How To Be A Gentleman

A timely guide to timeless manners

I read about the gentlemanly code in a book by John Bridges titled How To Be a Gentleman: A timely guide to timeless manners. I found it quite interesting as it reminded me of a handful of gentle manners which I had forgotten in a hurry.

The author suggests that the book is really not about complicated rules and convoluted instructions, but a simple guide on how to behave from day to day and occasion to occasion, with the aim of making life easier for other people.

But brace yourself..

In the book and definitely on this article, you’re going to come across a particularly recurring phrase — “A gentleman”

I think this is probably what makes the book so powerful. When you keep reading out this phrase, it gets to a point where it becomes a personalised subconscious affirmation.

As you read along, you indeed, start to envision yourself as a true gentleman, and of course, will begin to mentally adjust your actions to fit those of an ideal gentleman, in response to the different circumstances and scenarios as described by the author in the book.

The book is also pretty short (can be read in one sitting) and is divided into 10 chapters, each addressing how to put up your best behaviour in different types of real-life experiences.

Although the book was arranged in an orderly manner for easy understanding, my attention was drawn to the quick nuggets of information that were scattered around the chapters of the book.

A gentleman acts in a way that makes others feel very comfortable.

I used to take pride in myself as a complete gentleman, but after reading this one, I realised that I had been doing a lot of things the wrong way. And this is why I felt the need to share this with interested minds.

It was almost impossible to succinctly summarize the whole book without missing all the important lessons, so I extracted a handful and chunked them into sub-headings.

Here’s a few of them that struck the most.

Doing The Right Thing

1. A gentleman does not correct his friends in public. Instead, he waits until two of them are alone.
2. A gentleman admits when he is wrong.
3. He knows how to stand in line and how to wait his turn.
4. A gentleman knows that hurtful words are never helpful to anybody.
5. A gentleman never allows a door to slam in the face of another person — male or female, young or old, absolute stranger or best friend.
6. Whenever possible, a gentleman stays away from sore subjects.
7. If a gentleman drinks the last cup of coffee, he makes a new pot.
8. A gentleman does his best to be there when he is needed and to stay out of the way the rest of the time.
9. A gentleman does not pick a fight.
10. A gentleman never writes personal letters on his business stationery.

Saying The Right Thing

1. A gentleman knows that “please” and “thank you” are still the magic words.
2. He also recognizes that other people’s beliefs are valid. He argues only over an issue that could save a life.
3. When a gentleman has been insulted, either in public or in private, his response to insult is simple: he says nothing at all.
4. A gentleman does not say “I’m sorry” if there is no reason for him to apologize. In fact, he never says “I’m sorry” unless he has given offense.
5. A gentleman never disparages the beliefs of others — whether they relate to matters of faith, politics or sports teams.
6. A gentleman thinks before he speaks.
7. A gentleman never makes a joke out of a person’s race, religion or beliefs.

Real Life Experiences

1. If a gentleman has divorced friends, he regrets seeing their beautiful relationship breakup. However, his regret is for their pain, not for his own. He does not take sides in their marital strife.
2. A gentleman holds his temper when dealing with service representatives, no matter what language they speak.
3. A gentleman knows that arguing with an anonymous person on the other end of a telephone will get him nowhere. He rather expresses his concern to the manager or owner of the establishment.
4. A gentleman makes it a rule never to send an e-mail in a fit of anger. Angry e-mails are all too often shared and forwarded. Apologetic e-mails seldom are.
5. After he has sent an e-mail message to a personal friend, a gentleman does not assume that his friend will respond to him within 24 hours.
6. A gentleman never feels that he must say pleasant things about unpleasant people. Even when describing pleasant people, he does not stretch the truth.
7. If a gentleman must leave the dinner table for the bathroom or elsewhere, he simply says “Excuse me.” No further explanation is is necessary.
8. A gentleman never claims to have seen a movie he has not seen or to have read a book about which he has only read reviews.

Charisma

1. In the morning, a gentleman always offers to get up and make the coffee.
2. A gentleman always carries a handkerchief, and is ready to lend it, especially to a weeping lady, should the need arise.
3. When there is a woman on the premises — or there is any likelihood a woman will arrive soon — a gentleman always puts the toilet seat down.
4. A gentleman never asks a woman if she is pregnant. He never asks, “haven’t you had that baby yet”
5. A gentleman is never the first to extend his hands when he is introduced to a woman.
6. If a gentleman and his fellow diners are all served at the same time, and if there is a lady at the table, he waits until she lifts her fork before he takes his first bite.
7. A gentleman would remove this hat if he were greeting a woman or being introduced to a new acquaintance of either sex.
8. When a gentleman is offered a name tag, he puts it on.

