How to Bathe a Dog and Survive

Summary

The article provides humorous, step-by-step instructions on how to bathe a dog, emphasizing the challenges and messiness of the process, and suggests considering professional grooming for future baths.

Abstract

Bathing a dog can be a daunting task, often resulting in the owner getting as wet as the pet. The article advises on preparing for the bath by gathering necessary items such as a scuba suit for the owner, dish soap for the dog, and a towel. It highlights the importance of having an assistant to manage the dog while adjusting water temperature. The process involves wetting the dog, applying soap, and rinsing thoroughly, all while trying to keep the dog in the tub. The article humorously notes the dog's resistance to bathing and the struggle of rinsing without assistance. After the bath, the dog is quickly towel-wrapped and released outside to dry, often undoing much of the cleaning effort. The author concludes by suggesting that, for a hassle-free experience, it might be worth paying for a professional groomer, despite the cost. The article also briefly touches on the topic of bathing cats, with a simple, emphatic "Don't."

Opinions

The author finds bathing a dog to be a messy and challenging experience, expecting to get wetter than the dog.
Dish soap, like Dawn, is recommended for its effectiveness and safety, as seen in its use for cleaning ducks.
An assistant is deemed helpful but may be unreliable when the situation becomes chaotic.
The dog's behavior during the bath is characterized by initial resistance, eventual surrender during the soapy massage, and a frantic attempt to escape during the rinse.
The author implies that despite the effort, the dog will likely roll in dirt after the bath, partly negating the cleaning process.
The article humorously suggests that the best course of action might be to avoid the ordeal altogether by hiring a professional groomer.
Regarding cats, the author's opinion is clear: do not attempt to bathe them.

So both you and the dog live

If you have a dog who loves baths, this is not the article for you. I suppose there are dogs like that out there; I have never been blessed with one. Mine hear water running and run. One hides. It helps that she always hides in the same place. She hasn’t figured out yet that we find her every time.

First, you need to assemble your equipment. I suggest a scuba suit, because you are going to be wet from head to toe. You will be wetter than the dog will be.

Next, I recommend dish soap, unless you have a dog with some kind of condition that requires special shampoo. Otherwise, Dawn works fine, and the dog smells less like wet dog after — not a lot less, because he is a wet dog — but Dawn smells good. And they use it on ducks, so it must be safe.

Get a towel. You may be able to use it before the dog gets out of the tub and runs through the house. You may not, but it’s always good to be prepared for any eventuality.

This is where it’s good to have an assistant. While you are adjusting the water temperature, the dog is running away. You can leave the water running while you go find the dog, but sometimes that wastes a lot of water, because the dog is unwilling to let go of the chair. It’s the only time I’ve seen dogs actually clutch with their toes.

Once the dog is in the tub, wet him down completely. He will usually surrender at that point. He’s wet, he knows he’s wet, so struggle is hopeless (for now.)

Pour the dish soap all over his back and start scratching. He is now in love. He wonders why he fought this. This is the best scratching ever, and he’ll move all over the tub, trying to get you to the really good parts. There will be parts he does not like touched. Do not touch them. The soapy water will get there and sort of clean them.

Now begin the rinse. Instinctively, dogs know this is the last step, and they want out. NOW. They don’t know and don’t care that if you don’t get all the soap out, they will be itchy until the next bath, which, after you finish this one, may be months from now.

Rinse, rinse, rinse. You will need all the strength available to you to rinse while trying to keep the dog in the tub. Don’t give in. Don’t leave the dog itchy. Be cruel to be kind. Keep pushing him back in the tub until he is thoroughly soaked. You will be, too, so you can skip your shower that day.

Quickly turn off the water while keeping the dog in the tub. Again, this is not easy, because you need two hands to hold the dog and one to turn off the water. This makes three hands, and unless you’re built differently than I am, that is one hand too many. Don’t ask for help. Your partner will take one look at the shape you’re in and leave the room. Possibly the house.

Attempt to wrap the towel around the dog. Forget about the feet. You’ll never reach them. Just loosely wrap the towel around whatever parts of the dog you can reach, and run for the closest outside door. Throw the dog out. I prefer to do this on a fairly warm day, but I have been known to throw a wet dog into a snow bank when the dog was so filthy I couldn’t take it anymore.

The dog will shake and rub, usually in the smelliest part of the lawn he can find. His wet fur will mix with any dirt available, and the dog will look just as dirty as he did before the bath and possibly smell worse, but you’ve done your best. He will then come back in and roll on the carpet, furniture, and you, so now the whole house will smell like wet, dirty dog.

You’ve done your best. Next time, save up some money and take him to a professional groomer. He’ll look and smell great for 10 minutes. It’s almost worth the $100 it will cost you.

How to give a cat a bath

Don’t.

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