nature of modern society and emphasizes the importance of focus and dedication to one's goals.
The piece takes a jab at the concept of blindly following societal or religious norms, suggesting that alpha males create and control their own reality.
The author mockingly suggests that starting a cult or religion is a viable way to gain wealth and influence, drawing a parallel to the widespread belief in conspiracy theories like QAnon.
By using satire, the author encourages readers to reflect on their understanding of masculinity and the societal pressures that shape it.
The article concludes with a tongue-in-cheek call to action, inviting readers to engage with the content and contribute to the ongoing debate about what it means to be an alpha male.

Become the man you were always meant to be

Masculinity is ruined.

We are a nation of soft, weak pussies. What happened to the strong, alpha males that dominated in every aspect of life?

Fortunately, you’re in luck. We have the following experts debate each other. Their commentary will help you become the best version of yourself.

Nick Adams (Alpha Male). Conservative political commentator. We’re still unsure if he’s either a brilliant marketer/troll or a retard. Please follow him on Twitter for your daily laughs.

Your’s truly. We understand how men become alphas through our 2 years of writing humorous pieces, choosing our gender pronouns, and paying our debts to the Yakuza.

We have compiled these experts’ tweets to create 10 Laws Of The Alpha Male. These guidelines are bound to put Barney Stintson to shame.

Update: Turns out Edward Nygma was suspended from Twitter. Even petty billionaire Elon Musk was offended by Nygma’s lack of common sense.

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Thanks for reading!

If you want to read and laugh more, visit The Haven’s homepage.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, you’ll need a membership fee to get unlimited access. If you want to subscribe for a membership, then please use this link. If you use this link instead of signing up like normal people, then I get paid.

Seriously. Please sign up through my link. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.

If I’m still poor after this, then I’ll start a cult that obeys these commandments. Starting a religion is the easiest way to become rich. Some of you will scoff at the idea of people believing this rubbish. We also live in a nation where half its citizens believe in a made up conspiracy theory called QAnon.

Anything is possible. Just ask Kevin Garnett.

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT, SELF IMPROVEMENT

How To Be An Alpha Male

Become the man you were always meant to be

Rule #1: Alpha Males Are Always Doing Something

Rule #2: Alpha Males Push Beyond Their Limitations To Get Better

Rule #3: Alpha Males Don’t Apologize For Who They Are And What They Want

Rule #4: Alpha Males Don’t Let Distractions Leer Them Away From Their Goals

Rule #5: Alpha Males Are Fully Immersed In Their Masculinity

Rule #6: Alpha Males Care About What They Do, Not What Others Do

Rule #7: Alpha Males Excel In All Endeavors

Rule #8: Alpha Males Know They Can Control Their Own Reality

Rule #9: Alpha Males Work Smart, Not Hard

Rule #10: Alpha Males Do Not Act Like Beta Males

Disclaimer: This was written as a joke.

Please don’t take this to heart and go full Andrew Tate. A user on Twitter by the name of Edward Nygma (also the name of a Batman villain called The Riddler) chose to do so, and embarrassed himself. Don’t be like Edward.

Update: Turns out Edward Nygma was suspended from Twitter. Even petty billionaire Elon Musk was offended by Nygma’s lack of common sense.

Epilogue