Unseemly Habits

1. A gentleman knows that unseemly habits, although they may seem innocuous, can easily become hard, or even impossible to break.
2. Even if a gentleman lives alone, he never drinks milk directly from the container.
3. A gentleman never eats lunch while he is behind the wheel of any vehicle
4. If a gentleman eats in bed, he always changes the sheets. Even if a gentleman does not eat in bed, he changes his bedsheets at least every two weeks.
5. A gentleman does not pick his nose in public. Knowing that bad habits are far too easily formed, he is wise if he does not pick his nose in private, either.
6. A gentleman does not use his car horn indiscriminately, he does not run yellow lights, much less red ones.
7. If a gentleman is around another person’s dog, he does not tease that dog or encourage it to bark.
8. A gentleman does not walk with his mouth full.
9. A gentleman never smokes while he is eating. Ever

Use of Cellphones

1. A gentleman does his best to to use his cell phone in the most unobtrusive manner possible.
2. He need not flaunt his newest gadgets, no matter how expensive or cutting-edge they may be.
3. A gentleman who seeks to shore up his self-image by the use of gadgetry, especially among strangers, is a very needy gentleman indeed.
4. A gentleman’s telephone calls — whether they concern business or private matters, are still his personal affair. He does not force others to listen.
5. He does not assume that, because his wireless headset is inconspicuous, his conversations are inconspicuous as well.
6. A gentleman does not use his cell phone…

• when he is behind the wheel of a vehicle of any type,
• in an elevator, unless he is alone, or in the company of only friends or co-workers,
• when standing in line at the grocery store, the post-office, a deli, or any other place where customers may find themselves trapped as unwilling witnesses to his conversation,
• at a table in a restaurant of any type — be it fast-food or first-class.

Dressing and Hygiene

1. A gentleman never wears a Tuxedo before 5 pm.
2. He keeps his leather shoes polished and his fingernails clean.
3. A gentleman never wears a belt when he is wearing suspenders.
4. A gentleman does not wear excess cologne. Anytime a person can identify the brand of scent that a man is wearing, he is wearing too much.
5. He washes his hair regularly and makes an effort to prevent dandruff.
6. A gentleman never wears the same pair of blue jeans two days in a row. He knows that common hygiene and common courtesy demand that they rest for a good 24 hours before wearing.
7. A gentleman knows that a pierced nose or ear can heal with the passing of the years, while a tattoo will be with him for life.
8. When a gentleman outgrows his clothes, he gives them away to charity.
9. A gentleman never runs out of toilet paper

Social Events

1. If a gentleman is asked to make a toast, he never refuses.
2. A gentleman never leaves his own party, except in a dire emergency.
3. If he wants the guests to go away, he puts away the liquor.
4. A gentleman does not crash parties.
5. He is never the last to leave a party. Neither if he can possibly help it, is he the first to arrive.
6. A gentleman has never been seated beside a boring person at dinner, neither has he ever been seated beside a person who has been bored.
7. Instead of offering to pay for the replacement of glassware broken by accident, a gentleman does his best to replace the broken item himself.
8. A gentleman does not attempt to change the opinions of his dinner companions. A seated dinner is not a debate tournament.
9. A gentleman does not extend his hand when he is introduced to an older person or to a dignitary.
10. He never refuses to shake a hand that is extended to him.

Lifestyle

1. A gentleman never gets so big that he can feel free to say or do things to make other people feel small.
2. A gentleman does not lend more money than he can afford to spare, neither does he borrow more money than he can afford to pay back.
3. A gentleman has a rudimentary knowledge of at least one foreign language.
4. Tipping is a delicate matter that concerns only the gentleman and the server. He never brags about leaving a generous gratuity.
5. A gentleman respects that he may have friends who do not drink alcohol. He does not pressure anyone to drink, neither does he ask probing questions.
6. A gentleman is never afraid to carry breath mints. Neither is he reluctant to offer them to other people.
7. A gentleman does not brag. A gentleman does not whine.
8. When a gentleman quotes Shakespeare or any major author, he does his best to get the quotation right. Otherwise, he leaves Shakespeare out of his conversation.
9. As a houseguest, a gentleman treats his host’s furniture even more carefully than if they were his own. Most importantly, he sticks to his arrival and departure plans.

Concluding

As John Bridges concludes his book, he places familiar emphasis on the ultimate goal of a gentleman;

A gentleman’s ultimate goal is to make life easier not just for himself, but for his friends, acquaintances, and the world at large. Because he is a gentleman, he does not see this as a burden. Instead, it is a challenge that he faces eagerly everyday.

Bearing in mind that the list in this article is not exhaustive, it is safe to say that being a gentleman is not a day’s job.

It takes a consistent amount of intentional effort to perfect the art of becoming one. However, having this book handy and revisiting it from time to time could speed up the process.