How To Argue With An Idiot

How to maintain your patience (and your friendships) when you disagree.

One of my dearest friends in the world is an idiot. She’s kind and loyal and sincere and patient, but she also has one of those minds that forms opinions based on which way the wind is blowing that day.

A vague intuition will coalesce into a belief, that belief will harden into the truth, and the whole, unshakeable process happens in the blink of an eye. Her feelings are her only guide, requiring no assistance from logic or facts along the way.

Worse, her feelings invariably trend towards whatever is the exact opposite of the scientific consensus. If there’s a conspiracy theory, she’ll believe it, if she sees it on the news, she’ll ignore it, if it’s the opinion of experts, she’ll doubt it.

Take a wild guess on whether she thinks the coronavirus is a hoax, or whether vaccines are safe, or whether climate change is real. I’m honestly afraid to ask her whether she believes that the moon landings were faked; our friendship can only withstand so much.

Still, one of many positives that has come out of our friendship is my improved ability to calmly and patiently disagree with somebody. This had always been a particular weakness of mine and our debates have taught me to be a better listener, to construct my arguments more clearly, and even to change my mind now and again.

Here are the 6 most important things that I’ve learned:

1) Ask questions instead of scoring points

If you only take away one thing from reading this article, let it be this; let the person you’re talking to convince themselves. Or at least to reveal the flaws in their arguments.

One of the most important strategies for arguing with an idiot is to let them feel that they figured out the flaws in their argument all by themselves. If you go barrelling in there with your “facts” and “logic”, you’re likely to hit a brick wall very quickly.

Instead, ask them questions about their beliefs. For example, during a recent discussion about whether the coronavirus pandemic was, in fact, a conspiracy by the shadowy elite, I didn’t disagree, I simply asked why they would do such a thing.

I pointed out that unleashing a virus that has allowed most people to continue living relatively normal lives — with many countries getting the virus under control fairly quickly, and others supporting their citizens with payouts — didn’t seem to be a very effective strategy for…whatever it was she was imagining they were trying to do.

Of course, none of this changed her mind, but it gave us somewhere to build from. We’ll come back to that later.

2) Use verbal mirroring

Sometimes the person you’re talking to will say something so moronic that you won’t be able to accept that an adult human who is capable of tying their shoelaces has uttered the words. Don’t despair. Ok, despair. But don’t let them see you doing it.

People with dumb opinions are used to being dismissed. It helps them to continue believing what they believe because nobody bothers to engage with them.

So be the exception.

Repeating their words back to them (without lacing them with sarcasm or ironic emphasis) slows things down. It reduces the chances that the conversation will get heated. And more importantly, it shows that you’re listening.

If there’s any hesitation as the ludicrousness of their position dawns on them, let them sit with that for a moment. Then ask more questions.

3) Be willing to give ground

Just because the person you’re talking to is an idiot, doesn’t mean they’re wrong about everything. If you can’t find any common ground whatsoever, then chances are that you’re being at least as unreasonable as they are.

Try to find areas — or even minor points — where you agree. And when you do, pounce on them. Hold them up as glittering examples of common ground and strike outwards from these points in search of broader truths.

Even better, don’t be afraid to admit it if they make a good point. Conceding a point doesn’t mean you’ve lost the war or even the battle. It means that you’re arguing in good faith, and will make it easier for the person you’re disagreeing with to do the same.

4) Don’t interrupt

There are two reasons why you shouldn’t interrupt somebody when they’re busy making a fool of themselves.

Firstly, there’s the adage about giving somebody enough rope to hang themselves. A person of ordinary intelligence would never be able to hang themselves accidentally of course, but you wouldn’t be reading this if you were dealing with ordinary intelligence.

Secondly, interrupting allows whoever you’re speaking with to interpret you as aggressive rather than merely sane. It gives them an “out”, whereby they can claim that you’re closed-minded or biased, or worse, a secret government mole. We all want to be heard, even if what we’re saying is utter nonsense, Give them that, then try to course correct.

5) Make clear arguments

You know that expression, “if you can’t figure out who the idiot in the room is, it’s you”? Well, in this case, we already know who the idiot is. But you still have to demonstrate that. And that means being clear yourself.

If your argument boils down to any variant of “well it’s just obvious”, your argument might be truer than theirs, but it’s not any stronger than theirs, and that’s why you can’t make it stick.

Yes, that might mean you have to find some facts and figures to support your belief that the Earth isn’t flat or that dinosaurs were real or that it’s not safe to eat Tide Pods. But with great power comes great responsibility.

6) Don’t expect people to change their minds straight away.

This one is easier for my friend and I because I know that I don’t have to change her mind all in one go. We’ve been friends for years and likely will be for many more, so I have time to work on her critical thinking skills. It isn’t happening overnight, but it is happening.

For example, in response to my question about why the shadowy elite would unleash the pandemic on us, she went to the trouble of trying to find an answer, which she presented me with the next time we met.

Her answer was: “The banks are going down apparently so that’s probably part of it.” I swear, those were her exact words.

While I wasn’t impressed by her answer, the fact that she’d done any research at all, showed that she’s willing to think more deeply about the issue, which is all that any of us can ask of ourselves.

All of this assumes that you have the slightest interest in arguing with idiots, but I strongly encourage you to do so.

Not only do discussions like this force you to develop useful habits such as expressing yourself clearly, listening carefully, and biting the inside of your cheek hard enough to draw blood so that you don’t scream “HOW ARE YOU THIS STUPID?!!”, they also help to spread the gift of rational thought a little further throughout the world.

Now more than ever, we need to figure out how to have civil, productive conversations with people we disagree with. We need to be able to articulate our positions clearly, whilst also trying to understand those who see things differently.

So ask questions, check you’ve understood, don’t interrupt, be clear and be patient. And if none of that works, be prepared for the possibility that the idiot in the room is you.