How to Avoid Being an Ass, When You Want to be an Ally
or 7 things you should never say to a transgender person
The world is starting to get vocal about different genders and sexualities. That’s good news. The not so great news is that most cisgender people are entirely in the dark when it comes to transgender people. Right? You want to try- this is your person, your brother, your daughter. You want to be supportive, but you don’t know what to do. (cisgender means your insides and your outside are in harmony. And no one has EVER questioned you about it.)
I was just like you, only a few years ago. I went to church and read my Bible. A lot. I raised both of my children to adulthood, and none of us died. I’ve humbly shared the stories of all my ugly stuff through testimonials and gave all the glory to God. I married a wonderful, kind Christian man that everyone loved. My belief system meant everything to me.
Then, my firstborn grandchild came out as transgender.
I had (and have) so much to learn. And I promised my heart I would do it with love. In that same love, I share this ‘don’t do’ list with you.
- For the love of ice cream, DON’T asks about their sex life. Like the actual sex part of their sex life. It’s none of your business. With love. Unless and until you are asking EVERYONE about their sex life, in which case you probably belong in therapy. Or jail.
- Pronouns are important. Really, important. It can feel like an impossible challenge — an enormous ask. After all, you’ve always used the pronouns that matched their assigned sex before. If you are truly ready to use their heart and soul pronouns, it’s time to make an effort.
- Think about a time when you didn’t feel seen when no one seemed to care or even listen. You quite possibly wee a teenager, a widow, a single mom, or someone who has been divorced three times. The point is, you felt like you just weren’t significant enough to live.
Remember that feeling?
Try always to remember that you have given enormous trust from this loved one. They chose you because they believe in your love. This pure trusting love is a precious gift that can never ever be repaired if it is shattered at this moment when you are so desperately needed. Lead with love. Lead with love. Lead with love. Don’t abuse the enormous trust your loved had has placed in you. Please.
4. Don’t jump to conclusions, especially if your truth is that you’ve never understood or tried to understand the reality of LGBTIQ genders. When you are told about someone’s secrets, please do not respond with the need to tell them everything you think you know. Instead, sit back and truly listen. Let them tell you. Respond with respect.
5. Never ask a transgender person, “So, what’s your real name?” Names are a big deal in this world, and for a trans person, the name they have chosen for their authentic self is the only name you should EVER use. It’s challenging to make the change, but it is so necessary for true acceptance and allyship. A transgender person’s birth name is considered their “dead name” once they change it. That is how big a deal this is. Make an effort. Their real name is the name they told you.
6. Here’s another “do not ask” question, “When did you decide to become trans?” I hate that we even have to talk about this, but unfortunately, we do. No one DECIDES to become a transgender person. No one in their right mind would ever choose such a complicated, misunderstood, painful life. No one. In this same vein, please keep in mind who has and hasn’t had any surgery that corresponds with their gender identity is none of your business. Period.
7. Have you ever said this, “Oh, wow, your poor family must have had a tough time?” Umm. Don’t ask that question. I can almost guarantee you that the transgender person you’re talking to has spent so much time feeling guilty for existing and causing problems for their family. They don’t need anyone to check in on that.
Here’s your big takeaway- There is nothing about your loved one’s sexual identity or gender concerned with YOUR beliefs. I think this is the hardest part for us to understand. No one is violating your beliefs. They are merely true to their own.
You can do this, AND you can have a deep and profound spiritual belief on a different track than someone else’s ideas, even when it is different. Especially when it is different, start from love. That’s it. Just love.
Thanks for being here!
If you want some tips for moving forward as an ally, try this
And here is a peek at why I became an ally and advocate for the LGBTQ community:
I do have several things that are not LGBTQ related and you can find them over here: