How to Be A Better Conversationalist

Ask yourself these 5 questions

There are certain conversations that go so fast you lose track of time.

Why?

The other person was easy to talk to, a superb listener, they asked a lot of questions, and they were interested in the answers. They don’t “compete” for time, i.e. they want to know about the other person’s situation, and they talk more about ideas than everyday things.

What makes one conversation go better than another? What can you do to become a better conversationalist? How can you enhance your conversation skills?

There are five important questions you should ask yourself to assess how well you do with conversations.

1. What Type of Conversation Am I Having?

Some conversations are shallow, and some conversations have a lot of substance. It’s always a good practice to start with pleasantries and superficial things to get the conversation started. The best conversations go deeper and there’s a good dialogue back and forth.

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” — Eleanor Roosevelt, first lady of the United States

This is a great quote because it shows how you think about your conversations. Are you speaking about ideas? Do you speak about events? Are you speaking about other people?

If you are having a conversation where you share each other recent challenges and successes, concerns and dreams, and tips and tricks, you know you are having a great conversation. You are exchanging ideas and not gossiping about other people. You discuss what you may have read in a book or life lessons you learned along the way. These types of conversations are the ones you should have with others.

2. How Respectful Am I?

Do you steamroll conversations? Do you make inappropriate comments? Do you interrupt others? These are awful habits.

“There can’t be greater rudeness than to interrupt another in the current of his discourse.” — John Locke, an English philosopher

I get it. Everyone wants to talk. No one wants to listen. It’s important to be respectful of people’s boundaries, sensitivities, and cultural background. Interrupting people and making rude comments is not a good look. Also, you don’t always have to be right in conversations.

Don’t be that person who is waiting for other people to stop talking, and if you can’t wait, you interrupt. When you respect other people, they will respect you back. They will tell you things they haven’t told you before.

3. Is the Conversation Focused on Me?

We all get caught up in ourselves. Our egos sometimes get the best of us. We have times in our lives when we have to tell our story to others. The problem is that it doesn’t help you in conversations. Don’t be the conversation “hog” where you hold the other person hostage with your long-winded stories with every detail.

“Don’t talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.” — Wilson Mizner, an American writer and actor

When you monopolize a conversation, it’s irritating, boring, and inconsiderate of the other person. When you talk about yourself, you seem to be narcissistic and don’t care about their feelings.

You may be a person who has a lot of great personal stories, some important wisdom to share, and brilliant ideas. Not everyone is interested in talking to someone who only talks about themselves.

A great conversation is about give and take. It’s not all about you. Don’t go into a long rant about something that happened to you. Don’t make it all about you. Don’t be a conversational narcissist. Great conversations strike a balance in who talks.

4. Am I Listening During the Conversation?

The importance of listening is best summed with the phrase: God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. Listen twice as much as you talk. To have a great conversation, it’s critical to listen more than you talk.

“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” — Bernard Baruch, an American financier, stock investor, philanthropist

People love to talk to a great listener. When someone listens closely to what you have said, nods their head “yes” and then paraphrases what you said, it grows the connection. When you stop steering the conversation back to yourself, you have great conversations. People will open up to you. They will trust you more. They will want to talk to you again because they know you are great conversationalist.

If you want to become an exceptional conversationalist, paraphrase what they say and don’t come across as someone who wants to talk.

“There’s a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak.” — Simon Sinek, an author and motivational speaker

Don’t make your conversations a competition where both people are not really listening. Don’t start preparing your next thoughts and response before the end of a person’s story. You miss out on what they are saying. Don’t be that person who waits for their turn to speak. Conversations are as simple as waiting for your turn to talk. Be self-aware of the habits.

5. How Many Great Questions Am I Asking?

You should look at each conversation as an interview opportunity. Why talk about yourself when you can learn from others? It’s important to ask more questions, but not just for the sake of asking questions. You should ask better and smarter questions.

To learn and improve yourself is to ask great questions. Take some pointers from lawyers, journalists, and doctors. They are trained to ask superb questions because it’s a key part of their job. You should seek the knowledge in others. They have experiences and stories to tell that you may not know about.

“The wise man doesn’t give the right answers, he poses the right questions.” — Claude Levi-Strauss, a French anthropologist and ethnologist

The art and science of asking questions, is a skill that you should hone and practice. Think about how you structure your questions. The words you use. Pay attention to your tone and body language.

These variables help you get better information from others. And remember that one great question will lead to another one. Questions are more powerful than you realize. When you challenge your assumptions going into a conversation, you’ll have a better conversation.

Bringing It All Together

Conversations are a great way to connect, exchange ideas, and learn from each other. Don’t make the conversation all about you. Connect with the other person on a deeper level. Learn new things about them. Ask great and smart questions. Find joy in every conversation.

Don’t assume you are a good conversationalist. There’s always room for improvement. Conversation etiquette is about having respect and consideration for others. Great conversations are about how you can help others and not serve yourself. When you answer the questions above, you’ll start getting comments about what great conversationalist you are.

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