How to be a Top Writer in Uniporn

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this?

What is uniporn, you ask? Don’t you worry about that. You’re here because you want to crack the code and go viral. You want that email that says, “Congrats, you’re a top writer in the topic of Uniporn. Your writing is popular with readers…”

It is truly strange how things happen. Last weekend was my birthday. Not a benchmark birthday, just the regular kind. We had a few friends over to swim and have drinks by the pool.

The day after the party, friends asked me what I had done for my birthday. I told them we had some people over and I had relations with a unicorn. Nothing major.

But they were intrigued by my curious admission and began asking questions. As I told them the full story, it took on a life of its own, and they dared me to write a story about it. So I did, and the story took off like a California wildfire.

By that I mean like a new venereal disease people really want to avoid.

But sometimes in life you have to make your own way. Break some eggs. Be different. Be weird. As it turns out, you must start by inventing something that only someone truly disturbed could think up and wouldn’t ever think of making public knowledge. Then you invent a new category of writing/pornography for it, create yourself a new tag, and, Voila! You’re a top writer.

Here’s an example.

As I said, this past weekend was my birthday. It was a nice Sunny day by the pool with a few friends and family. A time would be had.

The kids had stayed over at Grandma’s and were tired. Boring old swimming wouldn’t be enough to peel them from their screens, so my wife suggested I get the sprinkler out since the pool and the plants needed water, anyway.

So I did. Except, Prism Treasurefinish is no ordinary sprinkler. She’s a unicorn, and we’re in love.

Don’t judge me. We all have our weird little fetishes. It’s being real and openly writing about them in an open way that people seem to flock to. The vulnerability involved in writing about something so personal as love with an inflatable unicorn is what readers want.

They want to feel your passion for mythical polyvinyl chloride creature. You must describe your escapades in detail. Don’t be afraid to write about how you put your mouth on Prism Treasurefinish’s willing orifice to fill her with the love of your hot breath. You need to describe the way she feels writhing around in your arms as your sweat from effort makes you both slippery. Write about how she lets you tie her up in anticipation of glorious release, and closes her eyes when you fill her with affection.

Give your readers details of the steamy public performance in full view of your wife, and how she can’t look away because she is horrified and turned on by the scene unfolding before her. Make them feel the intoxication of afterglow as you pet her mane after releasing the tension.

Pay no attention to negative comments about how you mount her from behind and made her squirt with ecstasy. These are just from the haters who are too afraid to express their true selves and their love for inanimate objects.

When you get that email from Al Gorithm saying that you’re a Top Writer, and have made $.06 from your masterpiece, you have officially made it, my friend.

Afterward your initial wave of virality slows down, you can capitalize on your new brand by expanding on your new topic, like adding future serial episodes of Uniporn, or perhaps branching into creating your own Uniporn fetish publication.

The sky’s the limit!